.v.e.r.i.t.y. .o.f. .j.u.d.g.m.e.n.t.

It is..

2012-01-06T11:03:00.002+08:00

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful."

Andai aku di sisiMu

2010-05-10T20:03:00.007+08:00

Pada-Mu saja
Aku mengadu
Resah gelora
Yang menghempas kalbu
Terasa berat
Namun apa daya ku luahkan
Walau sarat terasa malu pada-Mu

Akulah insan
Yang berjuta dosa
Tiada mengenang
Erti kesalahan
Berkali-kali
Terus masih terulang segala kesilapan
Meski ku tahu pedihnya..

Masihku disini terantai nubari
Detik nadi bagaikan terhenti
Andai aku di sisi rahmat-Mu
Berhakkah ku ulang masa lalu

Andai aku di sisi Mu
(photo taken by Mahkota Alam)

"When you watch the sunset, let your worries and sadness go with it. See them burning up in the brilliant colors. Allow the beauty to remind you there is more to life than trouble! When you put your troubles away with the sunset, you make room for blessings to fill the next day."

Some things..

2009-08-14T23:57:00.003+08:00

"Your heart and your emotions are on the same page. But you may find that they are not on the page you want them to be. It could be that you are reminiscing about an event from the past. What was once a happy set of encounters is now leaving you feeling like there is a whole rosebush of thorns in your side. Focus on the present, and let the past become history."

I'm writing about diabetes for my dissertation and I found that 'sugar is not always sweet'. Some things are better not consumed. Like sugar. They can be sweet. But can also be a killer.

And..

Some things are better left behind.

It's time to move on..

'Laa hau laa walaa quwwata iLlaa biLlaahil 'aaliyyil 'adziim..'

MenujuMu Ya Rabb

2009-02-12T04:45:00.009+08:00

I'd just received one shocking news. After more than 6 months since I last updated this blog, the news somehow really get me moved so overwhelmingly such that I decided to post this entry up.

Allah.. Allah..

The news came about just unexpectedly and now I forget how to express myself.

Someone I hardly know has been diagnosed with cancer. The person is not related to me in any way, not even as a friend. But I don't know why I was so affected that I ended up weeping like he's a family member of mine. He reminded me of my arwah Mak Hamidah, probably that's why I got too emotional over this matter.

The most precious thing is, I came to realise something valuable. Something so wonderful that I can't even type it down. Indescriptive. I wonder how a person you don't even know is able to touch your heart so deeply. I guess that's the special gift that Allah rewards him with, that nobody could have.

I know he's the strongest person ever to be tested with such predicament and all I can do is pray for his best. He knows that Allah has the best plan for him waiting ahead. He knows that Allah won't burden him beyond his strength to bear. Everybody knows that he's the chosen loveable one of Allah's to get a place in Jannah. He truly is.

Ya Allah.. walau apa pun kesudahannya, kau tempatkanlah dia di dalam syurgaMu. Kerana itu adalah semulia-mulia tempat pengakhiran. Ameen.

Semoga kau terus kuat wahai sahabat.

Lots of love -- dina :)

2008-07-01T04:22:00.003+08:00

01-07-00
“We had just arrived in London yesterday. Al0ng im@ is packing her stuff. She’s moving to her new house in Southgate. So it’s going to be our second night at P0k Teh’s house!”

01-07-01
“”Kenapa dengan dina ni? Macam bad mood je?” ada ke patut dia tanya soalan tu??!! Mane aku tak bad mood?! Dia tipu aku!!! Aku benci F@khrul!!!”

01-07-02
“Pagi tadi ada program intim. Aku ingatkan tanak pergi tp pergi je la. Pastu kat sekolah aku pening kepala. Aku terus call dad suruh ambik aku. Sampai-sampai rumah je terus baring. Al0ng im@ check aku and bagi makan ubat. Now I’m feeling much better. Anyway, haritu ada spotcheck kat sekolah and guess what? Discman aku kena rampas!! Sedih gile! The next day aku pergi jumpa cikgu Zainab. Dia kata boleh ambik akhir tahun nanti. Sedih gile tau tak!! Tapi nak buat mcm mana. Lepastu, haritu jugak ustad z@in@phi panggil aku. Dia kata ustad Arm@n nak jumpa aku. Ingatkan apa la aku dah buat. Rupanya aku masuk pertandingan bercerita untuk ihtifal Bahasa Arab. Percaya tak? Tak pernah terlintas dalam kepala aku nak masuk pertandingan bercerita dalam bahasa arab. Ni mesti ada someone yang bagi nama aku. Siut gila. Tapi takpela, kesian tengok muka ustad macam mengharap je. Aku kata ok. So, we’ll wait and see. Anyway, abang din kata dia nak datang KL next week, ada gathering dengan budak-budak e-kuizians. Aku tak boleh datang, ada hal. Dia kata nanti dia paskan hadiah aku kat Emud. Dia kata dia nak pergi PD dengan member-member. Lepastu maybe balik Singapore terus. Sedihnya tak dapat jumpa dia.”

01-07-03
“actually sekarang ni tengah minggu aktiviti. Aku balik bilik pukul 1230 tadi. Kejap lagi pukul 2.30 nak keluar balik. Ada indoor games kot. Aku masuk game konda-kondi. Tak tahulah game tu macam mana. Main pun tak pernah. Haha.. bantai je la. Anyway, abang amir dah grad dah, Alhamdulillah. Dia ada kat Malaysia sekarang. Tengah tunggu reply from dia punya sponsor utk sambung masters pulak. Lupi pulak kat k0lej m@ra b@nting. Haritu aku pergi dengan abang amir ambik Pi balik. Agak terpencil la sekolah tu. Dalam ladang kelapa sawit pulak tu. Tapi sebab untuk masa depan, so takpelah. Anyway, one good news. Al0ng im@ pregnant! Dah 7 weeks kot! Ya Allah, aku happy sangat!! Tak sabar nak dapat anak sedara! Harap-harap al0ng im@ and Abang N0rman dapat anak yang baik dan sayang aku, insyaAllah. Hehe.. Anyway, lagi beberapa minggu birthday H@fiz. Lama dah tak dengar berita dia. Rindu rasanya. Aku harap dia ok je.”

01-07-04
“Sejak 2-3 hari ni aku rasa down gila. Rasa sedih sangat-sangat. Haritu anid call. Dia kata H@fiz ada call rumah nak cakap dengan dia. Lama jugak diorang borak, nak dekat sejam jugak. Aku agak terkejut jugak la H@fiz call. Aku tahu dia ada banyak cerita kat anid tp anid macam tanak cerita kat aku je. Aku tahu anid marah sebab dia malas nak get involved in this issue tapi benda dah nak berlaku, nak buat macam mana. Lepastu malam tadi H@fiz call aku. Aku takde mood nak layan dia. Aku cakap kat dia aku betul-betul distracted. Aku taknak dia kacau concentration aku for my trial. So dia kata lepas aku habis trial nanti dia call balik and he wants to have a slow talk with me and solve all these problems between us. Ntahla. Aku rasa macam nak clash je.”

01-07-05
That’s all I could give..

01-07-06
“I think I’ve fallen in love with the beach laa. Serious.. I could just sit there, doing nothing, listen to the sound of the waves, counting the waves, the birds, taking pictures like a crazy person and just relax!! I mean, I can’t get that anywhere else!! It’s like, having a tryst with my own and only world! Eceyh poyo laa pulak. Dulu, somebody asked me, which place I’d prefer to stay; at the side of the beach or at the top of a hill. I used to like both places. But since God-knows-when, I feel so belonged to the beach, makes me feel so calm and comfortable. Ni yang tak boleh apply univ kat tepi laut ni, confirm tak belaja, buat course photography plak nanti. Haha.. So yea, I took some pictures..” - When the nature sings..

01-07-07
“Soooo.. ermm, what I’ve been up to recently?? Well, met up some bangi friends. Went out for a movie with lupi and those two kiddos at Cineleisure few days back. We watched Surf’s Up. And hey, it’s a nice cartoon, really enjoyed it. It’s better than Happy Feet I would say. No, we didn’t manage to get tickets for transformers and as for that, we’re planning to watch it with Abg Amir Along Ima n Angah Aya later but I’m not sure when they’re free or better still, when I’m free. Bajet, jgn x bajet. Haha.. Ermm.. went for shopping, bought myself a DigiCam magazine costs almost 40bucks. Now, that’s the most expensive photography magazine I’ve ever bought. But it’s worthwhile with all the tips and free cd of photoshop tutorial so I’m not regret hanging the expense. And ermm, Qi1@h and her friend im@n dropped by my house this afternoon. We chatted for a while, and then they left.” – Time keeps ticking.

01-07-08
“Now, here comes the most awaited part. Hehe..

Let me see. 2000 was like 8 years ago. Can you believe it? I still have my diaries kept from 2000 till 2005, just before I started to involve in blogging. And I have been blogging for almost 4 years now. What a miracle. Haha..

Let’s go one by one.

Firstly, in 2000, yep, that was my first time in the UK. Masa tu kitorg pergi sana for Angah @ya punya graduation kat Nottingham.

Lepastu in 2001, about Fakhrul, I honestly can remember not a single thing about him. Haha.. Kelakar. Ntah siapa ntah pakcik tu. Aku harap dia hidup lagi. Dan kalau hidup, semoga dia menjadi insan yang berguna. Huhu..

Lepastu, in 2003. pasal discman kena rampas. Haha.. aku ingat lagi time ni. Dalam discman tu ada CD Backstreet Boys. Astaghfirullah.. apa ni budak maahad buat perangai buruk mcm tu. Kuikui.. And then, pertandingan bercerita untuk ihtifal Bahasa Arab??? OH MY GOD. Aku gelak besar for this one. Haha.. nak suruh aku berbahasa arab sekarang mmg boleh dikatakan antara tindakan yang paling tidak bijak dalam dunia. Hehe.. Abang Din pulak. Well, the last time I heard about him which was like 3 years ago, dia dah ada baby boy yg sangat comel! Sekarang dah tak dengar apa2 langsung dah.

Lepastu, in 2004, minggu aktiviti kat MR$M L@ngkawi. Main konda-kondi? Part ni memang aku tak ingat langsung. Huhu.. Pasal H@fiz. Oh well.. there’s nothing left to be talked about.

Pasal article in 2005, tu aku tulis untuk izy@n. Apa cerita la makcik tu kat monash. Haish.. rindunye diee :( harini dah la birthday die. Huhu.. HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY IZYANTOBOBO!!

In 2006, ni detik-detik aku mula bergiat dalam photography. Aku ingat lagi betapa aku pulun nak buat ‘lightbox’ tu. Tu ijun pak k0jer la ajar. Sekarang tak guna pun. Haha.. [p/s: want to know how the 'lightbox' works? Click on the photo below :)]

In 2007, takde ape sangat dah.

Now, it’s 2008. My intention for this entry is to make it the last one for this little bloggy. Now you know some of my secrets that I have been keeping all this while. Well, some of you might have known but a big bunch of my secret readers might not. That’s fine. Sebenarnya banyak je lagi rahsia-rahsia yang aku tak cerita. I think I’ll just keep them to myself.

And now, I think it’s the time for me to let this bloggy go. I won’t delete it. It may remain on the net for.. I don’t know, future references perhaps. Or untuk sesi taaruf ke. Hahahahahahahahaha.. Ok tak2. that’s a bad joke. Hehe.. Or probably because I love it as much as I love my other diaries that I’ve been keeping for years. It has been a precious thing to me, I admit, and will always be. But I think cukup lah setakat ni kot. I won’t delete it and neither am I going to keep it active. When I click the ‘Publish Post’ button, everything from then backwards will be a HISTORY. But from then onwards, it will be an uncertain FUTURE.

I don’t want to be so emotional and sentimental over this entry [although I really am!] but I just want to thank all of you especially the ones who have been following my crappy stories from years ago. I really appreciate it. I really had great times being a storyteller, being a writer and being a blogger. To all my friends, don’t worry. I’m not dead yet [as of now! Hehe..] so if you wish to contact me, by all means, please do. You know how / where to reach me. If you don’t.. then you’re not my friend. Hehe..

So, good luck people!

photo taken by deyna rashid.

Sunny Rain

2008-06-25T08:27:00.010+08:00

~Ketika senyuman terkuntum di muka, tangisan di hati hanya Dia yang tahu~

Semalam dia telefon. Lepas dapat sms daripada aku. Aku dengar suara dia. Aku rasa sayu sangat. Rasa macam nak nangis sangat. Tapi aku sabar. Aku tahan. Aku tau dia sedih yang teramat. Kalau aku nangis, nanti dia nangis. Hehe..

Dulu, first time aku jumpa dia, pandang pun tak. Bukan sombong. Tapi sebab aku memang tak kenal kebanyakan orang kat situ termasuklah dia. Aku selalu la dengar cerita pasal dia sebab dia antara orang yang femes, antara orang yang menjadi pujaan hati. Ewah.. haha.. Tapi aku tak kenal dia. Aku tengok dia dari jauh je. Lepastu, belum sempat aku kenal dia, kitorang terpisah.

Selepas beberapa tahun kitorg dipisahkan dengan jarak yang jauh, aku jumpa dia balik. Tapi kenal gitu-gitu je la. Masa berlalu, entah macam mana Tuhan tautkan hati kami. Nak kata baru berkenalan, rasa macam dah kenal lama tapi baru sekarang aku dapat rasa kemanisan hubungan kami.

Walaupun aku dan dia mempunyai hubungan yang istimewa, kami tetap dipisahkan dengan jarak yang jauh. Sangat jarang dapat jumpa. Yang menghubungkan kami hanyalah YM dan sms. Tapi masing-masing sibuk, jarang dapat berborak-borak.

“Take care, Dina. Jangan lupa plan kita!! Aku masih menanti hari dapat spend time dengan kau,”

Masa tu, aku dah plan masa depan macam-macam dengan dia. Kahwin. Honeymoon. Tapi tak sampai beberapa bulan, aku dapat berita yang dia akan menamatkan zaman bujang dia. Aku tak tahu nak rasa apa. Rasa gembira ada. Tapi aku sedih sebab aku tak dapat nak bersama dengan dia lagi lepas ni. Baru je hubungan kami berputik, ada orang lain yang masuk line. Tapi apa aku boleh buat. Sebagai seorang kawan, aku sangat gembira. Tapi jauh di sudut hati, ada sedikit kesedihan.

“Dina, kau kawan pertama yang aku bagitau ni. Aku akan make sure kau free masa tarikh akad aku. Kalau tak, memang aku menangis kalau kau tak datang,”

Aku masih ingat kata-kata dia. Sejak aku dapat berita tu, memang aku tak sabar-sabar nak balik Malaysia. Aku dah bagitau mak aku suruh tempahkan baju istimewa untuk hari itu. Jauh mak aku pergi sampai ke KB untuk beli kain. Hehe.. Sejak aku dapat berita tu, aku sentiasa mengira saat dan detik waktu. Ramai orang nak buat appointment dengan aku masa cuti ni [cewah, bajet femes ke?] tapi aku kata aku tak free sebab nak spend time dengan dia sebelum dia bersama dengan orang lain. Walaupun aku rasa sedih dia akan diambil orang, tapi aku nak berada di sisi dia di waktu istimewa tu. Aku nak jadi saksi kepada saat-saat bahagia dia.

Aku bangga dengan dia. Sebab dia begitu tabah menghadapi segala dugaan dalam perjalanan menuju ke situ. Sekali sekala, dia akan mengadu dekat aku semua masalah. Dia akan cerita kat aku segala perkembangan.

“Thanx Dina, for always being there. Tiba-tiba rindu pulak dekat kau,”

Aku terharu. Aku terharu sebab dia pilih aku untuk kongsi segala masalah dia. Baru aku rasa manisnya hubungan kami. Tapi sayang. Kelak, dia sudah ada orang lain untuk berkongsi hidup dengan dia. Aku sedih sebab aku tak pasti sama ada dia akan menjadi tempat aku berkongsi masalah aku. Masa tu, mungkin dia ada hidup peribadi dia sendiri.

Namun, kita hanya merancang dan Allah adalah sebaik-baik Perancang. Apa aku dan dia rancang selama ni, kini hanya tinggal angan-angan yang tak mungkin dapat direalisasikan.

“Dear N, I’m sorry that I have to tell you this. As much as I’m disappointed about it, I know you will feel the same. I failed my exam. And I have to sit for the qualifying examination. I’m going back to Malaysia this Friday but I’ll be coming back for the exam next month. Unfortunately, my flight back to Malaysia will be on the same day as your special day. I’m sorry that I’m not going to make it. Aku sangat sedih :( but I’m sure it will be your happiest day, even without having me besides,“

Aku hanya mampu sms dia. Aku tak mampu nak call dia. Sebab aku tak mampu nak dengar suara dia. Aku tahu dia sedih. Tapi aku yakin dia faham dengan kesedihan aku sendiri. Lepas dia call aku semalam, terbayang-bayang wajah dia dalam kepala aku.

Walau sejauh mana kesedihan aku sebab tak dapat nak ada di sisi dia di waktu istimewa itu, walau sejauh mana kesedihan aku sebab tak dapat nak spend time dengan dia, Allah lebih mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk dia. Dan aku.

Biarlah ini menjadi satu kekecewaan bagi aku tapi yang penting, saat-saat yang bakal dia hadapi nanti akan menjadi satu kebahagiaan buat dia. Dan itu lebih membahagiakan aku.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yesterday was a history. In one day, I had learnt so much that I won’t regret it even for a second. No matter how much tears I have shed, how much prayers I have recited, no one could ever replace the feelings I have inside. But that does not matter anymore. What really matters right now is to have a strong faith and hoping that He would accept all my time and energy that I have spent. Hoping that He would guide me to the right path. Hoping that one day, I will get my ultimate wish materialised. Dan itulah kebahagiaan yang teragung.

So, I’m going back this Friday. I know things won’t be the same now. I might be out of reach for a while. I want to exclude myself from all sorts of distraction. I want to spend most of my time with my family. I want to prepare myself for the better. And I want to shape myself into someone whom He can give His love to.

photo taken by KochiLochi™.

"Berserah sajalah kepada Allah. Allah Maha Mengetahui dan Dia tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kita. Kalau Allah tak kabulkan apa yg kita mahu, redha sahajalah dengan ketentuanNya. InsyaAllah Dia kabulkan doa kita pada waktu lain dgn sesuatu yg lebih baik atau dengan cara yang lebih baik. InsyaAllah.." - Thanx, R :)

This is it..

2008-06-23T21:17:00.008+08:00

"Talking about this, there’s only one beliefs that I have a sturdy grip on that keeps me strong to walk on this road called ‘life’. The Fairness of The God Almighty. The more I believe in it, the more confident I’ll be. There’s nothing in this world can get into your way and destroy the path that you’ve been tracing all this while. Of course it doesn’t always work easily but that’s the thrill because you know that everything you do has no more than ONE BIG REASON. Itulah yang dikatakan dengan tujuan hidup hanya kerana Allah." - Close your eyes and get down to your heart.

So this is it. To be honest, I'm not really sure what to feel. Of course, aku dah puas nangis bila ckp dengan family td. Huhu.. But somehow, I expected worse. Perhaps because I have mentally prepared for it so I don't feel that bad. Alhamdulillah, I see this as a positive thing. I'm going back to Malaysia this friday anyway. But I'm coming back for the qualifying examination.

"Sabar ye Dina. Pasti ada hikmah di sebaliknya,"

"You have tried your best. This is the best for you that He has destined you for. Be strong,"

"He has a better plan for you, Dina. Kitorg semua doakan ko,"

Numbness. I really appreciate all those beautiful words and support from my friends. But all I'm looking forward is to going back and see my family. My strength, my spirit, is all with them. And HIM, of course. I don't know. I somehow feel He's here real close, counting my tears, listening to my prayers. I know He's there. And that is all what really matters right now.

All praise be to Allah. I hope He could make me a stronger person. I'm fine. I'm positive about it. I just want to see my family now :) I've been missing them so much.

All in all, this is not the end of the road anyway. In a way, I'm quite thankful for it to happen now, rather than tomorrow or in 10 years' time if you get what I mean. But everything has been written in The Book anyhow. Amat tidak wajar untuk aku berkesedihan atas satu sebab yang sangat kecil, terlalu kecil untuk aku dapat tiket ke SyurgaNya. So, I thank Allah for giving me this chance, for giving me this pathway, to bringing myself closer to Him :)

Alhamdulillah..

photo taken by Elysium Exposed.

"segala puji bagiMu ya Allah, yang pertama, tanpa ada yang mengawali, yang terakhir, tanpa ada yang mengakhiri, segala puji bagiMu ya Allah, yang memberiku kemampuan untuk mensyukuri nikmatMu."

p/s: To all my friends, especially M@i d@t @zh n qil@h, who have been praying and supporting me all this while, thank you so much [and congratulations as well ;)]. May Allah bless you guys and may He grant you with His love, now and forever :)

Lets face it

2008-06-20T01:24:00.005+08:00

Just immediately after I opened my eyes, I saw nothing but whiteness. Nothing. It was all white and spotless.

“Ok gather here please” I heard a human’s voice following my awkwardness.

Then I saw this one group of people. Holding something that is not called as ‘scalpel’. No scrub. No medical equipment. But I noticed the spotlight though.

“Today you’re going to be a protégé. Each one of you will be assigned to one mentor and you’re going to have your own way of learning. Just ask anything you wish. Take this golden opportunity to make your dream come true. You’re going to have this one whole day. Use it wisely.”

Whiteness. But the people were there.

And I heard my name being called. “This is your mentor, Mr X. Follow him and he will teach you all the techniques that you need to know,”. He was tall and bald. All I could recognise was his smile. And a strap around his neck with ‘Canon’ being written on it.

I was in a whiteroom. And all I could remember from then onwards was the bright light of the flashguns.

Huh?

Aku mimpi aku jadik photographer belajar dengan mat saleh?

Gila.

Hari isnin ni keluar results. Tu je point aku. Tu je aku nak cakap.

Memang gila!

photo taken by anwarul hakim ahmad.

Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world..

Si Pelari Layang-Layang

2008-06-19T09:54:00.004+08:00

A must watch movie:

If I must say, this movie is simply beautiful. The message behind it is very awe-inspiring. However, the downside is, it does not represent a good muslim lifestyle. Sangat obvious kot. Boleh jadi fitnah kepada Islam itu sendiri. Part tu memang aku agak insulted la tapi jalan cerita memang best. Part yang aku paling suka is masa Amir jan solat kat masjid kat Pakistan tu with Sami Yusof's song (Supplication) as the background music. Sangat 'cantik'!

All in all, cerita ni berjaya buat aku nangis. So maknenye best! :P

"Who are we in this complicated world?"

p/s: thanx to Qil@h for being the storyteller :D

It's more than just being afraid

2008-06-18T07:26:00.004+08:00

Aku ke Bristol hari tu. Dan aku menemui satu penemuan baru tentang diri aku. Selama ni, bukannya aku tak tahu tentang ‘fear’ aku tapi tak pernah tahu sejauh mana ke’fear’an aku itu. Selama ni ingatkan ‘takut’ main-main. Tapi tak. Aku ‘takut’ betul-betul rupa-rupanya. Kalau aku join program ‘Fear Factor’, mesti aku tarik diri kalau depa suruh aku buat stunt yang berkaitan dengan ‘fear’ aku ni. Kalau diorang paksa aku buat jugak, maybe aku akan memalukan diri dengan menangis depan seluruh manusia di atas muka bumi yang tengok siaran episod tu. Haha..

Tinggi.

Tak, aku bukan takut dengan orang tinggi. Tapi aku takut dengan ketinggian. Senang cerita, aku gayat pada ketinggian. Dan maksud aku dengan gayat adalah ‘sangat takut’!!

Aku ke Clift0n Suspensi0n Bridge. Menikmati keindahan alam ciptaan Tuhan yang sangat cantik dari atas bukit tu. Dan sememangnya, Suspension Bridge itu sangatlah tinggi sebenarnya. Tak tahulah tapi bagi aku tinggi la. Dan jambatan tu selalunya dijadikan tempat orang membunuh diri. Dekat dinding Suspensi0n Bridge tu ada diletakkan no telefon yang boleh dihubungi sebelum orang tu membuat keputusan utk membunuh diri. Aku rasa macam kelakar. Tapi mungkin tak kelakar di saat orang tu nak bunuh diri.

photo taken by brist0l_b0und.

Anyway.. masa nak jalan-jalan atas jambatan tu, aku rasa macam jambatan tu goyang-goyang. Aku hampir-hampir nak batalkan niat aku untuk cross jambatan tu. Seriously, pada saat dan ketika tu, aku baru betul-betul perasan yang aku sebenarnya sangat-sangat takut dengan ketinggian. Ni bukan takut main-main. Ni takut yang sampai aku rasa nak nangis. Hahahaha.. Orang sepatutnya jalan-jalan atas jambatan tu sambil menikmati keindahan alam sekeliling. Tapi aku tak. Aku jalan dengan lajunya sambil mata hanya tunduk tengok kaki aku berjalan. Tak mampu nak tengok kiri kanan. Takut terjatuh. Dan takut tak mampu nak selamatkan diri dan kamera tersayang.

On the way balik dari jambatan tu, aku nampak belon panas kat langit. Lalu aku menjerit keanak-anakan “Heyyyy bestnyee!! Nak naik hot air balloon laa!” kata aku dengan penuh keyakinan dan ke’syok-sendiri’an. Kawan aku membalas, “Haah, kat sini selalunya time summer memang banyak la hot air balloon and one of the cheapest jugak. So boleh la ko naik nanti!”. “Hooo cool gile! Takpe.. I’ll save that for my honeymoon lah,” kata aku dengan penuh kepoyoan sambil tersengih gedik [eeeyyyuuu!~] Tiba-tiba kawan aku lagi sorang mematikan lamunan aku, “Eh, ko kan gayat! Tak takut terjatuh tergolek ke masa kau tengok-tengok dari atas nanti?”

Dan memang, lamunan aku terus mati dan tidak hidup kembali. Mati forever. Aku tak tahu macam mana nak hidupkan balik lamunan aku tu. Susah!! Almost impossible!! Sigh..

photo taken by mohdfarif.

I used to tell a friend of mine, “The only way for you to overcome your fear is by denying. Deny your fear and you’ll free yourself bit by bit.” Now I found that the statement that was made by an immature yet 'perasan bagus' side of me is terribly ridiculous!! Maybe it is true to some extent that I am a 'denial' kind of person. And I'm afraid that I have to agree on that. Kesimpulannya, don’t be too philosophical and idealistic when you yourself didn’t know the truth you have never experienced.

Moving Forward

2008-06-12T08:35:00.005+08:00

Alhamdulillah. Exam dah habis. Abangku pun dah balik Londang [read: L0nd0n bebeh] dan nak balik Mesia pun ahad ni. Aku? Balik Malaysia? Huh.. Malas nak fikir. Tak tahu kenapa sejak dua menjak ni rasa macam ada aura tak balik. Haha.. Aku ni, bila aura dan naluri hati dah come into play, dia bahaya sikit. Probability untuk berlaku agak tinggi. Huhu.. Tapi takpe.. Aku nak start prepare aku punya mental sekarang. Walau apa pun, perjuangan masih belum selesai! [ read: drama queen mode, bak kata M@i gedik :P ]

Sejak beberapa perkara berlaku kebelakangan ni, aku rasa macam nak give up this blog. Ntah.. Ini bukanlah kali pertama aku rasa macam tu. Maybe dah yang ke sepuluh juta. Tapi kali ni perasaan tu agak kuat. Ntah.. Ini bukanlah kali pertama aku rasa perasaan yang kuat tu. Maybe dah yang ke lima juta. Ntahla.. *sigh*

Aku takde mood la lepas abang aku balik ni. Homesick ke? Argh! Aku taknak fikir pasal rumah! Aku taknak fikir pasal Malaysia! Aku nak kena start plan la KALAU aku tak balik. Hmm.. Nak pegi Dublin ah. Ade ape? Ntah. Haha.. Jom pegi Itali nak?

Whateverrr..

Tak bolehhhhhhh.. kawan aku nak kawen!! Kena balik!!! Oh mannn.. Psycho gile. Haha.. Baru semalam kawan aku yang nak kawen summer ni kata: “Dina, aku mimpi ngeri malam tadi. Aku mimpi ko tak dapat datang wedding aku!” Haha.. huish, serious psycho. Huhu.. Ntah-ntah ajal sudah sampai waktu? Haha lagi psycho. Eh, tapi betul la kan? Ajal boleh sampai bila-bila kan? Kan? [ read: insaf mode. Baru lepas publish artikel pasal neraka kat iLuvi$l@m.c0m. Sob sob.. ].

Dah la. Baik aku stop sebelum aku merepek. Apa-apa pun, perjuangan masih belum selesai!!

photo taken by tp.

Ya Allah... Ya Qayyum...
Berikan ku kekuatan mengikuti ajakan RasulMu
Berikan ku kemampuan mengikuti jejak RasulMu
Baru sedikit waktu ku dalam berjuang
Namun terasa berat perjuangan ini

Ya Allah ...Ya Muhaimin...
Baru sedikit langkah ku
Namun terasa panjang perjalanan ini
Air mata bercucuran mengingat semua ini
Ku memohon perlindungan dan kekuatan ya Rahim
Salawat dan salam
Untuk nabi Muhammad SAW

Ya Allah...Ya Baqi...
Ku hanya mempunyai waktu yang sedikit lagi
Di muka bumi ini
Mungkin tidak sepuluh tahun
Atau bahkan kurang dari satu tahun
Tapi ku minta ya Rahman
Agar sisa hidup yang Engkau berikan padaku
Menjadi amal ibadah
Untuk memuliakan Engkau Ya Allah
Untuk mengabdikan diri pada Engkau
Untuk mengagungkan Nabi Muhammad-Mu
Untuk mengagungkan para rasul-Mu

Ya Allah..Ya Muakhir…
Ku tidak tahu akan berapa lama lagi aku berjuang
Kerana Engkau akan mematikan ku dengan tiba-tiba
Tanpa ku ketahui

Ya Allah....Ya Muhyi...Ya Mumit...
Apabila Engkau matikan ku esok
Matikan ku dalam husnul khatimah
Apabila Englau matikan ku tahun depan
Maka matikan ku dengan rasa rindu pada-Mu

Ya Awwal ...Ya Akhir...Ya Muqaddim...
Ku ingin berjumpa dengan para nabi dan rasul
Para malaikat dan bidadari
Dan berjumpa dengan Engkau Ya Allah
Inilah cita-cita ku
Inilah keinginan ku yang membara....

p/s: aku sangat suka gambar atas ni. Rasa macam ada makna yang sangat mendalam! Tahniah buat tp! Sampai nampak urat kaki orang tu! Urat ape tu ek? Yang aku tahu, konfem bukan dorsalis pedis artery! Cececece.. poyooo! Haha..

Cepatlah berlalu wahai Selasa..

2008-06-09T10:05:00.007+08:00

Aku teringat satu ketika dahulu. Aku ni jenis yang bukanlah bergaul bebas sangat tapi disebabkan pendedahan aku kepada alam maya ni agak awal [since i was in standard 6 kalau tak silap] so I got to know quite a lot of people from various backgrounds. Mostly through mIRC lah. But mind you that was not a professional or important kind of acquaintanceship. That was more towards kenal mengenali bla bla bla if you get what I mean. And yes, aku mengaku, kalau dalam mIRC tu, jangan haraplah aku nak layan perempuan. Hah hah.. Oh well.. that was like ages and ages ago.

One thing that some of you might not know about me is I used to be in a relationship. I could not remember why I decided to have a boyfriend at that time. Masa tu takde blog ustad H@$riz@l lagi. Takde buku '@ku terim@ nik@hny@' lagi. Hahaha.. But tak kisah la. My point is, masa tu ramai je yang banyak bagi hint. Tapi aku ni jenis yang agak ego. Tak main la hint hint ni. Kalau suka aku, cakap je terus terang. Ewah ewah. Dan kalau aku suka orang pun aku tak bagi hint. Tapi aku tak terus terang la. Haha.. Eh aku penah suka orang ke? Mau kena tumbuk dengan @zhreen kalau aku tanya dia soklan tu. Haha.. Mane nak campak Dr. Khalis dan Encik Krisdankristal? Hehe..

Anyway, so daripada ramai-ramai jejaka yang duk bagi hint ni, yang jenis mulut-mulut manis ni, ada la sorang mamat ni yang confess. Ok fine. Aku bukan nak membuka pekung di dada yang aku ni dulu agak 'playgirl' di alam maya ni. Hah hah hah.. Dan aku bukan nak cakap yang aku ni 'hotstuff'. Tapi point aku ialah, walaupun ada ramai yang pandai berkata manis, yang pandai ambik hati aku, yang muka hensem bak bulan purnama, yang pandai bagi-bagi hint, yang pandai bermain kata-kata ni, aku pilih sorang mamat ni yang low profile je, yang takdelah pandai main kata sangat, yang takdelah anak raja ke ape, yang nampak je takde pape tapi hebat sebenarnya. Bakal doktor lagi! Masa tu la. Sekarang dah doktor dah. Dah kahwin dah. Huhu..

Ok. Itu je cerita aku. Hehe.. Maybe some of you might get what I'm trying to say, some of you might not. Tapi kesimpulannya, currently I'm not in any relationship tapi aku ada hubungan yang lebih kurang sama dengan konsep cerita aku di atas. Dan boleh dikatakan agak bahagia. Huhu.. Mungkin kawan aku di Adelaide, atau kawan aku yang suka tengok cerita kartun pocoyo, kawan aku kat Warwick, kawan aku kat Gua Sarawak, atau kawan-kawan aku yang lain faham. Yang tak faham pun takpe, tak perlu faham.

Aaaaanywayy. Aku tanya soalan cepumas kat @zh, Qil@h and d@t tadi: "Korang terkejut tak kalau kita kahwin after phase 1? Lepas masuk clinical?". Jeng jeng jeng. Paling suka tengok reaksi @zhreen. Haha.. Mungkin ada orang yang akan tergelak besar dengan soalan tu, mungkin ada orang yang hanya akan sengih-sengih tanda faham, mungkin ada orang yang akan nangis kerana aku sudah diambil orang. Hahaha.. Whatever it is, simpan je lah tawaan, sengihan dan tangisan korang tu sebab itu hanyalah soalan semata-mata dan bukanlah HINT. Aku ulang, that is just a mere question and NOT A HINT. Aku belum nak kahwin lagi! Oh mann.. lusa ade 0SCE :(

Sorang kawan baik aku nak kahwin bulan 8 ni. Mak aku pulak yang pressure tanya bila aku pulak nak kahwin. Aduhai.. Memang silap besar kalau bring up this topic dengan mak aku. Pelik.. mak orang lain suruh anak habis belajar dulu. Mak aku yang tak sabar-sabar nak suruh aku kahwin. Macam mana ni? Tak elok buat mak pressure pressure kan? Tak elok buat mak risau. Jadi? Hehe.. Abaikan. Aku masih waras.

Oh ya. Aku masih ada 0SCE Selasa pagi ni. Aku perlu FOKUS! Lepastu Lupi nak datang. Lepastu nak pergi jalan-jalan pulak. Hehehe bestnye exam dah nak habis!!! Cepatlah berlalu wahai hari Selasa.

photo taken by G!L.

When everything is dark.. There is a star in the sky. Guiding my way with its light.

"..but it may well be that you hate a thing the while it is good for you, and it may well be that you love a thing the while it is bad for you: and God knows, whereas you do not know." [2:216]

Oh La La~

2008-06-05T13:29:00.017+08:00

“Agak-agak kalau orang-orang U, orang-orang non-muslim semua datang dengar forum tu, kalau diorang bersetuju nak sokong PA$, semua nakkan Islam, agak-agak boleh ke wujud ‘daulah islamiyyah’?”

Hari ni kita cakap benda berat sikit ok? Kalau boleh terima dengan hati terbuka, Alhamdulillah. Kalau tak boleh terima, boleh la tutup window ni skrg. Huhu..

Tak tahu kenapa. Soalan tu masih terngiang-ngiang dalam kepala otak aku. Benda dah lama. Isu tu dah basi. Dah nak dekat sebulan isu tu dibincangkan dalam usrah. Tapi tak tahu kenapa. Aku rasa macam ada sesuatu yang masih hilang. Tak tahulah. Aku sendiri masih mencari-cari. Aku sendiri masih fening.

Tak tahu kenapa, dalam banyak-banyak usrah yang aku pergi, usrah tu jugak yang buat aku terfikir dengan dalamnya. Balik tu memang tak senang duduk. Lama aku termenung. Jauh aku mengelamun. “Aku ke yang fikir banyak sangat? Aku ke yang jahil sebenarnya? Aku ke yang over react? Aku ke yang tak sama wavelength dengan diorang? Aku ke yang buang karan duk pikiaq pasai ni?”

“Ni rasa macam soalan tricky je. Mesti ada answer scheme ni. Ntah la, tak boleh kot..”

“Ermm.. tak tahulah. Boleh kot. Ke tak boleh?”

Aku tak ingat dah apa kawan-kawan seusrah aku jawab. Tapi yang aku ingat aku adalah orang last yang jawab. Dan dengan yakinnya aku kata, “Yes, it is possible. Mestilah boleh. Sebab once orang Islam yang pegang kepimpinan, so bolehlah hukum Islam ditegakkan.”

Malangnya.. jawapan aku tak sama dengan answer scheme yang telah disediakan. Oh well.. aku malas nak bebel banyak. Apa yang aku bahaskan lepas tu biarlah tersimpan dalam kotak memori aku sendiri. Betapa aku berbahangnya lepas tu, biarlah aku simpan sendiri. Betapa aku rasa macam nak nangis lepas tu, biarlah Allah je yang tahu. Tapi.. satu benda is, aku belajar banyak benda from that particular discussion.

First, aku kena belajar carik banyak ilmu lagi. Banyak lagi benda yang aku tak tahu. Second, yes, aku kena perbaiki diri sendiri. Third, aku kena belajar kawal emosi. Sebab aku ni cepat emotional. Haha..

Aku bukan nak salahkan mana-mana pihak. Aku bukan nak kata aku je yang betul yang lain salah. TAK. Aku tak kata mana-mana pihak salah. Aku bukan nak pertikaikan orang-orang yang lagi banyak ilmu agama daripada aku. TAK. Aku hormat dengan pandangan dan ilmu yang diorang bagi. Yes, aku admit yang aku memang terlalu jahil kalau nak bincang bab-bab agama ni. Aku memang terlalu jahil kalau nak bincang bab-bab ‘daulah islamiyyah’ ni.

TAPI.. FOR ONCE.. For once, aku terfikir satu je…

Kenapa kita terlalu berfikiran negatif? Kenapa kita perlu persoalkan samada daulah islamiyyah akan tertegak ke tak? Malaysia tu busuk sangat ke utk dijadikan Negara Islam? Kenapa kita tak yakin dengan kegemilangan Islam? Nak harapkan orang lain ke yang nak perjuangkan Islam kat Malaysia tu? Kenapa kita perlu sempitkan istilah ‘Tarbiyyah’ tu? Kenapa kita perlu pentingkan diri sendiri? Kenapa kita rasa dalam dunia ni kita je orang islam, kita je umat nabi Muhammad? It’s not about whether it is possible or not. It’s not about when. Sebab memang Allah dah janji dalam Quran yang Islam akan kembali gemilang satu hari nanti. Hari ni? Esok? Lusa? Tulat? Lepas kita mati? Bila-bila Allah nak. It’s not about who will be bringing Islam back. It’s not about this Jemaah or that Jemaah. It’s not about PA$ or U. Sebab Islam tu untuk semua. It’s not about anything. It’s about THE RELIGION; ISLAM itself.

Aku bukan apa. Aku bercakap untuk diri aku sendiri yang sememangnya masih jahil, masih terlalu bengap untuk bebel banyak pasal ni. Tapi aku tak rasa puas lepas balik daripada usrah tu. Aku tak rasa CUKUP. Aku rasa masih terlalu banyak ‘pieces’ yang hilang.

So what am I trying to point out here?

I don’t know.

You go and find out yourself. If you really, I mean, REALLY care about Islam, if you really want to see Islam as ‘ustaziatul alam’, you can’t just sit there and do nothing. You have to be REALISTIC and NOT IDEALISTIC. You have to be PRACTICAL and PROACTIVE. Allah ada cakap dalam Al-quran [maaf tak ingat surah apa], kalau kamu taknak tegakkan Islam, Allah tak rugi apa-apa pun. Allah tak heran pun kita nak perjuangkan Islam ke tak. Allah sedikitpun tak rugi. Malah, Allah akan datangkan satu kaum yang perjuangkan Islam. So? Tepuk dada tanya iman.

Apa-apa pun, aku punya kesimpulan ada satu je. Walau apa pun, aku tetap yakin dengan kepimpinan ulama’ dalam PA$. Aku bukan nak berpolitik. Aku bukan nak pro-PA$ atau anti-U. Aku bukan nak kata PA$ is THE ONLY WAY untuk ‘daulah islamiyyah’. But I am a Malaysian. I am a Muslim Malaysian. So takkan aku nak harapkan kebangkitan Islam kat Indon? Takkan aku nak harapkan kebangkitan Islam dekat Arab Saudi? Aku tak kata tak possible. Yes, Islam tu possible di mana-mana sahaja satu dunia ni. Yes, Islam tu akan bangkit untuk mana-mana kaum atau bangsa. Yes, Islam tu bukan untuk mana-mana jemaah pun.

But to be REALISTIC, PRACTICAL and PROACTIVE, dalam konteks Negara Malaysia, dalam konteks aku as rakyat Malaysia, aku kena sokong party yang perjuangkan Islam la, ye dok? It happens to be that PA$ yang perjuangkan hukum Allah. Note and perceive my sentence as objectively as possible ok? I repeat: It HAPPENS to be that PA$ yang perjuangkan HUKUM dan UNDANG-UNDANG Allah. Betul kan ayat tu? Huhu.. Kalau Allah bagi hidayah kat U, kalau U letakkan Al-quran dan Sunnah sebagai perjuangan mereka, yes, lagi la logic Malaysia tu nak jadik Negara Islam sebab diorang yang pegang kepimpinan sekarang.

So, when you say Hukum and Undang-Undang Allah, dah terang benderang kat situ ada perkataan undang-undang. So nak tak nak, you have to fight via politics la. Nak taknak, politics is the only way. You don't talk about Sirah Nabi without politics. You don't talk about Sejarah Dunia, World War ii, Perang Salib or what have you without politics. You don’t speak about Palestinian Issues without politics. You don’t speak about HAMA$ without politics. Betul tak?

Aku dah baca banyak artikel, banyak berita, dah tengok banyak video ceramah-ceramah kat internet tu, and yes, aku berani kata apa yang selama ni aku percaya, apa yang selama ni aku rasa is right. Aku just kata aku betul dengan jawapan aku tu. Sebab aku yakin yang Islam is relevant now and forever. Tapi aku tak kata mana-mana pihak salah. Yes we have different point of views, I respect that. But when I respect other people's opinions, I expect the same thing in return.

It’s not wrong to debate and discuss about this but one thing that we have to prepare ourselves before jumping into such discussion is we need to have knowledge, facts and be open minded. Berlapang dada and terbuka hati. When we have those criteria, then we know what our roles are. We won’t blame other people. We won’t say ‘I am right and you are wrong’. We won’t say ‘They are wrong and we are right’. No such thing.

But then again, this is just my opinion. Aku yang kerdil lagi dhoif lagi tak tahu apa-apa ni, you don’t have to take my points if you don’t want to. Tapi korang boleh la baca artikel-artikel orang-orang yang lebih berilmu macam Ustad H@$riz@l ke, ustad Z@h@ruddin ke. Kalau nak dengar ceramah yang ‘ringan’ yang boleh gelak-gelak sket, yang ‘lepak-lepak’ sikit, boleh la dengar ceramah Ustad @kil H@yy kat youtube tu. Seriously, walaupun aku gelak terkekeh-kekeh, dalam hati, apa yang aku rasa, Tuhan je tahu. Try la tengok ceramah ustad @kil. Best :) Bak kata ustad @kil, "Bukan nak ajak berpolitik. Bukan nak ajak join PA$. Tapi nak ajak BERFIKIR".

Jadi kesimpulannya, HARGA PETROL NAIK. Yeay! Sekian.

photo taken by nadia dar.

"Mohonlah pertolongan kepada Allah dan bersabarlah. Sesungguhnya bumi (ini) milik Allah; diwariskan-Nya kepada sesiapa sahaja yang Dia kehendaki di antara hamba-hambaNya. Dan kesudahan (yang baik) adalah bagi orang-orang yang bertakwa." [7:128]

Berita Jam 3: Dunia Warna-Warni

2008-06-02T22:03:00.003+08:00

Hari ni. Aku ada banyak berita. Berita gembira ada. Berita kelakar pun ada. Berita ala-ala tahpape pun ade. Berita tak penting pun ada. Tapi tak kisah la. Itula namanye warna-warni kehidupan.

Berita utama: First day exam. Dan ESOK. Adalah hari last written exam!!!! O$CE ade lagi daa~ Well. No komen. Biasa la. Mana ada orang kata exam seronok. Tapi aku tak kata pulak exam hari ni tak seronok. Habis tu seronok ke tak seronok exam hari ni? Tak kisah laa. Apa-apa pun boleh.

Berita gembira: Bro Karl dah dapat baby girl. Huhu.. Bro Karl tak pernah habaq plak kat aku selama ni dia bakal jadi papa. Tapi takpe. Aku dapat bayangkan kegembiraan seorang ayah bila dapat anak. Walaupun aku bukanlah seorang ayah. Dan aku bukanlah seorang ibu jua. Tapi aku adalah Mak Na. Haha.. Aku sangat rindu kanak-kanak ribena kat rumah tu. Kalau Mak Na pun boleh sayang dan rindu kat anak-anak sedara. Apatah lagi Bro Karl dapat anak kan? Betul tak? Ke tak betul?

Berita kelakar: Dalam banyak-banyak photographer satu Malaysia tu.. KENAPA LAAA pakcik tu jugak yang jadik photographer wedding H??????? Kenapa??? Apa masalah aku sebenarnye? Hahahahaha.. Ntah. Psycho.

Berita tak penting dan ala-ala tahpape: Aku makan nasi berlaukkan ayam bakar masak kicap madu pukul 6 pagi tadi. 6 PAGI!! Tak pelik eh? Mungkin pelik bagi aku seorang. Tak pernah aku makan nasik seawal itu. Tapi takpe. Yang penting perut aku gembira masa jawab exam tadi [walaupun otak takdela gembira mana. Haha..]

Berita yang aku masih tak boleh terima: Kenapa mesti pakcik tu yang jadik photographer wedding H?? KENAPA?????

photo taken by SERENDIPITY™.

"ART THOU NOT aware that God sends down water from the skies, whereby We bring forth fruits of many hues - just as in the mountains there are streaks of white and red of various shades, as well as (others) raven-black" - [35:27]

Maka, atas nasihat A, aku nak pergi tenangkan diri. Doakan aku akan tenang menghabiskan written exam aku esok.

Autoimmune disorder

2008-06-01T07:14:00.005+08:00

Hati ini terluka tanpa dilukai. Hati ini menangis tanpa dipinta.

Rilex ok. Bukan nak berjiwang. Isnin ni ade exam ok? Haha.. So apa kaitannye?

In medicine, we have this one type of disorder whereby your own antibodies produced in your body which are primarily used to fight againts FOREIGN particles are doing something else. In this case, your own antibodies are fighting against your OWN cells, hence the name; AUTOIMMUNE DISORDER.

Siapa tak faham boleh tanya personally. Haha..

photo taken by mohdfarif.

Aku tak tahula nak cakap macam mana tapi aku sangat suka gambar sunset ni. Sangat suka!! Sangat cantik! SubhanAllah.. Korang boleh la tengok gambar2 encik ni. Memang sangat cantik. Islamic pulak tu. Huhu.. Bagus2. Ade jugak photographer yang bukan macam encik N. Hah hah..

With that, I dedicate this special photo to my friends [Leicesterians la especially huhu] and all friends in other parts of the globe. Good luck in our exams! I hope that we would do well and could make through so that boleh balik Malaysia. Hehe.. But whatever it is, always remember that whatever results that we end up with, that is definitely the best for us regardless what letter that would come out next to our candidate number. Ok :)

And also to A in Adelaide. Please don't stop snapping. Please do come back to photography. Please get back to your camera. Please don't waste your flickr pro account. Hehe.. It's ok. I understand that you're taking a break but please do come back ok?

And last but not least, to my very special friend, H. Congratulations. I don't have anything else to say. After ALL these years, this time is for real. And I pray to Him that you and everyone around you will always be blessed now and forever. Again, to H and Y, congratulations on your wedding day :) 010608; I'll try not to keep that in mind ;)

Ok, cik mai akan marah kalau saya tak fokus. Jadi, mari kita fokus dan bukan berangan ok? :P

Wish me luck, people! And for those who have wished, thank you very much. May Allah bless you too! Take care :)

Every grain of sand,
In every desert land, He knows.
Every shade of palm,
Every closed hand, He knows.
Every sparkling tear,
On every eyelash, He knows.
Every thought I have,
And every word I share, He knows.
Allah knows

This piece is yours

2008-05-24T20:20:00.004+08:00

photo taken by Wynona R.

I've seen the bigger picture. I can't do everything and still have everything. So I have to let some pieces go. This piece.. this is your piece. I've watched you earn this piece hard way, the awful way. I know you deserve it. And I'm letting it go..

Good Luck, H :)

And I told you the truth..

2008-05-21T04:01:00.004+08:00

“So, what now, Dina?”
“You want me to tell you the truth or you want me to say ‘I don’t know. You decide.’?”

Something just brought me be back to the past, when I wish I would have fixed that particular time. But things just went totally wrong. It was over. And I accepted it even though it was not that easy.

I’ve been working quite hard these few days. Exams are coming up. And I’m trying to keep that thing out of my mind and I’m pretty much fine with that. I’ve been thinking quite a lot of things as well apart from my exams. At times, I just felt so overwhelmed and hope for the things that have been weighing me down to be let off steam at least bit by bit if not all in a go. But when you’re in a totally different time and place, different settings, different people around, you just can’t do it. But I don’t blame the circumstances to be that way. I just need to learn to be more realistic rather than being fragile and do nothing to help myself.

Oh, I’m just taking a break. By rambling, yes. Haha..

I talked to Nad yesterday. Dia cakap zarif and adam dah besar :) I just can’t wait to see them! I don’t want to miss the moment anymore. Arggh! Bencinye perasaan merindui anak sedara!

Ok.. jom sambung belajar!

photo taken by spikeyhelen.

p/s: 12 more days to go :)

What will there be at the end?

2008-05-17T08:40:00.003+08:00

"Oh, encik K dah lepas dah final year. Dah jadik Dr. K sekarang."

Fine. Congratulations Dr. K. I wish you all the best in your future undertakings.

If I could have a choice to not knowing someone whom I am totally not familiar with or in other words, someone who has absolutely nothing to do with me right in the first place, it would be encik K. Oops sorry. I mean, Dr. K. Bukan Datuk K ye. Now, I just wonder if Prozium does really exist. Because if it did, I'm desperately in need of it at this moment in time.

Because I have a massively big and gigantic exam [though it only consists of two papers but it matters more than you could ever imagine] in less than two weeks' time and I don't want to waste my time thinking about these loads of claptrap. I don't know why I am so upset about that. No, not because he's a doctor now whatsoever. I don't know. I'm just clueless.

Or probably my next cycle is about to come. Yea, that's more likely. If that's the case, then, thank God!

Oh yea, one more thing. Mr. Dave [my stimulated patient for the communication skill seminar] said: "If you really want to ask people to stop smoking, I advice you to prepare yourself with two important things: Don't be judgmental and don't expect too much. Because quitting from smoking is so damn hard. And no matter how long your endless list of possible risks and complications of smoking yada yada yada is, if the person has not ever considered to quit, then they won't care about what you say. They don't even want to listen to you. And you don't have to waste your time on that."

Well, for me, I would say, you don't be judgmental and you don't expect too much almost on everything! EVERYTHING!

Thank you very much.

photo taken by manganite.

"kalau la kt ada power..mst kt akan try utk vanish ingatan awk kat die". Thanx very much, S. That's very thoughtful of you. And yea, please, by all means, if you ever did, please get my memories of EVERYONE I don't wish to keep in mind vanished into thin air!

It's not difficult.. It's just unbearable.

2008-05-13T03:23:00.009+08:00

Running away from the reality has never been the answer to solve the problem. It has been for a few days since I last posted my previous rubbish entries. I was offline almost all the time except when I was skyping with my family. No, it's not because I'm 'puluning' and studying all the time for the exams. That's a big NO. I was basically shunning myself from those unexpected things. Don't worry, you no need to understand what I'm shitting right now. But basically, I did not sit and lay back and thinking about the past. I did not staring outside the window and wishing him well. I did have a weird dream last night but I didn't think about it. I treated the dream as a mere game of thought. I thought I was being coward and the only thing to do was running away. But the thing is, all those running-aways and whatever I did helped me a lot. It was a good solution. So theoretically, I was and am not running away. I am just moving on.

Days go by. Sometimes I feel so scared to move on. The only thing that I loathe so much is when I need and have to think about my future. But yea, I have 'tawakkaltu 'AlaAllaah' to help me out with that. But sometimes, just sometimes it doesn't always come that easy. Nad just got her offer to do medicine in KMB. Icah is now in Terengganu, studying hard for her exams. Lupi is sitting for his exams to. Along Ima just had her second exam today. I'm going to have mine in a few weeks' time. And in few months' time, Mum and Dad will be all alone at home. Isn't that scary? Mum and dad's children are all grown up. I'm going to get my first year of medicine over shortly. And needless to say that he's having his thing in a few weeks' time as well but that's another matter. What I'm trying to say is, time has been catching up on me so fast!

And not just that. I have other plenty of sheeeeeets of paper to deal with. I am an emotional person. Sometimes it's so hard to handle it. Sometimes, it's not difficult at all..but it's just unbearable. It's an ujian. And I am no way running away from it. But what the heck. I have HIM. He's preparing me for being a person with the better. And I should not be complaining. At all.

photo taken by Yusree.

And I have been missing photography for a while :(

p/s: This entry shows clearly that I'm not a pathos. But I don't know why, I'm still doing the countdown. Yes, I ain't a pathos but I am pathetic. You just knew me too well, H. Huhuhaha.. 18 days to go! Geez.. I really don't know what to expect! Excited!

Days Go By

2008-05-10T01:34:00.002+08:00

23 days to go. I hope things are getting on well :)

p/s: and 24 days to go before the exams start!

Another Day..

2008-05-04T12:47:00.011+08:00

1st of June, 2008.

Finally.

I don't know whether I should remember that date or not. I'm sure will even though I don't want to. I think I'm happy right now. I think I have the widest smile on my face right now. I think it's a tear of happiness on my cheek right now.

I know it will arrive sooner or later. I know I should have prepared for it long time ago. I know I should not be this surprised. I just know it! But why do I feel so akward? Why don't I feel the way I should be?

I just can't stop smiling!! You know what.. I'm not sure whether it's a good news to start off my day with or not. But whatever it is, I am so happy for you. And I will always pray for your happiness.

You know, like what I used to do, I would write you a long letter, telling you how sorry I am for what had happened, telling you how immature and ridiculous everything was, telling you how utterly funny things were, thanking you for those unforgettable ages, basically harking back to the past.

Although this entry is soooo understated and not enough, I'm still not doing it as I know it won't change anything. I don't want to spoil everything as how they have been set up for. As long as I know that this is the true bliss you've been looking for, that means the whole world to me. And I am sooo going to miss you.

Félicitations :)

Oh by the way, my exams are on the 2nd and 3rd of June. And that just spoils my mood T_T

May Allah bless you. And everyone around you.

p/s: To my blog readers, I know you know that I'm writing this specifically for someone else with a hope that the person reads it. But if the person does not, that is just fine. But as a result of this oh-so-shocking news I've just received this morning, I'll probably be offline for these few days. Let's just hope not for that long but I can't make any promise. As I am unacceptably feeling bemused with myself, I think I just need some space and time to get everything healed up. I'm sorry for this nonsensical entry but I myself hope things would be a little bit enlightening when they are just not making any sense at all. And now I'm talking gibberish as well! Urgh, whatever kot? Haha.. Pray for me, will you? Take care :)

The 'Thing'

2008-05-02T07:25:00.012+08:00

Dua hari lepas, genap setahun MM tinggalkan dunia blogging. Tak tahu kenapa tapi aku rasa sangat sentimental [being me, of course..]. I don’t know what she has been up to now but I pray to God that she’s coping her life well, be it for herself or for her family.

For the next four sessions, I will be having ‘Neoplasia’ for my MoD [mechanisms of disease] module. Now I get to know better the ‘thing’ that made MM’s life horrible for the past few years. Now I get to acquaint the ‘thing’ through which my aunty has to be. Whatever the ‘thing’ is, I’m sure it’ll make me appreciate this life more.

"During a routine medical check up, it was one of the blood test I request that tells me I have cancer. Listen to our body." - My endless support.

"According to her doctor, with such size of tumor, it is said that it has been developed since 9 years ago. And last day I heard Along Ima and Dad’s conversation about this. She said that the probability for the tumor to undergo metastasis (the spread of cancer from its primary site to other places in the body (e.g., brain, liver)) is quite high and it will be such a miracle if it doesn’t." - The Chill.

“Mak Ham buat CT scan tadi. Doctor kata the cell has gone to the liver and the spleen. About 1 to 2 cm jugak. Hari isnin baru buat bone scan pulak. Ntahla, kesian Mak Ham.” - The Chill II.

One of Lupi's friends in Cork has been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Kesian sangat. Tak tahulah apa cerita dengan akak tu. One power that the ‘thing’ has is, it can choose whoever and whenever it wants.

You. Me. Them. Or None.

Now. Tomorrow. Later. Or Never.

photo taken by firdaus omar.

To MM, for what you, MaleNurse and your family had gone through before, I hope your life offers you better things now :)

To ai and sarah, I've changed my background music. Dah tak sedih2 dah. Skrg lagu trance plak. Haha.. If you guys don't like this music as well, blame Zh@riq for making me having a liking for it. Hehe :P

To anyone who'll be having exams in the nearest time, all the best. I'm not gonna have any until early June. So yea, I'm currently not-quite-enjoying these brain-stuffing moments. Let's just hope that we'll survive the days!

To Kak Z@f [whom I doubt will be reading this. Huhu..] good luck with your final project! Semoga Allah permudahkan segalanya.

To miss mimi, thanks for promoting my blog. Now you've put it in a blaze of publicity! Cewah! Hahaha perasannye!! Nak aku belanje, meh la datang UK! Ade Nandos halal. Ha ha..

Ok, jom sambung belajar!

p/s: May we learn some lessons from those previous entries whose links I've put above.

Another one has been EXPLOREd :)

2008-04-29T01:28:00.003+08:00

Biarlah orang kata aku jakun ke, poyo ke, gelabah ke, yang penting aku puas hati dan happy :) Haha.. *excited*

Sekarang ni, ramai dah kawan aku yang semakin hebat dalam bidang 'penembakan' ni. Aku jugak yang masih terkedek-kedek di belakang. Seriously, aku sangat tak ada masa nak habiskan baca Digital Camera magazine yang duk mengumpul habuk atas rak buku aku tu. Dan aku memang sangat tak ada masa nak keluar dan menembak. Apatah lagi nak buat ringlight mcm encik Abe. Huhu.. Sedikit sebanyak, sedih jugak la sebab aku memang sangat passionate dengan photography ni. Tapi apakan daya. Semakin lama hidup, semakin banyak komitmen lain. Huhu..

Maka dengan itu, aku mengucapkan TAHNIAH kepada diri sendiri :)

Press The Button.

2008-04-26T10:38:00.003+08:00

“I have always been this prejudiced against the medical students. In case you wonderful students of medicine are starting to lose your temper on me, i suggest you to calm down and finish reading the whole article. You are taught to read lengthy documents and journals after all.”

I almost got crazy just now.

It has been months since I last talked to MN. After we had some series of rifts, I suddenly got this sudden urge to say hello and just to make sure that he’s mentally balanced, after all those nasty difficulties he had to go through. And I happened to stumble upon his recent blog entries. I know he likes to narrate. I know he has quite good English to communicate by. And I know he has been very keen to read medicine but only to find himself being stuck in an engineering course without interest. But I have never known that he had had THE history he never ever once told me.

And so I read a few sentences of the first episode of his history. And I almost got crazy. You know why? Because I have tonnes of stuff to read and revise. I have some essays to be submitted. I have a slide presentation on my people and disease module to prepare. And if I were to sacrifice my time for reading through his entries, I would rather ask someone to drill a hole in my skull and let those malicious bugs out of my head..

Anti-climax tak? Like.. whatever!

But despite all those anticlimactic yet sturdy pretexts, I have to admit that he’s been quite mentally balanced now. He’s back to his normal life. He’s back into the society. He’s back to his friends. And that’s just good to know.

“Hidup kita ni mcm movie kan. setiap manusia yg kita encounter dalam kehidupan ni masing2 ada role (watak) dia tersendri. bila Allah (the director of the movie) kata role orang tu dah habis, He will remove the watak from the movie, by whichever way He wants. boleh jadik orang tu masuk balik dalam movie tu sbb role dia sebenarnya belum habis lagi. selagi orang tu (atau kita sendiri) belum mati, APA-APA je boleh berlaku. We never know.”

That’s what I told T in my email, replying hers. No, we didn’t talk about MN in the emails. We talked about something bigger and utterly crazier. But anyhow, MN came back into the scene; my movie. I’m not sure for how long or for what reason but I’m sure his role is not over just yet. I won’t press the ‘fastforward’ button to see how the ending would be but instead, I will let the seek bar on the player move as fast or as slow as the time ticks.

photo taken by Graphic Details Photography.

But for now, I just need to press the ‘pause’ button and get onto the bed. And sleep.

I chose. This.

2008-04-23T08:23:00.005+08:00

Hari ni aku belajar satu benda yang sangat terkesan bagi aku. Benda simple je. Tapi aku terlalu get emotionally moved.

Tadi ada Pe0ple and Disease seminar kat Leicester General Hospital. GP aku tanya, “How would you respond if your patient gets suddenly at the top of their feelings and starts weeping?”

Change your tone of voice.

Give it a pause. Let the silence calm everything down.

Ask whether he/she wants to continue.

Empathize. Say something like, “I can see it has been tough for you to go through those difficulties,” or “I’m sorry to hear that,”

Tapi aku terfikir lama bila consultant aku cakap macam ni:

But NEVER say “I understand how you feel” because we are not there, we don’t experience what they do so we can never understand.

Macam aku cakap, benda simple je, tapi aku betul-betul terkesan. I think it's because of the close intimacy that I have with my EQ that actually brought me into the deep thoughts.

Lupi pernah buat hospital attachment kat Manchester hospital dulu, masa family aku ada kat sana. Dia kata, dia tengok depan mata dia, macam mana doctor tu nak break a bad news. Patient tu ada brain tumor. Bayangkan, macam mana kita nak bagitau seseorang tu yang dia ada brain tumor? It’s not easy, man!!! Susah sangat. Manusia ni ada Emotional Quotient. Sangat susah nak internalise the feelings.

Tapi all this while, we take the EQ for granted kan? Memang la susah nak meet everyone’s needs tapi.. hmm.. ntahla. Aku tak dapat bayangkan kalau aku dah jadik doctor nanti, nak buat breaking bad news, ntah2 aku join nangis skali kot? Serious. Tapi.. hmm.. doctor must be mentally and emotionally strong la kan. Kalau tak macam mana patient nak be strong.

Apa aku membebel ni? Haha.. Dah la bahasa tunggang terbalik. Takpelah. I don’t expect you to totally understand what I’m talking about but I hope you could at least catch my drift.

Otak aku lagi sikit dah nak explode. Kalau explode, sia-sia je kalau semua isi keluar balik. Jadi, untuk tanak bagi explode, mari kita tido!

What to do. Medicine. I chose this line.

photo taken by abdhakamabdah.

"Dina, ko memang kena sabar n tabah. Ujian yang ko bakal hadapi, memang sangat mencabar. Sangat-sangat mencabar. But don't worry. Allah is with you.."

Fairy oh Fairy

2008-04-22T11:03:00.002+08:00

“mekasih banyak dina. moga allah membalas jasa mu”

Bila fikir-fikir balik, rasa kelakar pulak. Dulu kat maahad, aku tak baik langsung dengan N. Sejak masuk kolej, boleh rapat pulak. Kelakar sangat bila fikir time kat maahad dulu. Betapa aku meluat dan menyampah dengan N ni. Haha.. Zaman ketidakmatangan.

Dan bila fikir-fikir balik, rasa kelakar sangat bila kawan-kawan aku mintak nasihat pasal masalah hubungan dengan manusia ni, if you get what I mean. Secara rambangnya, kalau kita ada masalah/konflik dengan manusia, tak kisah lah masalah dengan gf/bf ke, family ke, kawan ke, kita punya emosi konfem akan get affected. Memang tak boleh nak elakkan. Dan tak tahulah kenapa some of my friends tend untuk borak-borak and share dengan aku pasal masalah diorang. Aku happy je untuk tolong mana yang boleh. And lepas diorang dah lega, aku rasa sangat happy boleh tolong diorang.

Tapi kelakar.. aku sendiri ada masalah emosi yang masih belum settle. Haha.. Lawak la bila fikir pasal aku punya ‘the untold story’ ni. Kelakar sangat!! Rasa macam sangat dalam drama!! Fairy tale! Hish.. tak boleh terima betul.

Eh, perlu ke aku nak bebel pasal ‘fairy tale’ sekarang?

Ok la nak tido. Semoga aku berjaya bangun untuk ke kelas *YAAAWWNNN*

photo taken by ikelah iaitu ayah M0m@d.

It's not a coincidence. Trust Him. It'll be answered, sooner or later.

Idealistic vs Realistic

2008-04-21T05:16:00.009+08:00

Date: 04/12/2008 5:22 am
Subject: AR has sent you a smile.
Message: AR wants to brighten your day with a smile. Check out Newbie's profile and send a reply.
A message from AR: “I'll be flying to Manchester tonight. Let me know how can I contact you. Thanks.”

Date: 04/12/2008 6:17 am
Subject: hey
Message: "u're flying to manchester? how long will u been in uk? nway, since my mobile phone is out of service at the moment and i'm trying to get it fixed and get new num, anything, u can just reach me through friendster. if u don't have the access to internet, just give me ur contact num, and i'll try and contact u when u're here. let me noe the dates ya! i hope this msg doesnt come too late :P"

Date: 04/20/2008 7:02 pm
Subject: Hi
Message: “Hi Deyna, sorry I won't be flying to Manchester this week [kata ‘tonight’?] due to my health condition. I have pneumonia so my schedule is restricted for a while until the doctor certified I'm fit to do long haul. Sorry. When I'm flying there again, I'll let you know. Sorry again.”

Hehehe.. hikhikhik.. kihkihkih..

Aku nak reply: “Thank God you’re not coming or things would be a nightmare! Muahahahahaha <- gelak jahat”

Tapi kejam sangat pulak. Rasa macam jahat sangat aku ni. Dah la tulis dalam blog secara sukarelawan. Ntah-ntah memang dia sakit betul kan? Aku tak mampu la nak balik Malaysia sekarang semata-mata nak lawat dia sebagai seorang sahabat yang sakit. Tapi kalau betul-betulah dia sakit, aku memang akan buat solat hajat setiap malam mintak Allah sembuhkan dia. Tapi betul ke dia sakit?

Oh by the way, AR ni memang pilot pun. Yang tu dia tak tipu aku. Sebab aku tengok dengan mata kepala aku sendiri dia dengan flying team dia kat akademi ape ntah kat Langkawi tu. Tapi yang sakit tu.. Hmm.. Wallahua'lam..

Aku saja ja tanak bagi no fon aku. Karang satgi dia mai sini, bagi no aku tu kat polis kata aku ni kawan yang jahat. Tak pasai-pasai kena dok lokap. Ehhh.. dia penah tau buat macam tu! Call rumah aku pukul 3 pagi. Bapak aku angkat. Yang kelakarnya, aku tak pernah pun bagitau dia no fon rumah aku. Tu la.. memang psycho. Bukan aku. Budak tu. Haha..

Itula orang kata. Masa senang, kawan keliling pinggang. Masa susah, pinggang tinggal keseorangan. Adakah aku ni dikira kawan yang meniggalkan pinggang kawan bila dia sakit pneumonia? Rasa bersalah la pulak. Sekarang pinggang aku pulak tengah cari kawan yang takkan tinggalkan dia bila dia susah. Kesian pinggang aku. Nak tolong, tapi tak mampu. Nasib dia la, ye dok? Sape suruh jadik pinggang. Haha..

Oh, esok kelas dah start balik. Patut la aku gila semacam. Haha.. Rasa rindu pulak kat groupmates aku yang pemalas semuanya tu. Ntah siapa la nak buat dissection Selasa ni. Semua pemalas. Termasuklah aku. Haha..

Sebelum aku jadi lebih gila, baik aku stop.

photo taken by Hugo Provoste.

“The idealists would never survive in the real world, deyna. Perjalanan hidup Rasulullah tidak dihiasi dengan karpet merah, tapi dengan darah yang merah. Itu Rasulullah, yang memang dijanjikan syurga. Kita ni? Kita? KITA? Layak ke bergelar ahli syurga? We are too eager to feed our lusts and desires. And be one of the idealists.”

What has happened to spring?

2008-04-18T06:35:00.006+08:00

“I can’t think of anything! Aku dah tak tahu nak cakap apa!”

“Alaa.. jangan cepat melatah. Cuba fikir lagi..”

“Bukannya kau tak tahu macam mana keadaan aku sekarang ni”

“I wish I could help..”

But alas, you couldn’t. Dah sampai satu tahap, aku dah tak tahu nak pusing arah mana. Aku dah tak tahu mana utara mana selatan. Aku dah tak tahu mana langit mana bumi. Macam mana tu?

“Doa la.. Allah je boleh tolong..”

Memang.

Allah je boleh tolong. Sebab Allah je yang faham keadaan aku sekarang ni. Orang lain takkan faham. Percayalah. Tengok la nanti, mesti ramai yang akan respon dengan entry ni, secara langsung atau tidak. Tapi aku tak mampu nak explain. Sebab diorang takkan faham.

photo taken by Vol-au-Vent.

“Carilah HIKMAH di mana jua. Allah menjagamu. So don’t worry..”

Bokeh spices up your life!

2008-04-16T08:19:00.004+08:00

"Dina, tahu tak ciku (bukan nama sebenar) baru belikan aku lens baru! Nikon 85mm f/1.4D AF Nikkor Lens!!!"

"Serious???? Weh, tak aci!! Nak pinjam!"

"Alamak Dina. Ciku (bukan nama sebenar) kata dia belikan lens tu dengan satu syarat: jangan bagi orang lain pinjam,"

"Hahahahaha.. lawak lawak. Cepat la, aku serious nak testing ni.."

"........ Dina, aku serious ni,"

Aku nak gelak lagi. Tapi.. ntah. Tiba-tiba rasa diperbodohkan. Kalau ye pon nak buat lawak bodoh, takyah la nak perbodohkan orang lain. Eh.. logik ke buat lawak bodoh tanpa memperbodohkan orang lain? Eh, banyak pulak perkataan bodoh. Rasa macam berdosa pulak mulut ni. Eh, mulut pulak. Jari jemari. Eh, banyak pulak perkataan Eh. Eh eh? Haha gilos.

Lain kali kalau TAK BOLEH bagi orang lain pinjam, pandai-pandai la cover 'availability' benda tu. Kurang jelas? Alahai.. susahnye nak ber'bokeh' (baca: berlapik bahasa) ni.

Whatever lah.

photo taken by .:*ghost*:.

p/s: sebenarnya penggunaan objek 'lens' tu hanya analogi semata-mata. Tapi konsep yang aku nak sampaikan sama je. Kenapa aku guna lens sebagai analogi? Saja suka-suka mengisi masa lapang. Sebab tengah nak kumpul duit beli lens baru. Hehe.. Nampak gambar atas ni? Cun gilaaa kan? Bokeh nye amat meliurkan. Jadi.. f1.4, tolonglah jadi kenyataan. Jangan hanya bermain-main dalam mimpiku!

The Untold Story

2008-04-11T06:46:00.006+08:00

Sebagaimana yang korang boleh baca dekat shoutbox aku kat sidebar tu, Dat berkata, “wah. mnrk kisah2 idop awk eh? berusahe dina!”.

Dan sebagaimana yang korang boleh baca dekat shoutbox aku kat sidebar tu, aku pula berkata, “ada lagi satu kisah yg paling menarik tp belum ade ending. haha.. jengjengjeng *muka encik kuning pakai spek hitam*”.

Aku punya satu kisah ni memang macam dalam drama tapi tak pernah ditayangkan dalam televisyen. Seriously.. kalau la aku jadi seorang penulis professional, aku akan tulis kisah hidup aku jadi novel. Dan kalau la aku jadi seorang pengarah movie professional, aku akan buat drama bersiri sebab movie 2-3 jam tak cukup. Mana tahu boleh masuk Hollywood dan kalahkan Gossip Girl atau OTH atau yang seangkatan dengannya! Hah hah.. Cuma kelebihan novel atau drama bersiri yang aku hasilkan ni ada tagline ‘based on a true story’. Huhu..

Malangnya, aku bukan penulis dan pengarah movie professional. Aku hanyalah medic student yang masih belum study musculo, membranes and receptors dan mechanism of disease. Cardio pun masih merangkak-rangkak. Aku tahu. Sangat menyedihkan. Lalalalala~

Aku cakap dekat S@r@h semalam, “Dah tak mampu nak cerita/update kat orang pasal kisah ni. Tuhan je yang tahu..” sebab orang [those whom I tell the story to] dah muak dan mual dan tak heran dengan kisah tu sebab bosan tak habis-habis. Pernah tengok telenovela sepanyol Maria Mercedes sepuluh lebih tahun yang dulu? Yang ada episode beratus-ratus tu? Haaa macam tu la. Dan aku dah tak mampu nak komen apa-apa pasal kisah aku ni. Aku masih menunggu the ending. We’ll wait and see.

Semalam aku dah masuk umur yang ke-21. No comment on being a 21-year-old gal. But I do have a comment on celebration we had. Hehe.. Thanx to everyone for the wish and particularly to my beloved Leicesterian first year friends and S@r@h yang datang jauh-jauh [jauh ke? Huhu..] from Warwick for the surprises and celebration. Best la. Memang unexpected betul!!! Hehe.. Makan pizza dominos yang sedap sampai kenyang. Alhamdulillah, saya gembira :)

Jadi, oleh kerana aku bukanlah seorang penulis dan pengarah professional tapi seorang medic student yang pemalas tahap gaban, aku akan menghilangkan diri for these remaining holidays. Bak kata m@i, nak berkampung kat library. Bawak sleeping bag dan beg tarik sekali. Huhu.. Lame. Biasa la, m@i memang begitu. Hehehehehe.. Sorry m@i :P

Ok lah.. tak larat nak merepek. Tatatititutu!~ Salam..

photo taken by khairil idham ismail.

The snow..
Will one day melt..
And will be gone..
The traceable footsteps in it..
Will disappear..
And leave nothing behind..
And so will my story..
It will end..
But it will leave me..
A remembrance to be kept..
In a music-box of memories..

the broken bond II

2008-04-08T12:29:00.003+08:00

Percaya tak kalau aku kata masa kat maahad dulu, masa aku form 1, kawan-kawan baik aku sume senior-senior form 5 especially classmate H. Batchmate aku brape ketol je aku kenal. Tapi tu semua dulu-dulu. 8 tahun yang dulu.

Kak @relyn. Kak d3ll. @f@r. fer0z. f@ri$ [<--ni classmate H jugak. Sekarang dia dah nak kawen dengan kawan aku kat maahad gak. Aku yg jadik org tengah dulu. Haha..Comel x? Kuikui..]. Ac0l. Kak m@rini. Kak fifi. Dan ramai lagi. Dan ada sorang ni yang selalu marah aku tak tentu pasal pastu baik balik. Yang selalu belanja aku McD. Yang selalu borak-borak dengan mak aku dalam fon. Yang selalu dengki aku sampai aku marah sangat sampai aku tido. Yang selalu balas kad raya aku guna kad raya yang aku bagi dia. Yang call aku pukul 2 pagi nak tanya hadiah apa nak bagi awek dia. Dan juga.. yang menjadi reason H marah dan benci aku sampai sekarang. Haha..

tepung[gandum]. Tu nickname dia kat chatroom dulu. Manusia yang aku pernah sangat benci. Tapi 'ex-bestfriend' aku yang sangat sporting and sangat cool. Yes, he used to be my super bestfriend. Sebelum aku kenal @thirah, izy, tik@h, s@r@h dan lain-lain. Dulu. 8 tahun yang dulu.

Hari ni, lepas 8 tahun berlalu, aku dapat tahu dia dah bertunang. Dengan awek dia tu. Aku sangat-sangat gembira. Tapi aku sedih. Sebab kitorg dah tak rapat macam dulu. Dia pernah sakitkan hati aku yang amat melampau sampai aku nangis-nangis ngadu kat Dad suruh telefon bapak dia. Haha.. Aku memang sangat benci dia dulu, sebelum dia jadik bestfriend aku. Sejak daripada tu, aku belajar satu benda. Jangan benci orang tu melampau-lampau sebab boleh jadik dia orang yang paling kita sayang satu hari nanti. Jangan sayang seseorang tu melampau-lampau sebab boleh jadik dia orang yang paling kita benci satu hari nanti. Dan memang betul, lepas 8 tahun, aku masih tak dapat lupakan tepung gandum yang pernah aku benci satu ketika dahulu.

photo taken by hud10_2000.

Suatu hari, Imam Al-Ghazali berkumpul dengan murid-muridnya lalu beliau bertanya (Teka Teki ) :

Imam Ghazali = "Apa yang paling jauh dari kita di dunia ini ?"
Murid 1 = "Negeri Cina"
Murid 2 = "Bulan"
Murid 3 = "Matahari"
Murid 4 = "Bintang-bintang"
Iman Ghazali = "Semua jawaban itu benar. Tetapi yang paling benar adalah MASA LALU. Bagaimanapun kita, apapun kenderaan kita, tetap kita tidak akan dapat kembali ke masa yang lalu. Oleh sebab itu kita harus menjaga hari ini, hari esok dan hari-hari yang akan datang dengan perbuatan yang sesuai dengan ajaran Agama".

Related article: the broken bond.

p/s: Congrats @li++.. Semoga berbahgia bersama f@!ry hingga ke akhir ayat :)

Revive and Survive

2008-04-05T11:28:00.004+08:00

T: Dina, knpla awk xde dekat????
T: itula 1 1 nya bnda yg kita slalu question lately
T: ms kita rasa berat sgt dgn problem tu
T: knpla dina xde kat sini
T: sbb awk d only 1 yg tau nk tackle kita
T: i jz need u
T: but susah
T: tp xpe....sbb 2 kita jd stronger

Aku ternampak kat status ym siapa ntah.. ‘The happiest moment in your life is when you are with your beloved ones..’.

Kan? Ya Allah.. Tuhan je tahu betapa aku rindu T. Masa T hantar aku kat airport, that was the only time yang aku nangis depan dia. Sebab sedih nak tinggalkan family la of course. And sebab nak tinggalkan dia. Sedih. Sangat sedih. Aku memang doa sangat spy Allah kuatkan hati T. Tabahkan hati dia. Sebab aku tau dia mmg seorang yg kuat semangat. It has been almost 7 months since I left Malaysia. And she has been strong ever since. I'm disappointed with myself for not being able to be there when she needs me but I know she will survive even for many years to come because she’s the strongest person I’ve ever known.

It seems that I’ve been quite attached to this blog within these few weeks. And I think I need to give it a break. I think I need to really, I mean REALLY focus on my commitments now. Like I’ve mentioned in previous posts, things have changed. Everything is not going to be the same anymore. I have future to think about. I have uncertainties waiting ahead. I have endless things to get done and over with. I have a wishlist to be materialised. And I have a WORLD to face.

Now, I will leave everything to my sanity. I hope it would be able to handle everything at its best and sensible interest. Sesiapa rindu aku, bleh contact secara peribadi ye :P

photo taken by MaD Gi®L•™.

I've been drowned,
In De Nile
For too long
Now it's time for me
To trace
My own whereabouts
Now it's time for me
To find
The revival that I have lost my grip on
And breathe life into
This incessant endurance..

Pencari Perhatian

2008-04-04T06:45:00.006+08:00

“Deyna, for my birthday I got myself a car and...pneumonia. So what do you want for your birthday?”

Tiba-tiba je AR message aku tadi. TIBA-TIBA. “Ni pehal pulak budak nih,” hati terdetik.

Soalan kuiz hari ini:
Agak-agaknye la kan, korang rasa AR expect aku reply macam mana?

Pilihan jawapan:
A. ‘For my birthday, I want you to pay for my accommodation fees for Opal Court for the next 4 years [this is included in my birthday present list for the next 4 years, of course], if it’s too expensive, then buy me a house sebelah medical school. If there’s no house available, build one for me. And then, I also want a full UK license [and a car plus insurance. You pay..], a return flight ticket to Malaysia. Cukup la tu. Banyak sangat tak mampu pulak..’

OR

B. 'Haaa?? U got pneumonia? Have you gone to the doc? What did the doc say? How are you now? Bla bla bla? Yada yada yada?'

OR

C. 'I want a car too. But I don't want pneumonia.'

Haritu, MN pulak chat ngan aku..

MN: deyna
MN: I dpt head trauma
MN: suspected haemorrhage
MN: in 36 hrs
MN: I might have serious trauma
MN: and I might be dead by then

Diorang ni nak mencabar medical knowledge aku ke? Tau la aku ambik medic. Tapi aku first year lagi. Takkan diorang expect aku tahu semua benda. Pelik betul manusia zaman sekarang ni.

Aku kenal diorang dah lama. Tak mampu nak husnudzon lagi. Dapat tawaran kerja dengan President of France la [AR pandai cakap French. Dulu pernah duk France 5 tahun kot]. Dapat tawaran kerja dengan Tan Sri Syed M0khtar Bukh@ri la. Dapat tempat kedua dalam Le Tour de Langkawi la. Macam-macam. Cuba cakap macam mana nak husnudzon lagi?

Untuk pengetahuan korang, ini la namanya ‘attention seeker’. Dan aku dah tak larat nak mengalirkan ‘attention’ aku untuk orang-orang macam ni. Buang karan. Aku nak jadik buaya-buaya yang buat bodoh tu je. Dan dengan penuh kejujuran aku katakan, untuk soalan kuiz kat atas tu, aku akan bagi jawapan ‘A’. Takpun 'C'. Sungguh!

Aku dah tak larat nak kesian dengan orang-orang macam ni. Apa-apahal pun, kalau betul la diorang sakit tu, aku doakan diorang cepat sembuh.

Thursdayitis

2008-04-03T11:02:00.008+08:00

Optimist : Sees the doughnut, not the hole.
Pessimist : Sees the hole, not the doughnut.
Realist : Sees both the doughnut and the hole.
Diplomat : Talks through the hole.
Dreamer : Only cares for the icing on the doughnut.
English Teacher : Checks the spelling of "doughnut."
Baker : His job is to make the doughnut...

Tu apa yang M bagitau aku tadi. Bayangkan begitu besar impak sebiji donut kepada pelbagai jenis manusia atas muka bumi ni. Tu baru donut. Belum benda lain lagi. Benda ni memang dah jadi norma kehidupan. Cuma yang jadikan benda ni masalah dunia ialah, the optimist wants to see the hole whereas he could only see the doughnut. The pessimist could only see the hole but blames the optimist for being able to see the doughnut.

Tak faham?

Takpela. Abaikan je.

Biological clock aku dah sewel sekarang ni. Lepas maghrib tadi aku tersungkur atas sejadah. Bajet nak nampak tawadhuk la sikit duk sujud atas sejadah lama-lama. Tapi sujud ape kebendanya. Tidur terus. Tup tup tiba-tiba terjaga dari alam maya. Tengok-tengok jam dah pukul 1.30pagi. Terus solat isyak. Lepas solat isyak terus panjat katil nak tidur. Lepas 15 minit aku tutup lampu, mata masih terkebil-kebil. Tak boleh tidur pulak. Nak bajet nampak rajin pulak, bukak la lampu balik. Pastu bukak fail Cardiovascular. Niat dah suci dah nak belajar. Kepala otak pulak dah block. Satu hape tak masuk. Aisehmen betul.

Sekarang dah pukul 3.19pagi. Subuh pukul 4.27pagi. Kat luar burung dah nyanyi-nyanyi dah. Tapi mata dah tertutup separuh. Apa patut aku buat ni?

Aku dah explain kat JS hujah-hujah aku. Dia tak reply apa-apa pun. Tanak kawan sudah. Aku malas nak layan orang yang ngada-ngada ni. Aku banyak komitmen lain.

A: Dina, teach me how to let things go.
A: I need to move on
A: but my past is holding me back

Kalau la A tahu yang aku sendiri ada masalah tu, mesti dia takkan tanya. Tapi, aku kesian jugak kat A. Aku kesian sebab aku tahu perasaan tu macam mana. Kesian. Kalau la aku boleh tolong..

“Kuning. Putih. Magenta. Dan hibrid magenta dan kuning. Satu-satu. Atas batu kelikir putih. Antara nisan dua batang. Yang senget dan bergoyang. Selamat hari jadi, sayang.”

Aku dah habiskan journal feveret aku. Aku rasa banyak sangat benda yang aku belajar. Aku harap Dr. M dah jadik O&G specialist sekarang. Aku harap Arwah baby Adam dapat adik baru.

Dan aku harap aku dapat focus on aku punya komitmen sekarang. Lepas ni aku nak berkhemah kat library. Tak boleh duk dalam bilik. Tak study.

Sekarang dah 4.04pagi. Aku nak tunggu subuh. Dan tidur.

photo taken by Earlette.

Flowers die. Stories end. Songs fade. Memories are forgotten. All things come to an end but precious people like you are treasured forever. -- kata-kata dusta drpd H.

p/s: dengar lagu background blog ni? Ni salah satu music yang digunapakai masa E$Q. Best :) aku dedicate lagu ni untuk A :)

Counting The Days

2008-04-02T04:43:00.007+08:00

‘Counting the days..’

Aku nampak shoutout tu kat page Y. Mula-mula tu tak tahu nak rasa apa. Tiba-tiba rasa excited sangat-sangat. Lepastu tiba-tiba aku tak tahu nak rasa apa. Aku nak H bagitau aku sendiri. Aku nak dia bagitau aku. Kalau dia tak bagitau, aku akan merajuk. Tapi.. dia tak heran pun kalau aku merajuk. Jadi, kalau dia tak bagitau aku jugak.. hmm.. aku sedih kot?

Sekarang tahun 2008. Kalau aku kata 2016 tu 8 tahun lagi, agak-agaknya rasa lama tak? Agak-agaknya 8 tahun tu lama tak? Hmm.. Rasa macam lama je kan? Tapi sebenarnya, dah 8 tahun benda tu berlaku. Kejap je rasa. Apa yang BEST ialah, dalam masa 8 tahun, macam-macam benda berlaku walaupun tak semua benda yang dah berlaku ni best. Dan apa yang LAGI BEST ialah, dalam masa 8 tahun, banyak benda dah berubah walaupun perubahan-perubahan ni tak semuanya lagi best daripada benda-benda dah berlaku. Pening?

Dalam masa 8 tahun..

Aku sambung belajar kat Langkawi.
Kakak-kakak aku dan seorang abang aku dah kahwin.
Aku sambung belajar kat LBeringin.
Aku dapat 5 orang anak saudara.
Aku beli D70s dan mula tembak-menembak.
Aku pegi E$Q Training.
Aku belajar perubatan kat UK.

Alhamdulillah. Banyak nye anugerah yang Allah bagi kat aku. Aku nak sangat share dengan H aka K aka W tapi.. dalam masa 8 tahun, banyak benda berlaku. Banyak benda dah berubah. Things have changed. H has changed. I have changed.

Aku ingat lagi dulu K kata kat aku yang dia tanak sambung belajar dalam bidang perubatan. Dia sangat benci biologi. Dia sangat benci doktor. Tapi mak ayah dia suruh jugak. Mak ayah dia sanggup tanggung dia belajar medic. Jadi dia terpaksa la buat jugak. Tak sangka dia sangat tabah dan gigih, sekarang dah pun jadik doktor. “Kalau W boleh, takkan ko tak boleh..” kata aku dekat Nad [sebab dia nak jadik doktor jugak tapi dia tak confident]. Nad gelak. “Kalau H boleh, takkan ko tak boleh..” kata aku kat diri sendiri. Aku pun gelak jugak. Ha-ha-ha..

‘Counting the days..’

Aku pun tiru Y tulis macam tu kat status ym aku. Tapi makna di sebalik frasa ni tak sama. Maksud aku di sebalik frasa tu lain daripada maksud frasa yang Y tulis. Perbezaannya ialah tempoh hari yang dikira. Y mungkin kira 90 hari. Atau 150 hari. Atau beberapa hari je. Tapi aku.. aku kira bilangan hari yang tak terkira. INFINITY.

Aku baru balik dari Dublin. Ada simposium untuk pelajar-pelajar perubatan. Ramai la doktor-doktor yang datang. Semuanya dah consultant. Masing-masing nak kongsi pengalaman dan ilmu. Aku memang salute toing-toing dengan semua doktor-doktor tu. Mana taknya…

2 – 4 tahun internship.
3 – 5 tahun buat specialisation.
3 – 5 tahun buat sub-specialisation sampai jadik consultant.

Di samping puluhan tahun tu, ada banyak lagi peperiksaan-peperiksaan yang perlu diduduki. Doktor-doktor tu dah melalui semua tahun tu. Kalau nak kira dari saat aku taip ni, aku ada lebih kurang 4 tahun 6 bulan lagi sebelum layak bergelar doktor. Jadi murid-murid, berapa tahun semuanya untuk menjadi seorang consultant? Ya betul. Paaaannnndaaaaiiiii.

Segala benda yang doktor-doktor tu cakap memang betul. Daripada aunty aku, smpai ke kakak aku, sampai ke kakak ipar, semua tahap ‘pendoktoran’ bagi mesej yang tersendiri. Susah. Memang susah. Nak buat medic memang susah. Tapi siapa yang sanggup berkorban je boleh lalui semua tu.

“baik dina kerja sana, at least for housemanship. Balik join university jadik lecturer, tak payah kerja dengan KKM” kata akak ipar aku. Aku ada 4 tahun lebih sebelum boleh cakap banyak nak stay for housemanship atau balik Malaysia for good.

Prep@ring F0r The Future T0d@y.
To serve in Malaysia: Of Responsibilities, Contentment & Challenges.
How can you benefit from overseas training?
Doctors Beyond Borders.

Ini adalah antara tajuk-tajuk ceramah yang dibentangkan. Memang best la. Aku takkan bahaskan dengan lebih lanjut sebab aku tak ambik nota. Aku download info-info tu dan terus save dalam otak. Tapi nak ‘unsave’ balik dah lupa. Ha ha.. Tajuk yang paling best ialah DBB yang dibentangkan oleh Dr. Z. Banyak sangat pengajaran yang aku dapat.

Pertamanya, Dr. Z ni memang contoh seorang doktor yang sangat humble dan down-to-earth. Mana-mana dia pergi, dia mesti ambik semua benda yang berlaku sebagai pengajaran. Menunjukkan yang walaupun dia dah jadi consultant, dia tetap ada keinginan untuk belajar walaupun daripada seorang pesakit yang cacat. Keduanya, Dr. Z memang sangat tabah dan cekal dalam memperjuangkan tanggungjawab beliau sebagai seorang doktor. Niat dia satu: Nak membantu, memberi, menyumbang, berkorban sebanyak mungkin kepada masyarakat sekeliling kerana Allah Taala.

Cuma... bila Dr. Z kata, “As a student, you don’t have to busy yourself to think about who’s going to be the next president of USA. You don’t have to pening kepala thinking about who’s going to be the next MB of Terengganu. As a general knowledge, yes, you should know but you don’t have to get intensely involved in those issues. Just think about your future, about your responsibilities as a doctor,” aku terus berkerut dahi.

Kat sini, aku ada hujah aku tersendiri. Aku taknak cakap apa yang Dr. Z cakap tu salah atau betul. Cuma aku tersedar yang each and every one of us has our own perjuangan not just, in this case, as a doctor but also as a person, as a Muslim. What struck my mind was, I as a medical student, aku belajar dengan penuh selesa di UK dengan allowance beribu-ribu ringgit Malaysia dalam bank, suatu hari nanti insyaAllah akan jadik seorang doktor. Aku mungkin akan sibuk dengan peperiksaan, essay dan assignment, interview, peperiksaan lagi bla bla bla untuk jadi seorang consultant pulak.

Tapi tiba-tiba aku teringat dekat golongan remaja yang sama baya dengan aku sekarang tengah berjuang bermati-matian untuk tanah air Palestin. I might go a little bit extreme tapi itu lah apa yang aku terfikir. Sama ke perjuangan Islam yang diorang perjuangkan dengan perjuangan Islam yang aku perjuangkan?

Don’t get me wrong. Boleh je jadik doktor muslimah yang perjuangkan Islam. Macam apa yang Dr. L cakap, our ultimate goal is Jannah. Syurga Allah. Tapi cukup ke kita jadi doktor muslim/ah sebagai tiket untuk ke syurga Allah? Sejauh mana perjuangan kita? Patut ke aku pening kepala fikir pasal issue di Palestin? Patut ke aku pening kepala fikir pasal siapa president USA lepas ni? Patut ke aku pening kepala siapa yang akan jadi MB Terengganu lepas ni [yang ni dah tak pening sebab dah tahu siapa. Hehe..]? Patut ke aku pening kepala siapa yang nak perjuangkan Islam bermati-matian lepas ni?

Korang faham ke apa yang aku nak bawak ni? Jangan salah faham pulak. Aku masih nak jadik doktor yang perjuangkan Islam cuma aku tak pasti samada perjuangan aku tu setimpal atau sama taraf dengan pejuang-pejuang yang lain. Tu je.

‘Counting the days..’

Lepas 8 tahun berlalu, aku rasa perjuangan aku dengan perjuangan H tak sama. Aku rasa Allah ada sebab yang tersendiri atas apa yang berlaku. Y sekarang di orthopaedics department. Dia kata kerja sebagai seorang intern sangat sibuk. SANGAT SIBUK. H pun kata dia sibuk sekarang. Aku pun sibuk sekarang dah nak mula study untuk exam bulan 6 nanti. Semua orang sibuk.

Habistu, siapa nak perjuangkan Islam? Siapa nak pening-pening kepala macam mana nak counteract FITNA?

photo taken by YazeedHairi.

"Dan berjihadlah kamu di jalan Allah dengan jihad yang sebenar-benarnya. Dia telah memilih kamu dan Dia tidak menjadikan kesukaran untukmu dalam agama." [22:78]

p/s: Related articles: When it comes to the surface, Back on reading journals.

Senyum Kambing Berita Harian

2008-03-27T05:25:00.001+08:00

A: Dina, M tu boyfriend ko ke?
A: dia msg aku kt F
deyna rashid: oo
deyna rashid: dia ckp apa?
A: tanye aku buat apa kat sini je
deyna rashid: oo ok
deyna rashid: tak2.. dia kwn aku je kat kolej dulu
deyna rashid: awek die kat tmpat lain
A: ooo
A: ala boleh je berawek dua
deyna rashid: kalau dia nak.. x tau la.. tp aku tanak
A: gile la dina!
A: wacaya samalu!
deyna rashid: laa.. awat gila?
deyna rashid: ko baru kenal dia
deyna rashid: aku dah kenal dia lama
deyna rashid: kalau aku jadi gf dia tu baru maknanya aku gila

Jadi, apa yang patut aku buat selain gelak sekuat hati? Gelak sampai muntah? Gelak sampai pecah perut? Tapi orang kata tak elok gelak-gelak ni. Rasulullah pun tak pernah gelak kuat-kuat. Orang kata kalau gelak banyak sangat nanti ilmu keluar. Ada jugak dengar kalau gelak banyak-banyak tu tanda orang tak ingat api neraka. Wallahua’lam. Tapi aku memang jenis yang suka gelak. Pulak tu dengar lawak macam ni. Haih.. dunia zaman sekarang, macam-macam fitnah yang berlaku.

Jangan lupa istighfar banyak-banyak lepas gelak-gelak tu. Mana la tau kot2 ilmu terkeluar tu boleh masuk balik.

A Heartbreaker, am I?

2008-03-26T08:29:00.003+08:00

JS: I’m not angry deyna
JS: I’m just upset n disappointed, I really do
JS: You were always there with me all the time back then
JS: but out of a sudden u went away
JS: if this is the price that I have to pay
JS: I eat it up n spit it out
JS: I'll take ur blame for whatever cause, and if u prefer me to pay for what I hv done to u, I am willing to pay.
JS: here's the situation: when somebody you call a sis, given that you dont have any female siblings, whom you treat and admire and support and love n be nice to, whom you try your very best to make her happy and comfortable, leaves u without a word spoken nor a trail to follow without a reason nor possible hate and anger that grow, what do you feel?
JS: until u get what I feel, deyna, I think u have to think about it
JS: first tear after 2 months. thanx sis.
JS: u take care. get back to me when ur ready
JS: nite. slm. bye.

Ada orang merajuk dan membuat aku rasa sangat bersalah. Macam mana ni? Benda sekecil zarah pun boleh jadi masalah sebesar cakerawala. Susah betul.

Dulu masa waktu aku gaduh-gaduh dengan H, dia kata dia tak marah tapi dia kecewa sebab aku tak bagitau dia satu benda penting. Aku kata kat H yang aku buat semua benda tu untuk kepentingan dua-dua belah pihak. “What do you mean for the common good? Maybe it’s just for your own sake but please don’t say you did that for my benefit”.

Kadang-kadang kita tak boleh nak harapkan orang lain faham dengan semua tindakan kita. Walau sejauh mana keikhlasan kita, kalau diorang tak faham jugak, kita tak boleh nak salahkan diorang. Mungkin kita dan mereka tiada persefahaman atau wavelength yang sama. Tapi normal la kan. Masing-masing ada pendirian tersendiri.

“Get back to me when you’re ready” kata JS. Aku tak faham sangat. Sebab aku tak rasa aku tak bersedia. Aku dah bersedia lama dah. Cuma dia je yang tidak bersedia untuk menerima hujah-hujah aku. Habistu, salah aku ke?

photo taken by MaD Gi®L•™.

I’m so sorry, JS. I did that just because I don’t want to get into falling-outs. Because I know, you would never understand. I'm sorry.

Thanx for the Snow Globe :)

2008-03-25T12:48:00.004+08:00

Oleh kerana manusia zaman sekarang gemar membuat generalisation yang tidak adil, maka, aku telah mengedit previous entry dengan sebetulnya. Malas nak bebel dengan lebih lanjut.

Korang tahu ke mana aku pergi sehari dua hari tiga hari ni? Tak payah la tahu. Soklan tak masuk exam. Tapi, satu benda korang kena tahu, aku senyum sokmo selama sehari dua hari tiga hari ni macam ni -> :) :) :) :) :) :) dan beribu berjuta banyak senyuman sebenarnya. Aku sangat gembira. Apa yang lebih membahagiakan, sedang kami keluar berjalan-jalan beli barang, di bawah mentari yang menyinar, dengan angin bulan mac yang mendinginkan, buat pertama kali dalam hidup, butiran-butiran salji menyambut kegembiraan kami bersama. Di saat itu, aku teringatkan lagu Crisye – Damai bersamaMu.

“Aku tersenyum di bawah mentari.. Di antara megahnya alam ini.. Menikmati indahnya saljiMu.. Ku rasakan damainya hatiku.. Ku rasakan tenteramnya hatiku..” dengan sedikit perubahan lirik yang sesuai. Betapa Tuhan saja yang mengetahui kebahagiaan di hati.

Tapi.. apa yang tidak menggembirakan ialah, aku tak dapat nak kongsi dengan lebih lanjut kisah honeymoon kami kerana.. Sebab.. Kerana.. Blog yang korang baca sekarang telah dijajah oleh beberapa orang-orang yang tidak sepatutnya seperti CIA, FBI dan lain-lain. Selama ni memang aku sedar akan penjajahan yang berlaku tapi aku buat dek je sebab malas nak be too fussy about it.

Tapi nampaknya senior dan junior di kolej, senior dan junior di sekolah menengah, senior-senior di Leicester, junior di sekolah rendah, kawan dari segala pelusuk dunia telah mula berani menjejakkan kaki di bumi blog ini. Ewah.. macam la apa sangat. Haha.. Tapi, apabila aku mendapat tahu agen-agen tersebut dari CIA dan FBI mulakan operasi mereka, maka, aku sudah tidak rasa ada privacy di sini lagi yang aku dah jaga sejak dari zaman JWW Birch lagi. Betapa aku telah berusaha meletakkan simbol-simbol di nama-nama yang aku selitkan di sini namun berjaya juga dijejaki oleh agen-agen atau lebih dikenali sebagai silent readers tersebut.

Tapi apakan daya, inilah yang dikatakan dengan alam maya tanpa sempadan. Aku tidak menyalahkan mana-mana pihak termasuklah pihak CIA dan FBI sendiri yang menceroboh itu. Sebab mereka memang diberikan lesen dan permit percuma untuk mencerobohi blog ini. Cuma aku perlu mengambil langkah berjaga-jaga supaya aku tidak di’blacklist’kan oleh agen-agen antarabangsa ini. Dan aku juga tanak mengaku salah sebab aku tak salah pun sebenarnya. Haha.. Fine, ada orang tak puas hati. Ya, aku mengaku, salah aku jugak! Aku mengaku salah sebab boleh je sebenarnya kalau aku nak 'on' kan security mode blog ni tapi tu la, aku malas nak kecoh-kecoh ni sebenarnya. Tapi malas-malas pun, nak kecoh-kecoh jugak kan?

Aku teringat dulu seorang guru pernah berkata, “Blogger-blogger di internet tu kebanyakannya hanya cakap benda merepek-merepek sahaja. Kita ni pulak yang dok buang masa pergi baca. Blogger-blogger pun sama, cuba la gunakan blog tu sebaik mungkin, masukkan elemen-elemen yang bermanfaat sikit,” dan aku adalah antara orang-orang yang tengah sibuk mencari air kerana termakan cili yang amat pedas dan memijarkan.

Jadi, apa yang anda tunggukan lagi? Silalah tekan Alt+f4 atau klik kotak kecil berlambang ‘x’ di atas bucu kanan window ini. Jika anda menghadapi sebarang kesulitan, boleh la kontak saya secara peribadi. Tidak perlulah korang semua membuang masa membaca benda-benda yang tidak sepatutnya korang baca ini. Aku mungkin akan berhenti menulis sekarang, esok, lusa, tahun depan atau sepuluh tahun akan datang. Regardless of when I’ll be stopping to blogging, bukanlah menjadi masalah peribadi korang semua. InsyaAllah aku takkan melibatkan korang dalam permasalahan peribadi aku, ok? Deal?

photo taken by Tri$h McC0y.

We walked..
We talked..
We laughed..
When the sun smiled..
When the wind sang our favourite song..
When the glitters fell onto our palms..
You were there..
Right beside me..
I wish the moment might become a snow globe..
That will keep our priceless time alive..
Forever and ever..

p/s: Anda masih meng'scroll down' page ini?

Don't Ask. Let HIM Alone Knows.

2008-03-21T05:03:00.007+08:00

Sekarang aku ada infatuasi baru. Jangan korang tanya apa, sebab aku takkan jawab. Biarlah rahsia. Biar Tuhan sahaja yang tahu.

Hari ni kerja aku adalah membuang masa. Sudah lebih sebulan aku tidak menekan ‘shutter’ kamera aku. Rindu. Tapi takde masa. Atau alasan yang lebih tepat adalah sebab takde ‘view’ yang menarik kecuali view daripada bilik aku ni. Cita-cita aku untuk meluangkan masa dengan kamera aku di Prague hancur lebur hancur berkecai dan hancur luhur bila aku membuat keputusan untuk tidak pergi ke Prague atas alasan yang tidak dapat aku elakkan. Mungkin bukan rezeki aku agaknya.

Sejak kebelakangan ni, ntah mengapa kepala ni suka sangat nak berjenaka dengan aku. Kejap pening, kejap ok. Selagi aku boleh tahan, aku akan tahan. Tapi kalau dah tak tahan, aku pun akan menelan dua biji panadol yang aku ambil drpd @zhreen. Sekarang panadol tu dah nak habis. Macam mana?

“Saya risau kalau-kalau anak puan ada migraine. Atau ketumbuhan di kepala,” pernah sekali sorang doktor tu cakap macam tu kat mak aku. Masa tu umur aku 18 tahun. Mak aku punya la risau. Terus suruh kakak aku buat segala test yang patut. Alhamdulillah, tak ada la pulak benda-benda yang tidak diingini. Tapi aku terfikir, kalau ada pun, tu semua sudah takdir Tuhan, betul tak? Mungkin ada dikalangan kita yang masih belum bersedia dengan berita sedemikian. Mungkin ada dikalangan kita tak dapat nak terima berita sedemikian. Tapi, siapa kita nak bersikap memilih dengan apa yang Allah dah tetapkan?

"Dear Rushdina
I am sorry to be so slow in replying. Will you be around the Medical School in the week beginning 7th April for an individual meeting before the group meeting on 22nd April?"

Akhirnya, reply jugak aku punya tutor. Dah lapan tahun aku tunggu, baru sekarang nak reply. Tapi takpe, aku nak mengadu habis-habisan kat aku punya tutor.

“Saya rasa, saya tidak bersedia untuk meneruskan bidang perubatan ni.”

“Saya tanak jadik secretary Malaysian Society tapi saya kena jadik jugak. Kawan-kawan saya saja nak dengki saya,”

“Saya rindukan John. Kalau dia teruskan perjuangan dia, saya yakin dia akan dapat excellent.”

“Saya rasa UK ni bukanlah tempat yang sesuai untuk saya. Sebab saya tak rasa saya mampu berjauhan dengan keluarga saya untuk 4.5 tahun lagi,” Kalau tutor aku reply, “Kalau macam tu, berkeluargalah sekarang dan ajak suami cik ke sini,” macam mana?

“Kalaulah saya ada pilihan, saya tanak buat dissertation ribu-ribu melon perkataan tu. Dan saya juga tanak hantar reflective essay tu. Saya cuma nak belajar dan pass exam saja. Boleh ke?”

“Saya suka semua lecturer-lecturer di medical school ni. Tapi, tak semua demonstrator saya suka. Boleh ke saya nak pilih demonstrator ikut suka hati saya?”

“Saya rasa module CVS dan module musculo tu banyak sangat nak dihafal. Saya tak suka menghafal. Boleh ke kalau saya pilih untuk tidak menghafal tapi masih mampu berjaya dengan cemerlangnya dalam peperiksaan?”

Kalau tutor aku kata, “Macam ni jela cik, saya rasa cik ni banyak songeh sangat. Jadi, untuk memenuhi permintaan cik, cik boleh lah pack barang-barang cik dan pulanglah ke Malaysia segera,”.

Dan aku pun akan jadi orang yang paling gembira dalam dunia.

Itulah manusia. Tidak pernah bersyukur dengan apa yang dia ada, kan? Betul tak? Sangat betul. Aku tau aku betul.

Aku check di Google tadi. 5.5 jam. Aku akan berada di atas kenderaan itu selama 5.5 jam. Mungkin lebih. Korang jangan tanya aku hendak ke mana sebab aku takkan bagitau. Aku nak melarikan diri. Aku nak pergi ke bulan. Aku nak tangkap gambar banyak-banyak. Aku nak spend masa aku dengan si dia. Jangan korang tanya siapa sebab aku takkan bagitau siapa. Biarlah rahsia. Biar Tuhan saja yang tahu.

Gambar yang aku tangkap ni aku hadiahkan untuk si dia.

Seasons may change..
Winter to Spring..
Come What May..

Hari Lahir Si Dia

2008-03-21T00:20:00.014+08:00

Ketika aku berskype dengan N@zme dan Eff@. "Me, pose untuk Mak Na, me" pinta aku. Dan bermulalah sesi posing memosing. Kau nampak kanak-kanak dua orang itu? Ya, itulah namanya comel tahap kritikal. Oh.. Aku sangat merindui mereka!! SANGAT RINDU!

Haritu, N@d cerita kat aku, maid AI yang baru tu tak geti buat kerja sangat. Dia gosok baju batik Abang N, baju tu rosak. Abang N pun bengang la kan. So, maid tu pun kena la marah. Dan oleh kerana terlalu mengikut perasaan, terkeluarla perkataan ‘bodoh’ dari mulut Abang N. Si kecil N@zme yang sedang tengok cerita Barney and Friends, tiba-tiba bersuara, “Baba, tak baik cakap bodoh la.” Jadi, apakah pengajaran kita, adik-adik? Ya, betul. Jangan cakap perkataan tak elok depan anak-anak.

Hari ni hari jadi N@zme ke-4. Ya, dia baru sahaja berumur 4 tahun tapi dia sangat bijak. Hobi dia adalah menonton cerita Barney and Friends di Astro dan juga membaca. Can you believe that? Orang besar yang fasih membaca pun tak ada hobi membaca. Kalau datang rumah Tok Mum, dia akan suruh Tok Mum bacakan buku. Cikgu dia di tadika tanya AI, “N@zme ni lahir di luar negara ka? Pandai dia cakap omputeh.” Siapa yang ajar dia cakap omputeh? Mama ka? Baba ka? Tok Mum ka? Tok Dad ka? Ada la ajaq sikit-sikit. Habistu siapa yang ajaq banyak-banyak? Tentulah Barney and Friends, Bob the Builder, Higglytown Heroes dan semua angkatan-angkatan mereka. Dengan slanga american nya. Haha.. Jadi, apakah pengajaran kita, adik-adik? Ya, betul. Kawal lah aktiviti menonton tv anak-anak. Kurangkan tengok AF, banyakkan tengok educational programme.

Haritu N@zme ada lawatan ke kilang coklat bersama-sama kawan-kawan dan cikgu-cikgu di tadika. AI pesan Abang N supaya beri duit sikit kat N@zme. Bayangkan, budak 3 tahun lebih, mana la tahu duit tu apa. Tapi takpela, Abang N pun beri la jugak. 5 ringgit. Haha.. Sekali tu, bila N@zme balik rumah, dia buat surprise untuk adik dia, Eff@. “Eff@, N@zme ada surprise untuk Eff@!,” sambil memberikan Eff@ coklat yang banyak. N@zme memang seorang abang yang penyayang. Dia sangat sayang Eff@, Eff@ je masih terlalu kecil untuk appreciate kasih sayang abang dia. Haha.. Jadi, apakah pengajaran kita, adik-adik? Ya, betul. Jadilah seorang yang penyayang. Kalau pergi lawatan ke kilang coklat, jangan lupa bawa souvenir untuk orang-orang lain di rumah.

Aku sangat merindui N@zme. Sangat rindu :(

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY, N@ZME :)

N@zme ketika berumur 4 hari. Kini, dia sudah berumur 4 tahun.

p/s: Jangan lupa perbanyakkan selawat sempena Maulidurrasul :)

I have to end it.

2008-03-19T13:10:00.003+08:00

“I have to end it. I have to end it now.” Naluriku tiba-tiba bersuara di sebalik benak fikiran aku. Untuk pengetahuan korang, itu adalah suara kecil yang sama, yang ke sepuluh juta, yang tiba-tiba muncul tanpa dipinta. Korang tak faham kan apa yang aku merepek ni? Bagus.

Nampaknya aku meng’update’ blog bosan ni setiap hari. Musykil. Aku selalunya takdela rajin nak update. Ada banyak benda aku kena baca. Tapi jari-jari ni seakan-akan ketagih untuk terus menghentak (? pelik nye bunyik) dan mengetuk papan kunci ni. Ya, korang kan dah tahu, kitaran biologi aku sudah hampir.

Jadi, aku masih belum tidur walaupun jarum jam sudah menunjuk pada nombor 5 dan 4. Bukan pukul 5:40 tapi sudah pukul 5:20. Pagi, bukan petang. Hebat kah? Tidak. Tidak la hebat mana. Aku masih pelajar perubatan, yang stay up hanya untuk menelaah, bukan doktor yang stay up untuk merawat pesakit atau doktor yang perlu berada di dewan pembedahan pada pukul 3 pagi untuk menjalankan Caesarean Section. Jadi, tidaklah hebat mana.

“I have to end it. I have to end it now.” Naluriku tiba-tiba bersuara di sebalik benak fikiran aku. Untuk pengetahuan korang, itu adalah suara kecil yang sama, yang ke sepuluh juta satu, yang tiba-tiba muncul tanpa dipinta. Korang tak faham kan apa yang aku merepek ni? Bagus.

Aku akhirnya telah memberitahu M tentang R. Aku tak pasti apa yang menyebabkan aku membuat keputusan untuk memberitahu M. Mungkin setelah aku berfikir panjang, untuk tidak lagi mempercayai mereka, aku mula mempercayai M dan menceritakan apa yang aku tidak ceritakan pada mereka. Tapi apa yang mengecewakan aku, setelah aku beritahu M segala-galanya, tiba-tiba ada sedikit penyesalan datang mengetuk pintu hati aku. Aku SEDIKIT menyesal dengan tindakan aku itu. M sepatutnya tidak mengetahui rahsia aku itu tapi aku terlalu terburu-buru untuk meraih simpati. Ah, apakan daya, nasi sudah menjadi bubur. Dan bubur ni boleh la dimakan, dihadam, dimuntahkan atau apa-apa sahaja. Benda sudah berlaku, tak perlu la difikirkan lagi. Lupakan saja.

“I have to end it. I have to end it now.” Naluriku tiba-tiba bersuara di sebalik benak fikiran aku. Untuk pengetahuan korang, itu adalah suara kecil yang sama, yang ke sepuluh juta dua, yang tiba-tiba muncul tanpa dipinta. Korang tak faham kan apa yang aku merepek ni? Bagus.

Aku baru dapat email daripada Puan M, berkongsi sedikit sebanyak apa yang beliau dapat masa Mi$i0n $tatement di Jakarta dan di Malaysia hari tu.

“Saya belajar untuk menulis misi peribadi, keluarga dan menggarap misi yang lebih besar. Bukan tak biasa menulisnya sebelum ini. Misi syarikat juga sering ditulis namun di M$, saya menulisnya dengan air mata...”

“M$ di Jakarta sedikit berbeza dengan Malaysia kerana kalau disana ia membawa kita untuk menyerapi semangat juang tokoh-tokoh nasionalisme yang sedikit asing pada kita sedangkan di Malaysia kita menyerapi semangat juang pejuang-pejuang seperti Sultan Muhammad Al Fateh yang menjatuhkan Kerajaan Constantinople yang berusia beratus tahun. Ia membawa kita menghayati kekuatan sebuah Visi dan Misi. Rasulullah "melihat"nya semasa Perang Khandak, 800 tahun sebelum jatuhnya Constantinople.”

“Sharing tentang misi, visi yang datang dari hati... kita berkumpul sesama kita, dengan tahap dan pangkat berbeza, tapi kita tanggalkan semua itu. ”

“Penghayatan Surah Ar-Rahman... penghayatan tentang syurga.. rasakan nanti. Terlalu indah untuk dilepaskan.”

Mi$i0n $tatement adalah training lanjutan daripada E$Q Tr@ining. Dan M$ ke 2 akan diadakan 27mac depan. Dan yuran pendaftaran adalah sebanyak RM560 (harga promosi). Aku amat merindui E$Q Tr@ining dan aku sangat sangat nak pergi ke M$. Tapi, aku takde kat Malaysia waktu tu. Aku sangat kecewa. Tapi.. mudah-mudahan rezeki aku dimurahkan pada masa akan datang. Jadi, cita-cita aku sekarang adalah untuk mengumpul sekurang-kurangnya £90 untuk ke M$ akan datang. I can afford that, kan? InsyaAllah.

photo taken by kreativekell.

“I have to end it. I have to end it now.” Naluriku tiba-tiba bersuara di sebalik benak fikiran aku. Untuk pengetahuan korang, itu adalah suara kecil yang sama, yang ke sepuluh juta tiga, yang tiba-tiba muncul tanpa dipinta. Korang tak faham kan apa yang aku merepek ni? Bagus.

Paradox

2008-03-19T06:42:00.004+08:00

‘Hendak seribu daya, tak hendak seribu dalih’.

That is what our teacher taught us in school and it’s put in the most exact words. If we want something so badly, we would find any possible way, we would try to get what we want, we would give everything we have, we would just sacrifice the whole world.

And.

If we don’t want something, no matter how bad things are, no matter how forceful the surroundings are, no matter what, we would definitely find an excuse. An excuse. That will help you not to go through what you don’t want to.

photo taken by jasontheaker.

But.. right now, I have a wish. A hope. A dream. That I want so much. And I’m trying so hard to get it. It’s just that, in order to get what I want, I need to find an excuse. AN EXCUSE. But I don’t know where to find it.

Paradox. Sometimes it’s so hard to believe but you’ve got no choice.

Honesty is not always the best policy.

2008-03-18T04:53:00.000+08:00

Kejayaan aku hari ini ialah tidak tidur lepas Subuh, sampaila sekarang. Dan kejayaan itu rupanya bukanlah satu berita gembira. Kejayaan tu akhirnya telah menyebabkan dua biji panadol dimasukkan dengan paksa rela ke dalam ruang GI tract aku. Sekarang, aku rasa nak muntah pulak. Tengok, kejayaan rupa-rupanya boleh menjadi ubat yang pahit.

Hari ini aku bangun dengan semangat yang lebih tinggi dari semalam. Aku cuba untuk menjadi rajin dengan mengulangkaji pelajaran. Cuma sekejap-sekejap tu, aku teringat balik kata-kata kawan aku semalam. Teringiang-ngiang suara dia di telinga aku. Mungkin kata-kata tu lebih pahit drpd ubat panadol yang aku telan tadi tapi siapala aku untuk memilih apa yang pahit, apa yang tidak.

Sejak aku berpisah dgn H, dan sejak aku mengalami konflik dengan A, aku belajar satu benda. Iaitu berlaku JUJUR dan TERUS TERANG. H pernah kata kat aku yang dia tak pernah meminta aku kasih sayang yang melimpah ruah. Dia cuma mahu aku menjadi seorang yang berterus terang. Seorang yang jujur. Dan seorang yang ikhlas. But I was too young to understand what honesty is. Aku masih terlalu naïf untuk memahami semua itu. Tapi, itulah kehidupan. Sekarang, aku sudah faham. Dan sekarang aku seperti ingin putarkan masa dan beritahu H bahawa aku sudah berubah menjadi seorang yg lebih matang. Tapi, “Demi masa, manusia itu di dalam kerugian..”

Tapi, selepas kejadian semalam, aku terfikir, kejujuran, keikhlasan dan keterus-terangan bukanlah sesuatu yang aku boleh buat tanpa mengharapkan benda yang sama daripada orang lain. Maksud aku, aku sudah meletakkan kepercayaan aku kepada mereka jadi aku mengharapkan mereka untuk juga berlaku jujur, ikhlas dan terus terang. Tapi, mereka tidak meletakkan kepercayaan mereka pada aku. Dan mereka tidak jujur, ikhlas dan terus terang.

Puas aku mencari jawapan, apakah dosa yang pernah aku buat sampai mereka tidak percayakan aku? Dan sepatutnya, mereka perlu jujur, ikhlas dan terus terang memberitahu aku apa kesalahan aku, tapi mereka tidak. AKU KAH YANG SALAH? ATAU MEREKA?

Aku sudah puas mencuba untuk bersangka baik dengan mereka. Alhamdulillah, tak ada satu prasangka yang jahat pun yang aku cuba letakkan pada mereka. Cuma.. aku tidak pasti samada aku mampu meletakkan kepercayaan aku kepada mereka lagi atau tidak. Aku sudah tidak pasti, samada aku mampu berlaku jujur, ikhlas dan terus terang lagi dengan mereka atau tidak.

Untuk mengikut kata the noble side of my instinct, aku sepatutnya memaafkan mereka dan terus berlaku jujur, ikhlas, dan terus terang tanpa mengharapkan pembalasan. Ya, itu yang sepatutnya aku lakukan. Tapi, aku bukanlah manusia yang maksum. Aku masih mempunyai perasaan. Aku tak nafikan yang aku masih berkecil hati dengan mereka. Tapi aku bersyukur sebab aku takde prasangka yang buruk terhadap mereka. Aku masih punyai naluri yang masih belum tercemar, insyaAllah.

Aku akan cuba. Aku akan cuba untuk terus berlaku jujur, ikhlas dan terus terang. Tapi mungkin tidak seperti dulu. Maybe to some extents, yes; but no longer like what I used to be. Sekarang aku sudah belajar, bahawa untuk mengaplikasikan kejujuran, keikhlasan dan keterus-terangan, tidak bererti untuk menjadi lurus dan naïf. Tapi perlulah bertempat.

Sungguh ironik bukan? Jujur. Ikhlas. Terus terang. Semuanya sifat yang baik. Tapi kalau kita amalkan, tak semestinya memberi impak yang positif. Mungkin salah aku sendiri. Mungkin salah aku kerana menyalahgunakan istilah-istilah itu. Mungkin salah aku kerana tidak betul-betul memahami maksudnya.

YA, MUNGKIN JUGA SALAH AKU. DAN BUKAN SALAH MEREKA.

photo taken by The Lydiannacat.

"We can never see ourselves the way others see us. Even the mirror shows us in reverse." kata M.

p/s: tapi aku masih kecil hati. Macam mana?

Aku desperate

2008-03-17T18:53:00.005+08:00

Korang dengar background music blog ni? Dengar? Dengar?

Siapa ada/tahu kat mana aku boleh download lagu ni, Our Creation by Hamza Robertson. Tolong bantu orang yang desperate mcm aku ni. Aku sangat suka lagu ni. Dah merata aku carik. Labah-labah Google dah lompat dari satu 'sawang' ke 'sawang' yang lain. Aku rasa labah-labah ni dah tak kuasa nak layan aku punya kerenah. Aku tak mampu nak beli CD ni 12pounds hanya semata-mata aku suka satu lagu ni je. Oh, bantulah aku!

Ya, aku sangat desperate saat ini. DESPERATE!

Underwater

2008-03-17T06:01:00.018+08:00

Dulu kat kolej, kalau aku depressed atau rasa down, aku akan ke kolam renang. Aku akan duduk dalam air seberapa lama yang mungkin. Aku mungkin kelihatan bersenam. Aku mungkin kelihatan menguak-nguak dalam air tapi siapa tahu, air mata aku bertemu dengan air klorin. Memang orang tak nampak pertemuan antara dua air yang berlainan sumber itu sebab aku pakai goggle berwarna hitam.

Hobi aku memang berenang. Aku mula berenang sejak aku 8 tahun. Aku mula masuk kolam renang dengan kedalaman 10 kaki masa aku darjah 2. “Lompat je Dina. Abang D tunggu kat bawah” kata instructor aku. Bayangkan, budak darjah 2, tengah berdiri kaku, nak terjun dalam kolam renang berkedalaman 10 kaki. Tapi aku kuatkan diri jugak. Lalu aku lompat dan terjun. Masa tu belum belajar diving lagi. Lompat katak saje.

Aku tenggelam. Untuk beberapa saat, aku rasa aku dah mati. Tiba2 aku dikelilingi dengan air biru. Kaki dan tangan mula meronta2. Bubble-bubble udara mula keluar dari hidung dan mulut aku. Air mula memasuki rongga airway dan oesophagus aku. Aku tidak boleh bernafas sebab takde sirip macam ikan. Aku hampir lemas. Tiba2 aku rasa diri aku disambar orang, dan di bawa ke atas air. Aku menghela nafas dengan panjang. Aku nangis. Ha ha ha.. Abang D rasa bersalah. Tapi dia cuba pujuk aku, “Abang saja nak suruh dina terjun dalam air dalam ni. Nak bagi tanak takut air. Nak bagi tanak takut lemas.” Dan aku rasa, sejak daripada tu, aku mmg tak pernah takut air lagi. So far.

Dengan ajaran Abang D sewaktu aku kecil, aku akhirnya berjaya mendapatkan Livesaving Bronze Medallion kat kolej dulu. Aku pergi ke kelas training setiap hari Selasa, Khamis dan Ahad. Kelas training tu adalah saat-saat penderitaan yang amat menyakitkan fizikal. Aku turun 5 kg. Hah hah.. Lepas tu naik balik. Aku sepatutnya boleh jadik live-saver yang berdedikasi. Ha ha ha.. Tapi sebab kelab live-saving campur laki prmpuan, aku tarik diri. Biarlah aku meng’save’ diri aku sendiri.

Hari ni, aku MENGIDAM untuk berendam dalam air. Bukan hanya sekadar berendam dan berangan, tapi berendam dan bersenam sambil melepaskan kesedihan di hati. Setiap kali lepas aku ke kolam renang, aku akan rasa puas, seakan-akan aku hidup di alam lain iaitu alam marine buat sementara waktu dan kembali ke alam realiti dengan satu perasaan yang lain. Tapi di tengah-tengah benua Inggeris ini, di tengah-tengah musim transisi antara musim sejuk dan musim bunga, di mana suhu masih lagi di paras 1 darjah selsius, manalah logik untuk aku berendam dalam kolam renang yang tidak pernah kelihatan pun di bumi aku pijak sekarang.

Hari ni aku bangun dengan tahap semangat yang paling rendah sekali. Aku melihat kawan-kawan aku pergi bercuti tinggalkan aku. Aku teringat detik-detik mak aku dan adik-adik aku pulang ke Malaysia dulu. Hidup aku seakan-akan kosong. Kosong secara fizikal. Lepas aku lihat mereka tinggalkan aku, aku kembali ke alam maya dengan harapan untuk meniggalkan kesedihan aku setakat itu saje. Tapi sekembalinya aku ke alam realiti, rupa-rupanya, kesedihan dari alam maya turut dibawa ke alam realiti. Dulu, lepas mak dan adik-adik aku pulang, aku menangis sekuat hati. Aku telangkupkan muka dalam bantal 4 ketul di atas katil ‘double’ dengan selimut panas yang besar dan menangis sepuas-puasnya. Sungguh selesa untuk melepaskan perasaan. Tapi hari ni, aku tak mampu nak menangis. Aku cuma menangis dalam hati. Sebab aku penat. Penat melayan perasaan.

Aku menyambut kekosongan hidup aku dengan memasak. Aku masak sedap-sedap sejak dua tiga hari ni. Aku masak ayam masak madu kicap cili api. Memang korang tak pernah dengar resipi ni sebab aku reka sendiri. Sejak aku sampai ke UK, tak pernah aku makan nasi dua kali sehari [kecuali kalau ada open house masa raya atau ada makan-makan]. Aku hanya akan makan nasi sekali sehari tapi banyak. Sebab tanak perut kosong bila tiba waktu malam. Tapi sejak akhir-akhir ni, aku masak sedap-sedap untuk diri sendiri. Aku pun pelik kenapa aku rajin sangat masak. Aku tahu diri aku mcam mana. Aku taklah serajin ini. Tapi hati ibarat ingin digembirakan jadi otak kata pegi masak. Dan aku makan tiga kali sehari. Ya, kitaran biologi aku sudah hampir.

Aku ke rumah kak A tadi. Berjalan kaki. Seorang diri. Bagaikan orang psycho keseorangan di tengah-tengah kota Leicester. Sambil telinga disumbatkan dengan ear-phone yang disambungkan ke telefon bimbit aku jenama Sony Ericsson sambil mendengar lagu-lagu yang aku sudah bosan mendengarnya tapi aku dah banyak kali lupa nak tukar. Aku melangkah dengan langkah yang sungguh tidak semangat. Dengan kedinginan angin yang menusuk tulang. Aku melayan perasaan.

Ramai jugak orang di rumah kak A. Sepupu aku, kak F dan Abang F pun ada juga. Aku borak-borak dengan diorang dan pastgrad-postgrad yg lain. “Sorang je? Mana kawan-kawan lain?” adalah soalan lazim untuk hari ni. “Diorang ke Prague. Dina tak ikut, takde duit” kata aku sambil melemparkan senyuman pahit dengan paksa rela. Selepas minum air kopi 3 cawan dan biskut 5 keping, aku meminta diri. Saat aku salam dan peluk kak A, aku rasa sayu. Aku rasa sedih.

Aku teringat sewaktu aku baru sampai di Leicester dulu, sewaktu aku ditinggalkan pegawai MARA [nama pegawai ni Encik Z. Ya, dia tinggalkan aku seorang diri. Sila repot polis] di tengah-tengah kota London di Heathrow Airport, sewaktu aku ditinggalkan bas, sewaktu aku rasa nak nangis dan nak balik Malaysia waktu tu jugak, tapi akhirnya dapat jugak naik bas, Kak A dan Abang T ambil aku di stesen bas St. Margaret’s di Leicester.

Hari pertama aku di UK adalah hari kedua Induction Week di Medical School. Aku agak lost tapi nasib baik ada Kak A dan Abang T. Mereka terus hantar aku ke Oadby Student Village, tempat penginapan sementara aku untuk Induction Week. Hari pertama itu, Abang T pinjamkan aku cash 100pounds sebab kena bayar accommodation. Dan Kak A, bekalkan aku spaghetti dan buah epal dan oren “Dina makan la ni ye. Akak buat tak banyak. Cukup la buat makan sehari dua,” kata Kak A sambil bagi aku bekalan tu. Aku terharu.

Saat-saat tu masih fresh dalam kepala aku. Kak A dan Abang T sangat baik, macam akak dan abang aku sendiri. Kalau aku ada apa-apa masalah, aku selalu mengadu dekat Kak A. Sekarang, Kak A sekeluarga nak balik Malaysia untuk selama-lamanya. Aku sedih. Aku sangat sedih. Satu lagi keluarga aku nak tinggalkan aku keseorangan kat sini. Nasib baik ada Kak F dan Abang F sedikit sebanyak terubat juga luka di hati. Aku salam Kak A dan peluk Kak A dan cuba menahan empangan di mata. Berjaya untuk seketika tapi tidak berjaya di saat aku menaip ni. Lalu air empangan terpaksa akur dengan tarikan graviti dan mengalir dengan derasnya.

Sekarang aku IDAMKAN lautan. Aku teringat saat-saat aku bersama beberapa orang kawan ber-snorkeling di Pulau Perhentian, Terengganu. Saat-saat gembira yang tak dapat diganti dengan saat-saat lain. Dengan life-jacket yang aku pakai, aku terapung-apung di atas lautan tanpa menjejakkan kaki di bumi, tanpa rasa takut dengan ikan jerung, tanpa rasa terbeban, berasa diri ini sangat ringan.

Kelihatan ikan-ikan kecil dan besar datang ke arah kami yang memegang roti di tangan. Ikan-ikan kecil dan besar berwarna-warni. Aku sangat gembira ketika itu. Aku menari-nari di dalam lautan. Aku bernyanyi-nyanyi didengari oleh ikan-ikan yang menemani aku. Kaki aku berkocak-kocak disaksikan makhluk Tuhan yang ada di bawah laut itu. Aku sangat gembira. Tiada pertemuan air tawar dengan air masin.

Tapi kini, aku ingin ke laut lagi. Dan air mata sudah meronta-ronta tidak sabar diminta untuk berjumpa dengan saudara air masinnya di lautan. Tapi apakan daya.. Aku hanya mampu berfantasi. Aku hanya mampu tenggelam dalam ‘lautan’ emosi.

Selamat tinggal Kak A, Abang T dan anak-anak. Semoga Allah membalas jasa Kak A dan Abang T. Jumpa lagi di Bangi dan Banting nanti, insyaAllah.

photo taken by _neverletmego_.

Stretching for your hand
Fingers out of reach
Everything is a mirage
Road melting
Features blend together;
Remember
Your face; not lost
Your voice; not spoken
But garbled
Down with the fishes
No gills and I can't breathe
Little bubbles back to the surface.
Where I should be
You're holding me down
And whispering
"Let go."
-by ~JennyBean~ H.

Of being scientific.

2008-03-16T10:44:00.007+08:00

photo taken by mechmed tawfeeqovski.

“Sometimes it’s better to not know than knowing something we don’t wish to know.” I told my friend just now.

But I remember what I told S the other day, “I hate uncertainties. I need to know the cinch. Let it be the dogma.”

So which one is better; knowing something that we’ve been waiting for so long or not knowing something that we don’t wish to discern?

“Why don’t you use your theory of knowledge?” asked S.

Bernoulli’s Principle?

The Ernst Equation?

Quantum Mechanics?

Theory of Relativity?

Which one? Which one, S?

Thanx for not being so helpful.

Wouldn't it be nice if science could explain everything plainly explicitly? Yes, it would be nice. But unfortunately life is not all about science, isn't it? So, not everything could be explained with science. Life is not that easy.

p/s: Happy holiday, my friends. Sedihnye tak dpt ikut korg pegi Prague :( I'm going to be all alone. Alone.

Take Me Away..

2008-03-15T02:49:00.005+08:00

"Aku ada fobia pada ketinggian. Aku gayat. Aku takut jatuh. Memang pemandangannya cantik dari ketinggian ini, tapi kalau jatuh tentunya lebih sakit kan?" kata seorang kawan.

Aku suka la quote ni. Sebab aku mmg gayat. I hate heights. Sebab tu aku lagi suka pantai daripada gunung. Whatever it is, no matter how beautiful the view is from up there, I'd rather be down here than regretting over flying too high.

The next cycle is coming up. I hate this feeling. I hate being controlled by hormones. I hate it when emotions take control over everything.

I skipped my formative-assessment feedback lecture this afternoon. I skipped the next two lectures about God-knows-what. Just right after my test, I went back to my hall, jumped onto my double bed and let my mind took me wherever it wants. I’m not in the mood :(

Abg t@m@t is going back to Malaysia for good. Kak @m@ni is going back to Malaysia for 5 weeks. And so is Izw@n. And so is my flatmate. Four of my friends are going to Prague. So, in the end, I’m left here with everyone’s being away. And my camera is idly put on the shelf, untouched and berhabuk. So how is it relevant for me to be happy and contented? How is it possible for ‘not-in-the-mood’ feelings not being applied to my current condition?

photo taken by antonious.

J, take me away from here..
Take me to the ocean..
Let us go there..
I want to bid farewell to the Sun..
I want to fly along with the birds..
I want to sing together with the waves..
I want to hum along with the wind..
I want to float freely on the sea..
Forget about everything on the land..
I want to close my eyes..
And feel Him within me..
I want to close my eyes..
And pray..
I want to close my eyes..
And throw everything of him away..
I want you to know..
That this is what I really want..
Please, J..
Take me away..

Of disgusting people..

2008-03-12T07:25:00.007+08:00

Eeeeee GEERRAAAMM!!

G.E.R.A.M.

Tau tak. GERAM!

Religion Abuse.

Ni yang buat aku meluat tgk pemimpin2 melayu ni. Or better still, pemimpin MUSLIM. Eh kejap.. muslim ke? Astaghfirullah.. kan dah aku memfitnah ke-muslim-an dia.

All this while, aku cuba jadi as unbiased as possible. Aku cuba pujuk diri sendiri “bukan salah parti, tapi salah individu”. Tapi kebetulan, individu2 daripada that particular party tu la yang buat aku meluat. Ok fine.. That’s an unfair generalisation. But that’s the truth!

Aku replay video tu ulang2 kali. Cuba cari, aku ke yang salah dengar atau mmg salah KJ punya cara percakapan. Berulang2 kali. Last2 aku fed up. Dan MELUAT campur MENYAMPAH sebab aku tak dapat cari relevancy on what he said.

Oh come on! You are just an Oxford graduant! Bukan Al-Azhar! How can you make such statement in front of a crowd??? HOW CAN YOU??!!! [Bukan nak kata Oxford graduant tak boleh nak sentuh bab2 agama tapi maksud aku, sebelum nak cakap tu, filter la dulu, betul ke tak apa yg nak disampaikan tu..]

Ya rabbii..

“sebabnye org yg nak jadi pemimpin ni tak fhm islam, dina” kata kawan aku, Nazirah.

Haa itu la MASALAH BESAR kebanyakan pemimpin2 zaman sekarang ni. Patutnya, diri sendiri tu la tahu yang dia tu tak faham islam. Kalau dah tak faham islam tu, pegi la belajar. Ni tidak. Memandai pulak nak cakap pasal islam lah, akhirat lah. Apa qualification yang kau ada utk cakap such thing??? Tolong la. INIKAH CARA OXFORD GRADUANT BERCAKAP??

Ya Allah..

“Sedangkan tuan2, agama kita pun ada sebut, hari kiamat nanti, apabila malaikat meniup sangkakala, hari kiamat nanti, segala2nya hancur tuan2. Bumi hancur, laut hancur, langit hancur, bulan pun hancur, tuan2. Yang tinggal hanya dacing yang akan menimbang antara dosa dan pahala manusia, tuan2.”

Habis tu, semua hancur, kau tak hancur ke? Apa kena mengena dacing BN dengan hari kiamat ni weh???? APA CERITA NI???!!!! Yang kelakarnya, lepas dia cakap macam tu, semua orang sorak. SORAK???!! Sama je penyokong dgn pemimpin.

Aku sedih. Sangat2 la sedih. Bayangkan kat akhirat nanti, Allah tayangkan balik sebijik2 macam dalam youtube tu, kau tak malu ke??? Astaghfirullahal’adzim!

“Ni dlm ayat quran 50:18, Allah kata setiap apa yg kite sebutkn akan dicatat oleh raqib atid. Tu yg ustaz cerita kat kitorg time crash course arab baru2 ni. Ustaz kata raqib mengawasi kita, atid mencatat. Semua yg kita lafazkan akan dicatat..”

Terima kasih kat kawan aku, Nazirah sebab kongsi ayat quran tu. InsyaAllah sama2 la kita muhasabah diri balik. InsyaAllah kita insaf dan minta ampun kat Allah atas segala perkara sia2 yang kita sebut selama ni. Dan doakan la jugak, mudah2an, suatu hari yang indah nanti, akan ada orang yang bagitau KJ pasal ayat quran ni. Kesian sangat kat dia. Takkan kat akhirat nanti kita nak lihat PEMIMPIN KITA [dia menang Rembau ok! Jadi, dia masih seorang wakil rakyat] tanggung sorang2 atas apa yang dia cakap sesuka hati tu? Na’uzibillah!

Dan lagi satu yang aku geram, kat Friendster tu, kalau boleh Bulletin Board tu nak dijadikan blog. Nak bagi satu dunia tahu yang dia tu pemuda UMN0. Nak menyumpah seranah itu ini. Nak kata itu salah, ini betul. Terang tang tang tulis ‘T@kzi@h Melayu!”. Nak kata orang Melayu ni bodoh pilih salah pemimpin. Nak label orang tu tak educated. Nak label orang ini bengap.

Eh eh.. dia pulak sebok nak berkempen kat Friendster ni ape pasal? Apa masalah kau dengan negara demokrasi ni? Dah rakyat nak bagi ombak tsunami, kau siapa nak label2 orang ni? Kau siapa nak wakilkan rakyat2 yang lain? Kau siapa nak salahkan apa yang orang undi? KAU SIAPA???? SIAPA KAU? Kalau korang nak tahu contoh post yg ‘KAU’ ni tulis, ada kat entry lepas tajuk ‘Of Mentalities’ yang aku kata aku dpt drpd kawan pasal harga minyak tu. Nak kata orang, dia pun sama. Umur baru 22 beb. Jangan la berangan macam umur 50an! Haih.. Apa nak jadik nih?

“Spare me, sir. There’re many differences between me and you. What to do? I just happen to love my country better, thats all. I am more worried about my nation than just my party. That makes me an angry man, yes, and you shall not say anything about it because it was you people who fight so much about freedom of speech and what not. So it is either you let me be by respecting my space of political remarks and ideologies, or you can easily remove me from your list to allow your side of liberalism takes account at definite order. Because I do respect your space, and thus should you do mine.”

Fine.

So long, farewell. You’re no longer in my friend list. You make me sick!!

p/s: Aku dah lama bersabar dgn kawan aku ni. Aku bukanlah orang yg dipilih oleh Allah dengan tahap kesabaran yang tinggi. Aku dah cukup sabar dah. Dia je yang saja nak naikkan darah aku lagi. Ya Allah.. tunjukkanlah KAMI jalanMu yang lurus..

New Blog

2008-03-11T15:10:00.002+08:00

with the wisdom of hindsight.

That's officially [official ke? :P] for iLuvi$l@m.c0m. But it's still under construction. Dah lama tak duk godek2 coding2 ni. Poning den!

Though, .v.e.r.i.t.y. .o.f. .j.u.d.g.m.e.n.t. will still be operated.

Please do visit my new blog. And kurangkan visit blog yg ni sbb blog ni utk benda2 merepek i.e personal. Blog lagi satu tu lebih ilmiah, insyaAllah. Dan lebih publicised :D

Jazakallahu Khairan Kathira for your time and your support. Any criticism, ideas, suggestions etc, please do let me know :)

Of a Scar Unhealed

2008-03-10T12:08:00.003+08:00

I learnt few weeks ago about chronic inflammation. And it is wound up that one of its outcomes is SCARING.

The good news is; the function would probably return completely to normal.

photo taken by Atilla1000.

Unfortunately, the bad news is; the normal structure is no longer retained.

So, how do I get rid of the scar? I would say, well, He has the answer. But that's just too easy.

What's worse is; sometimes, even if the chronic inflammation has healed and repaired, subsequent persistent irritaion is still possible. That's extremely awful.

I guess that's how the nature works. For better or worse.

O Allah! I ask for a mercy from You by which You will guide my heart, settle my affairs, remove my worries, protect me from what is unseen to me, make my face radiant, purify my deeds, inspire me with wisdom, avert calamities from me, and protect me from every evil.

p/s: Staying up for the whole night does not make me a superwoman. And neither it makes the caffeine a superman.

Of Mentalities

2008-03-06T06:17:00.012+08:00

"Sekarang suaranya (Anwar Ibrahim) berubah sekali lagi. Saya tidak tahu mengapa rakyat terutama bukan Melayu masih percaya dengannya yang kini begitu lantang menghentam sistem pemerintahan kerajaan yang pernah menjadi sebahagian daripada perjuangannya," Click here.

“Saya sebagai anak muda, pandang kiri pandang kanan rasa sayu di hati sedikitlah. Bahawa kita tidak boleh meletakkan Islam itu mengatasi semua politik.” Click here.

“Bukan ada kesalahan apa pun yang dilakukan oleh Dato’ Seri Anwar. Takdak langsung.. Sebab itu, ini adalah kezaliman. Tetapi, masa itu susah sikit, ada kuasa ni susah nak buang (kezaliman). Laa (sekarang) ni dah takdak kuasa.” Click here.

SPR.

BERSIH.

PALESTINEAN ISSUES.

WORLD WIDE HEALTH ISSUES.

SECULARISM.

FUEL PRICE RISES.

POLITICS.

Politics. I’ve never liked politics. Someone once said, “You can’t be a politician if you’re a good person because politics mean play dirty.” I bet most of us nowadays choose not to get involved in politics. Talking bad about people behind their backs. Playing around with words and promises. It’s just not our thing!

You probably curious about what I’m going to say here. Well, before I go any further, mind you, this is not a political agenda of any sort and no, I’m not trying to brainwash you or campaigning for any parties. Like I said before, I don’t really like politics. And this is only from my point of view. You can judge. You can criticise. You can curse and whatnot. It’s my blog, I’m free to write anything I want and yea, this is the cyber world, you’re free to response whatever you wish as well. But I’ll try to be as unbiased as possible. Probably will touch a bit on Islamic point of view which I don’t find any harm caused there.

Well, I’ve been brought up in an academic family. Both of my parents are academicians. They never taught us anything about politics. Well, I’m glad they didn’t because the political world out there is seriously chaotic and crazy. But we do talk about politics once in a while and perhaps that is the reason why I think I should be aware of all these crazy things. Everyday especially when the general election is just around the corner, I got loads of links from various sources; diverse mentalities and what have you. And I get to see different approaches from different parties. Man, I just can’t go along with that kind of way. I mean, cursing, swearing, shouting, being dishonest. I’m not pointing towards any party. I’m talking this on general basis. Now, that’s not very pleasant to feel you know. I don’t like it. But who am I to complaint? That is politics. What else do I expect it to be?

So, like everyone else, I would just ignore, go on with my life, go to lectures everyday as usual, and get my degree back to Malaysia.

Well, I could have done that. I could have been "whatever! It’s not my problem!". But ironically, despite the loathsome perception of mine on politics, I didn’t restraint my thoughts on it. It would be such a big lie if I say that I didn’t get impacted by what is happening in my own country. I would call myself a fool if I keep on being ignorance and pretend like everything is not my problem. It would be such a shame of me if I keep on being naïve when the world around me is obviously not just about going to lecture and bringing back my certificate to Malaysia. The world is revolving, man! The world is getting insane. The world is going mad. How could you be so ignorance and naïve?

For instance:

I got this from a friend – “Kalau stakat nak pong pang kutuk kerajaan tapi gamba pun sorok tayah la weh. Nak caci orang ni, nak hina orang tu, umur nak buang undi pun tak cukup lagi. benci umno la, beruk nasional la, owh come on. kita bukan nya orang tak berpelajaran. duduk kat utp guna pakai duit petronas, takde lgsg rasa appreciate lain la to non scholars kan. ada hati nak turunkan harga minyak. sedangkan opac pun tak mampu nak kawal habis2, ni bajet leh kasi subsidi besar besaran la. tau ke harga sebarrel minyak skrg bape?”

On the other hand – “Kalau turun harga minyak, bukan sampai kita bankrap. Kita turun supaya untung kita daripada 80 billion jadi 70 atau 60 billion ringgit. Masih untung! Double dari apa yang saya dapat dulu.” Click here.

Well, one might ask “How do you know which source is reliable and which is not?”. “How do we know who speaks truth and who doesn’t?”

And I don’t have answers for that if you ask. Because nowadays, you can’t trust anyone. You can’t even trust your friends, let alone political websites on the net. Most of them are full of craps, lies and rubbish. But my answer to myself [again, to MYSELF] is, “Dina, open your heart, open your mind, and be realistic. Use your common sense.” And apparently, that little piece of advice for myself does kind of work! No, I don’t know what’s the exact answer for the question I raised above. I doubt there’s any. But at least, AT LEAST, I’m not left behind. I’m not just living under a shell.

I looked at those videos on youtube. I read through those articles about what is currently going on in Malaysia. I watch. I read. I listen. And I think. And what I can tell myself is; our [or probably MY] country is chronically injured with every sort of damages. Corruption. Cronies. Backstabbing. Masalah akhlak remaja. Bla. Bla. Bla. Please don’t get me into listing sebab takkan habis. And one thing that truly disappoints me is; OUR UMMAH is seriously falling apart. Sedih tau tak. Sedih. Sedih.

Now, coming into the Islamic point of view. Ok, I know I’m not even close to being an ustazah. But this is what I learnt from some programmes I attended before. You probably have heard about the history when the world was under the ruling of Caliphate. You probably have known the victorious achievement when the world is ruled by the Muslims. You probably have appreciated how important a Caliph is which was clearly explained after the death of our beloved Prophet, Nabi Muhammad s.a.w. when Abu Bakr As-Siddiq was IMMEDIATELY appointed as the first caliph. IMMEDIATELY appointed. You know why.

But just think, for once, just think how long has this world been left without a caliph? How long? Fine. That’s why it’s not surprised to see how sick our Ummah is now because we have left without a caliph for soo SOO soo long. So yea, one might think “So what can you do? Kita dah lama tak ada khalifah. Takkan tiba2 nak ada pulak? Siapa nak jadik? Ah, I don’t care. Just live with it, man!”.

But, I know, most of us are not categorised under that kind of thinking. You are more educated. You can think more than that. So, please do.

“Nasib baik aku kat UK skrg, bukan kat Malaysia. Senang hidup. Takdela pening kepala nak fikir pasal pilihanraya. Tak nak aku pening2 pasal nak undi sape. Bukannya ada parti yang best pun.” kata seorang kawan aku hari tu.

“Aku x suke la politik2 ni. Kotor..” kata seorang kawan yang lain.

Dunia sekarang dah nazak. Sejak kejatuhan kerajaan Islam Uthmaniyyah, when the nationalism was introduced, when one Islamic nation was separated into modern countries, everything has changed. EVERYTHING. And as I’ve said before, the Ummah is falling apart. Who’s to blame? Ask yourself, don’t ask me.

“Kita tidak boleh meletakkan Islam itu mengatasi semua politik”, kata seorang menteri as I mentioned above, with a link attached. Sedih tak? Aku terkejut beruk bila dengar. Now, I know that the menteri is from BN. Tak, aku bukan nak kata BN jahat. TAK. TAK. The problem with politics nowadays is flawed individuals. Not the parties. Not the religion. Definitely not Islam. Tak kisah la siapa pun yang rule the country. BUT.. it needs to be based on Al-Quran and Sunnah. “Laa, ayat berlapis2 plak. Ni nak suruh sokong PAS la ni!”. Suka hatila kalau fikiran korang tersempit sangat smpai conclude mcm tu. But that’s not what I meant. Apa salahnya kalau UMNO rule the country? Dah puluh2 tahun merdeka, siapa yang bangunkan Malaysia? See.. UMNO/BN jugak kan? Tapi.. sejauh mana mereka memeberi penekanan Islam dalam pembangunan negara. Tepuk dada, tanya iman.

“So, now, what? You’re asking us to get involved in politics? Is that it?”

No. No. No. I’m just very disappointed with some perceptions that my friends have on politics. I’m not asking you to berkempen. I’m not asking you to pangkah BN or pangkah BA. No. That’s not my intention. I just want you to think. I just want you to understand that politics are super crucial. Tolong la jangan tolak politik terus. Aku still x suka politik, I admit. Tapi jangan la tolak terus politik. Politics are not dirty. The individuals might be but not politics. Not the parties. It’s just the individuals.

And the conclusion is?

Open your mind. And look beyond your sight. Let your thoughts spread out.

“Ah, excuse me, who are you again?”

Right. I’m nobody. I’m just a person who knows nothing and pretend like knows everything. Sue me. Go ahead.

photo taken by Anthony Begovic.

“Akan ada di tengah-tengah kalian zaman kenabian. Maka, dengan kehendak Allah, ia pun tetap ada, kemudian Dia pun mencabutnya, jika Dia memang berkehendak untuk mencabutnya. Kemudian akan ada zaman Khilafah ‘ala Minhaj an-Nubuwwah, maka dengan kehendak Allah, ia pun tetap ada, kemudian Dia pun mencabutnya, jika Dia memang berkehendak untuk mencabutnya. Kemudian akan ada zaman penguasa yang zalim, maka dengan kehendak Allah, ia pun tetap ada, kemudian Dia pun mencabutnya, jika Dia memang berkehendak untuk mencabutnya. Kemudian akan ada zaman penguasa diktator, maka dengan kehendak Allah, ia pun tetap ada, kemudian Dia pun mencabutnya, jika Dia memang berkehendak untuk mencabutnya. Setelah itu, akan ada zaman Khilafah ‘ala Minhaj an-Nubuwwah. Belia pun kemudian terdiam.” (HR. Ahmad)

p/s: Masihkah kita ingat dengan SEJARAH KITA? :)

Adakah aku masih di planet BUMI?

2008-03-05T07:26:00.000+08:00

“Dina, jangan baik sangat kat aku bleh tak? Jangan buat lawak bodoh lagi. Jangan buat aku ketawa lagi. Jangan tanya khabar aku lagi..”

Laa.. buat baik salah. Buat tak baik pun salah.

Ko kate ko sedih, aku buat la lawak bodoh nak bagi ko gelak sket.

Dah ko kawan aku, sejak dari kecik. Takkan nak tanye khabar pun x bleh?

“Ko suka aku ke?” tanye aku dengan tak malunye.

“Tak..”

Sign out.

Fine. Aku jadik jahat lepas ni. Aku tanak tegur ko dah. Aku nak marah2 je lepas ni.

Tanak kawan.

photo taken by Erin_T.

"The metaphor of those who spend their wealth, desiring the pleasure of Allah and firmness for themselves, is that of a garden on a hillside. When heavy rain falls on it, it doubles its produce; and if heavy rain does not fall, there is dew. Allah sees what you do."
(Surah al-Baqara, 265)

Ya Allah.. Ampunkanlah aku. Terimalah taubatku. Sesungguhnya Engkau, Maha Pengampun Dosa. Berikanlah aku, kesempatan waktu. Aku ingin kembali, kembali kepadaMu. Basuhilah dosa-dosaku walaupun dengan hanya setitis embunMu, ya Allah..

Of responsibilities..

2008-03-01T10:21:00.001+08:00

Well, firstly, I know this post might steer you to endless of conclusions. But I don't really mind, to be honest. It's up to your judgment. You're adult enough [hopefully :P] to review the contents as fairly as possible. Nevertheless, this is the light through which I see on things.

Aku terbaca balik satu post aku ni. Skema nye ayat ku. Baik nye la kata2 yg ditulis dulu tu. Hehehe..

Conversation I

Kawan: btw u have a nice blog
deyna rashid: ooo.. blog tu dah lame wujud.. tmpt utk merepek semata2.. not meant for any beneficial writings whatsoever.. heh
deyna rashid: not like urs basically
Kawan: haha
Kawan: aku campur rojak jgk
Kawan: :P
Kawan: aaah aku x suka tulis skema
Kawan: but bagi aku
Kawan : utk menyampaikan sesuatu yg penting
Kawan: kena skema kot
deyna rashid: yea i get what u mean
deyna rashid: huhu
deyna rashid: aku ade je entry yg skema2
deyna rashid: n yep.. it was intended to convey some useful messages
deyna rashid: otherwise.. x skema langsung dan merepek
deyna rashid: huhu
deyna rashid: but i think the lesson u learnt from whatever u write about is what matters the most
deyna rashid: tak kisah la rojak ke tak.. skema ke tak

Jadi, kesimpulannya? Kesimpulannya, suka hati encik/cik blogger la utk tulis gaya macam2 mana pun. Kadang2 aku kena tulis dengan skema sbb nak bagi nampak ikhlas sket. Heh.. Ah, x kisah la kan. Yg penting mesej smpai.

Anyway, ape yg buat aku nak post entry ni is:

Conversation II

Kawan: kawan aku ni nak kawin
Kawan: hehe
Kawan: aku pulak yg seronok
deyna rashid: skrg mmg zaman org kawen eh
Kawan: hmm
deyna rashid: ke mmg aku yg dah masuk alam dewasa ni
deyna rashid: haha
Kawan: tu lah
Kawan: maksudnya kita dah dewasa
Kawan: dan ada di antara kita da cukup matang utk pikul tggjawab tu
Kawan: hehe
Kawan: maksudnye
Kawan: kita ni x muda dah
deyna rashid: oo ye ke
deyna rashid: begitu rupenye
deyna rashid: huhu
Kawan: yeap
Kawan: kalau kau ada minat
Kawan: aku boleh carik2 kan yg baik
deyna rashid: uish
deyna rashid: baik sgt tu
deyna rashid: haha
deyna rashid: aku takde la mencari pun
deyna rashid: kalau ada, ada.. kalau takde, takde
deyna rashid: tp aku x bleh ckp kat mak aku mcm tu
deyna rashid: nnt dia marah
deyna rashid: "awak tu buat medic! nanti kalau x cari, sampai bila2 tak jumpa! habis tu tak nak kawen ke?"
deyna rashid: tapiii.. hehe.. bukan la memilih tp nak carik org yg betul2 faham ni tak senang kot
deyna rashid: kot laa..
deyna rashid: ade je.. tp susah sikit
Kawan: haha
Kawan: betul2
Kawan: bapak singa aku pesan
Kawan: kena jadi soleh
Kawan: baru layak utk yg solehah
Kawan: same rule apply utk kaum korang
deyna rashid: btul2
deyna rashid: sbb tu aku x memilih.. sbb aku tau diri aku mcm mana
deyna rashid: haha
deyna rashid: tapi malas nak fikir skrg.. sbb Dia dah fikir n tetapkan.. so, let everything speaks on its own way la kan
deyna rashid: heh

Jadi, kesimpulannya? Kesimpulannya ada dua:

i) Aku memang hopeless bab2 ni. Dan juga pathetic. Bukan aku x fikir pasal kawin ni. Fikir sangat. Siap ada tabung ‘kawin’ lagi [yang masih berjumlah £0.00]. Tanye budak2 leicester. Hahaha.. Tapi…….. Hm.. terlalu banyak ‘tapi’. Biarlah rahsia.. :P

ii) aku takde perasaan pun bila kawan aku ni kata kawan dia nak kawen. Macam tu je la. Heartless. Sebab mmg zaman org kawen awal pun. I don’t want to talk about my opinion. But what I want to point out is, semalam, aku dapat berita yg kawan aku nak kawen. Hurrmm.. Maybe normal je kot drpd heartless, aku terus jadik excited macam hape je bila tau kawan sendiri nak kawen. Tunang tu, aku happy la tp x de la as surprised as bila tau kwn nak kawen! Tak tahu la nak ckp mcm mana. EXCITED SANGAT!!!! But at the same time, rase sedih [dina and emotions are inseparable. Harap maklum :p]. sedih sebab dah x boleh nak lepak2 macam org bujang selalu buat. Ewah, macam ape je bunyi ayat tu. Tapi x kisah la. Aku terkejut, excited but at the same time, sedih sikit.

Parents kawan aku ni mcm risau. Kawan aku ni nak cepatkan nikah. Ye, aku kesian sebenarnya. Sebab aku faham je betapa susah nak kawal perasaan sume kan. Tapi aku faham jugak parents nak lepaskan anak perempuan mcm tu je, bukan senang. So, kwn aku ni mcm sedih sebab parents dia x bagi cepatkan nikah. Yang kelakarnya, mak aku ni terbalik plak. mum selalu suruh aku carik boyfriend. Memang jangan la masuk bab2 kawen dengan mum ni, konfem aku kalah. Haha..

But what I’m trying to say is, betapa, semua benda yang kita plan, x semestinya akan di kabulkan without permission from Him. Faham ke? Maksudnye, kawan aku tu mmg dah plan sume nak nikah awal sume, tapi parents dia kata nanti dulu. In a way, macam semuanya memang dah ditetapkan olehNya yang belum sampai masa lagi utk kawan aku ni kawen. Yang aku ni pulak, aku plan nak habiskan study dulu, buat la ape yg patut dulu. Tapi..kalau tiba2 esok anak raja mana [uish, materialistic sajeee..] ajak aku kawen, aku mungkin akan kate ‘yes, I do..’ [rileks2, ni bukan cerekarama..] sebab mungkin dah sampai waktu aku untuk berumah tangga kan.

Ape aku merepek ni?

Kalau korg faham, bagus. Kalau tak faham, x payah la faham. X penting. Huhu.. Yang penting, aku belum nak kawen lagi. Huhu..

Kepada kawan aku yg nak kawen tu, sabar la k? Keep on praying. May He smooth away the difficulties. Apa2 pun, aku sangat happy :)

Aaaannnyyywaayyy..

Aku tengah dalam proses untuk belajar. Bukan belajar medic. Tapi belajar management. Alhamdulillah, I was invited by MU$$T to be the Student Liaison of Leicester. Ntah, aku pun x tau ape kebendenye tu. Huhu.. Tapi, aku ada angan2. Aku punya angan2 is... oh, lupe pulak ni blog, bukan diary :P xpela, doakan je la aku dapat belajar as much as possible from apa2 jawatan yg aku pegang pun.

And at the same time, belajar utk jadi medic student yg lebih.. lebih.. x kisah la ape2 pun. Yang lebih elok la basically. Yang penting, aku tanak pegi lecture > balik lecture > study > revise > tido > makan > pegi lecture > balik lecture > exam > pass > graduate > balik Malaysia. Kalau mcm tu, kat Malaysia pun boleh kan? Bak kata $uh@ib, when you go back to Malaysia, make sure your opinion, your voice, your skills, your knowledge, is worth every penny that Government has spent on you. RM 1 Million. Is not something you get for free. Skrg kan tengah isu pilihan raya. Duit tol naik la. Harga minyak naik la. Harga barang2 naik la. Scholarship allowance pun naik beb!!! So, fikir2kan lah. Renung2kan lah.

Ok?

Itu sahaja buat waktu ini. Salam ceria :)

Back on reading journals..

2008-02-28T03:43:00.005+08:00

Two days ago, I slept at 5.45am in the morning. Yes, I stayed up until dawn. Of course with the help of the caffeine. Studying. Then I took a nap until 8.30am. Then I went to my lecture, Dissesting Room bla bla bla..

Yesterday, I slept at 11.32pm. Only to find that I was awakened by a shaking building at almost 1 oclock in the morning. Earthquake. Yes, there was an earthquake. Some people evacuated the building. But I chose to jump onto my bed and continued my sleep. My alarm went off several times but I just could not bother. I was very tired. Then I woke up at 8.30am this morning. I skipped my shower, ironed my baju n tudung and went straight to the lecture.

Today, I got back to my room at 1.03pm. Called mum on skype to tell her about the earthquake. Then I accidentally fell asleep until 5.28pm. Now, my kepala is very pening and I’m in no mood to do anything. Study. ‘Berkempen’. Contact my consultant. Revision. No, I am just not in the mood.

So I continued reading my current favourite online journal. I had posted up about Dr. M@x’s loss of her son some times ago [click here]. Banyak kali aku nangis bila baca kisah Dr. M@x ni. Pastu ntah macam mana aku boleh bukak balik journal tu couple of days back and tergerak hati untuk baca entry Dr. M@x dari awal, since 2000. That was like what, 8 years ago?

I don’t know how to describe but reading the journal makes me think about smorgasbord of things. Nak dijadikan cerita, Dr. M@x ni kalau tak silap study dekat King’s College London. Memang kecik dunia. Probably one or two year senior Along Ima. Then she went back to Malaysia and served in public hospital.

For your info, I do follow some medical series on the tv like Grey’s Anatomy, House, dulu ikut la jugak ER and what have you. But they are just dramas. Unreal. Lama2 aku muak dengan drama2 tv ni. Manipulative betul. Tapi aku suka tengok how the real situations in hospitals je. Tapi takdela real sangat sebab tu semua drama je lebih. Tapi bila baca journal Dr. M@x ni, buat aku rasa “OMG!!”

Aku terfikir..
“betul ke aku nak jadik doc ni?”

“aku nak sambung internship kat uk ke mesia?”

“aku ni nak specialise in ape?”

“aku mampu ke nak berhadapan dengan serangan emosi bila patient aku meninggal? bila aku berhadapan dengan kematian?”

“aku mampu ke nak berhadapan dengan hidup yang &^$$%#%&*(&^%$# bila jadi doc nnt?”

“aku ni baru je masuk second sem and I have like what, 4.5 years to go before gradute? Mampu ke aku berhadapan dengan segala dugaan?”

“mampu ke aku bagi full commitment kat kerja? Family?”

[286] Allah does not lay a responsibility on anyone beyond his capacity. (2:286)

Sabar. Kuat semangat. Erti hidup pada memberi. I try to instil that in mind.

Ni baby bro. wazari. Comel horror kan?? Comel sangat! MasyaAllah! Aku selalu berangan nak tangkap gmbar anak2 aku mcm ni nanti. Nak buat portfolio khas untuk anak2. Apa??!! Anak2???! Oh!~ hah hah..

p/s: Masa angah aya tengah mengandungkan adam, angah aya buat announcement kat satu family nak bagi nama anak dia ‘adam’. Adam bin Shahril Azam. Senang nak panggil katanya. Tak macam Salma Aida. Banyak versi panggilan. Che Sal. Salma. Aida. Heh.. Lepastu nadhrah [a.k.a anid] tak puas hati. Sebab dia pun nak bagi nama anak dia adam. Lepastu angah aya kata, “Hey, carik nama laki dulu la before carik nama anak..” Hah hah hah.. Oh, rindunye kat baby adam!!

UPDATE (28 FEB 2008, 1908): Adik Dr. M@x ni m@t j@n rupenye!! Alahai.. kecik sangat dunia ni..

Caffeine is not a healthy lifestyle. So, don't consume caffeine. Unless you have no choice :P

2008-02-26T09:50:00.006+08:00

My clock reads 1.48am now. I’m taking a break. From a mental suicidal attempt. Lame joke, yea yea. Tapi dalam kepala otak ni serious dah traffic jam dah. “Ponn ponnn” “Piinn piinnn” “eeeeekkkk.. kabbooomm!!”

Dina dah bengong baca innervation of the limbs. Betul ke nak jadik doctor ni? Isk3.. *menangis*

On a more positive and optimistic note however, I’m currently getting myself busy with some programmes and projects or whatever you want to call it. I was offered to be one of those administers of the famous Malaysian Islamic site, ILu\/i$l@m.c0m last week and I decided to say ‘yes’. I don’t know why I agreed to join the team. Probably because I think I have not make full use of my time, on a whole. I think I have wasted my time so much. And perhaps, this is my chance to learn other things apart from what I've already skilled at.

And come to think of it, I used to spend almost one year back then in college as a housecaptain. I was the person to think about ALMOST EVERYTHING ON HOUSE ISSUES and I’ve accustomed to a hectic and busy lifestyle and that’s how I managed myself as a ‘person’. And I think, I really need something that I could get myself busy with because that’s the only way for me to learn to become a ‘person’, not just a doctor. It’s not going to be easy and it’s an absolute escapade but I guess, a worth living life does not include ‘relaxed’, ‘trouble-free’, ‘effortless’ and you-name-it in its dictionary. Uuuuuu.. I’m not a philosophy kind of person. *gelak kat diri sendiri* but I think there’s a truth in it, at least to some extents.

So, I went to the ‘new family’ meeting at N0tts last Sunday. Walaupun aku orang baru and macam x faham sangat the details of the work delegation tapi aku nampak la semangat diorg tu. And since aku jadik member ILu\/i$l@m.c0m masa website tu baru bukak like more than one year ago sampai sekarang, mmg banyak sangat improvement la. Aku mmg salute kat admin2 yg dah lama work on the page. Salute tabik spring toing toing!! And listening to the upcoming alterations and improvements, aku nampak masa depan yang cerah la for the website. Hopefully berjaya la kan, insyaAllah. Doakan kitorg :)

And oh yea, the current Malaysian Society is stepping down soon. I'm not intending to continue my service as a secretary. Rasa macam aku takde chemistry sangat dengan secretarial work ni. Heh.. Habistu, kerja apa yg aku ada chemistry? Ya, tepat sekali. Apa dia? Ya, betul. Aku pun x tahu. Depends on the people I work with kot. Hehehe.. Ok2, I don't want to get into old stories. [note to you-know-who: don't even think it!]. So, to Leicesterians, remember to nominate your future committee and do attend the AGM next week [Friday]!

Ok.. aku x patut bebel sekarang ni. Esok ada lecture pagi. Tak nak jadik macam tadi lagi. Mata masih tertutup rapi dan badan masih terbaring nyenyak atas katil pukul 9!! Dan ya, lecture sepatutnya pukul 9 :P Takpe, insyaAllah takkan skip lecture lagi. Azam semester baru!!!

Work, work and keep on working!!

photo taken by (¯`·.¸¸.¤*¨¨*¤.๑۩۩۩๑Zey neeep!. This is by far, my favourite photo of all. And the poem that the photographer wrote about is BEAUTIFUL! See, there is still a muslim photographer existed nowadays. Yes, I want to be like them *berangan* :D

p/s: I don't want to hate you. Because I just can't. Ya Allah, permudahkanlah aku melupakan dia..

Supplication.

2008-02-23T07:23:00.000+08:00

AMARAN: Bahasa yang digunakan tidak boleh diguna pakai untuk perkara2 formal.

Initial Mode: Homesick. HOMESICK.

Next week nak masuk week 5 dah. Week 5? Second semester? Nak habis first year dah? BIG YES.

Rasa macam baru semalam sampai UK. Rasa macam baru semalam tengok muka mum and dad in person. Rasa macam baru semalam aku main kejar2 dgn nazme. Rasa macam baru semalam aku dengki effa sampai dia nangis. Rasa macam baru semalam aku dengar suara baby zarif. Rasa macam baru semalam aku pergi breakfast makan roti canai dengan mum and angah aya. Rasa macam baru semalam aku bakar ayam bbq kat rumah masa birthday dad, abg n0rm@n dengan angah aya. Semuanya rasa macam baru semalam. SEMALAM.

[1] By the time! [2] Lo! Man is in a state of loss. (103:1-2)

Terlalu banyak benda yg berlaku yang buat aku terfikir. Buat aku fikir sampai tak larat nak fikir dah. Buat aku fikir sampai taknak fikir apa2 dah. Buat aku fikir sampai nak give up je. Buat aku fikir sampai aku rasa nak balik Malaysia dan tak nak duk Leicester dah. Buat aku fikir sampai aku terfikir benda2 merepek yg lain. Ya, syaitan memang tak pernah putus asa untuk menyesatkan anak2 nabi adam a.s.

[62] .. If you will grant me respite till the Day of Resurrection I shall uproot the whole of his progeny except only a few. [63] .. [64] Tempt with your call all whom you wish... and seduce them with rosy promises - and Satan's promise is nothing but a deception. (17:62-64)

Orang kata, bila berjauhan dengan family, kita tend to buat benda sesuka hati. Tapi.. kenapa aku sedikit pun tak terasa nak buat benda sesuka hati? Kenapa aku rasa setiap benda yang aku buat aku kena bagitau mum dgn dad dulu? Kenapa even sesuatu benda yang 'mesti' aku buat pun aku tak berani nak buat melainkan mum n dad bagi green light? Kenapa aku rasa sangat dependant on family sampai aku tak percaya kat orang lain kat sini? Kenapa aku rasa orang yang betul2 faham aku tak wujud kat bumi UK tapi semuanya kat bumi Malaysia (fine.. dan Ireland juge :P)? Kenapa aku banyak songeh dan banyak soal? Kenapa aku ni ngada2 sangat? Hahaha.. psycho nye la aku ni. Huhu.. Kenapa itu dan kenapa ini?

[30].. He said: "Surely I know what you do not know." (2:30)

Suatu ketika dahulu, aku dapat satu ujian emosi yang cukup hebat dariNya. Mungkin hebat bagi aku adalah yang paling cikai bagi orang2 hebat yang diuji olehNya yang lain. Tapi, sungguh hebat sampai mampu mengubah aku daripada seorang gadis yang agak naif (in a not very good way, if you get what I mean) sampai la jadi seorang gadis yang matang (dan ayu.. ewah.. Haha berangan ape sorg2 ni?). Dalam satu bulan Ramadhan dulu, hampir tiap2 hari aku doa kat Allah supaya bagi aku jawapan kepada ujian tu. Tapi atas kuasaNya, sampai sekarang aku tak dapat jawapan tu lagi. Tapi aku tak putus asa berdoa. Even, apa yang aku doa dulu adalah yang sebalik apa yang aku doa sekarang. Faham ke bahasa aku yang low-standard ni? Tapi tak kisah la. Aku hampir2 putus asa tapi, putus asa tu tak membantu langsung. Memang doa itulah the only senjata yang lagi hebat dari segala senjata nuclear ever existed on Earth yang mampu buat aku kuat untuk terus depend upon Him.

[39] All praise be to Allah Who, despite my old age, has given me Ishmael and Isaac. Surely my Lord hears all prayers. (14:39)

Minggu ni adalah minggu 'Islamic Awareness Week' yang di organise oleh Leicester Univ punya islamic society. Semalam aku pergi satu talk yang diberi oleh Syeikh Jih@ni kalau tak silap. Kalau silap, minta maaf la ye. Tajuk talk tu adalah 'Recognising God'. Bila speaker tu masuk hall je, aku rasa macam ada satu aura yang buat aku rasa nak nangis. Sejuk hati tengok muka ustad tu. Bercahaya muka ustad tu. Itula kelebihan yang Allah bagi kat ustad tu. Dan memang betul, ustad tu sangat2 la inspiring. Dan hampir semua non-muslim audience bagi komen "You are blessed. You inspire me." Dah nak masuk enam bulan aku duduk Leicester dan dah nak masuk sembilan bulan since I last went to E$Q, ustad ni berjaya buat aku menitiskan sedikit kaca yang berharga. Nasib baik bawak tissue. Haha.. SubhanAllah, AllahuAkbar, seorang perempuan mat saleh masuk Islam. Betapa cantik asma' Allah Al-Hadiyy, The Guide itu.

[15] People of the Book! Now Our Messenger has come to you: he makes clear to you a good many things of the Book which you were wont to conceal, also passes over many things. There has now come to you a Light from Allah, and a Clear Book [16] through which Allah shows to all who seek to please Him the paths leading to safety. He brings them out, by His leave, from darkness to Light and directs them on to the Straight Way. (5:15-16)

Ntahla. Tiba2 aku rasa macam nak join je E$Q team pegi USA. Fine, jauh sangat USA tu. Nak ikut pegi Holland la. Tinggalkan UK sementara, yang banyak sangat 'cubaan' untuk menyatukan umat Islam tapi sesama sendiri tak memahami antara satu sama lain. Sesama sendiri ada perception yang tidak menyenangkan. Siapa tahu mana lagi boleh aku lari dan pergi ke suatu tempat yang boleh membuka mata aku lebih luas? Bulan? Matahari? Pluto?

Final mode: Rupa2nya aku merindui Dia lebih dari yang lain :'(

photo taken by J. A.

O Allah, have Mercy on all the Muslimeen, and guide them. Guide me O Allah, and guide my parents, my siblings, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my nephews and nieces and so forth. O Allah, I ask You to strengthen my iman and those around me. I ask You to soften my heart and to soften the hearts of the Believers. O Allah, forgive me for my shortcomings, for only You are Perfect. O Allah, Please Forgive me if I ever got too wrapped in a matter that I didn't have the time to utter Your Name. Amiin ya Rabbal 'Aalamiin.

p/s: aku masih belum bersedia untuk publicise blog ni. This is still my personal blog. Not for public reading. Tapi kalau aku dah dapat ilham untuk come out with 'another' blog, untuk tatapan ramai, I will let you (whoever you are) know :)

p/p/s: bak kata tak-ingat-siapa, kalau orang dah kahwin n dah ada rumah semua, boleh bagi hadiah ni. AKU NAK!! bukan!! bukan nak kahwin. aku nak hadiah ni :) Cuba tengok kat GALLERY. Modern dan cantik ok! Yang aku nak is under PRE-EMINENT RANGE, no 14:£55. Takde la mahal sangat. Hehe :P

One Step Forward

2008-02-21T01:03:00.002+08:00

It's at the bottom of the entry :)

Tak kisah la dia buat koleksi peribadi ke, ape ke but the appreciation tu yg buat aku terharu sebenarnye. Huhu.. Trima kasih!!

De Nile

2008-02-20T10:13:00.006+08:00

“You know how it feels if you begin hoping for something that you want desperately badly; you almost fight against the hope because it is too good to be true; you’ve been disappointed so often before.”

And now, I’m fighting with myself against whatever that happens to come into my way, just when it was supposed to be over long ago. But I’m not complaining though. I admit that I’ve sacrificed a lot for it but I guess He is directing me into another channel of solution. I don’t want to create any ‘fighting field’ especially within myself but if I didn’t, it would drag me into a much chaotic situation [emotionally] and I have had enough of it. I’m just wondering when it’s going to end. I’m not questioning what He has had for me, what He has destined me for but I just hope I could be a little bit patient and try to accept everything as it is. Probably the treatment for this chronic internal ailment is actually being open. Acceptance. And pretence is definitely no longer having its position in the play this time around. I’m trying. I really am. He knows it. He understands it. He’s testing me. And I know He has the answer to everything. So, there’s no point of me going around looking for uncertainties. Because at the end of the day, it’s Him who holds the certainties.

My exam results had just been announced last Friday. Alhamdulillah, praise be to only Him. I’ve got something more than anyone could give. I really don’t know how to describe the feelings I had when I got my eyes on the notice board where the results were being put up. My mum and sisters were here last winter break and all I had for my revision was only one week, just after they went back to Malaysia. One week!! Can you imagine that? Whereas my other friends had more than that but not all of them got as what I expected them to get. I'm not bragging or not even near to belittling anyone whatsoever. I know it’s His job to determine this and that, I’m not saying otherwise but you can just sense the presence of other ‘invisible hands’ [no, this is not economics :P] that actually helped you through especially when you least expected it. I don’t know how to say it but… without those ‘invisible hands’ I would no way stand at where I am now.

Oh well.. I’m not going to ‘bebel’ now because it’s 2.30am already and I have a lecture tomorrow and my new semester resolution is to not miss any lecture :P t0k rim@u dah pesan dulu. Huhu.. So, till then..

photo taken by n@ili.

"De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt. But it's a freaking ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"

O Allah! Make my tongue full of Your remembrance, and my heart with consciousness of You.

Of locking it up..

2008-02-14T08:04:00.000+08:00

A day before yesterday. I planned to get into bed by 9.30pm. But I switched off the light at 11++pm.

Yesterday. I planned to get into bed by 9.30pm. But I slept at 12.15am.

Today. I plan to get into bed by 9.30pm. But it’s 11.56pm already and I’m still awake.

And everyday. I wake up as early as 5am and as late as 6am. As a result of that, I’ve been having headache these few days and it just gets worse. The only way to deal with it is by taking panadols. I don’t want to get myself too dependent on pills and tablets. But I have no choice. And tomorrow, I’m going to have another ‘Health in Community’ activity. I can only just keep my fingers crossed that they’ll let us go by 4. Sangat tak larat. Sob2..

However. On a brighter note:

“hi there

im publishing a book on malaysia (celebrating & showcasing her positively).. and am getting opinions/ contributions.

we would like to request if you would like to share this photo to be featured?

the photo is still yr copyright.

as a token, we will acknowledge you (& yr blog/ site if any) below yr photo.

looking to hear from you.

ps: you can also tell us yr feeling when you took this photo, or your opinion on it - what you like : or find it unique ;)

do also give yr name, location, hobby + blog/ website (if any).

thanks :)” – a random guy from flickr.

I’m flattered and absolutely honoured, really. I’ve never thought I would be proposed with such prestigious offer. I mean, the highest stage I thought I can go is just to see my picture on the Explore. Not to be put in a published book! But, guess that’s just some hit-and-miss affairs that you can’t really expect to come about. It’s such a pleasure, really. It has been quite a while since I last snapped photos apart from the same views of sky and sunset. I just can’t wait for my Prague trip this easter, insyaAllah *grin*.

So, that’s about it. Till then.. Salam..

Photo taken by photo_quit.

“There’s nothing to wait for and it’s just a waste of time to wait for uncertainties. And I’m very grateful for having such guts and willpower to let everything go. Because somehow or another, I have faith in Him and I know, if He doesn’t give me what I want now, He’ll give me later. Or He’ll grant me with something better. And I believe that he knows that too. All that he does not know is how much I’ve sacrificed for everything. Never thought of telling him that and he does not even have to know because everything is over… Everything is over now.” - Looking forward to tomorrow. BUT UNFORTUNATELY..

It’s not over.
Just yet.
I surrender.
I want to lock up my heart.
And throw away the key.
Because I don't need it anymore.
I don’t want to be chased anymore.
I don’t want to be in the game anymore.
I don’t want to be the person whom I used to be anymore.
I don’t want to let him influence my life anymore.
Because I don’t think I’m strong enough.
To be hurt.
Again..

Lets Change The World

2008-02-04T05:56:00.000+08:00

I’m too exhausted to update. I had quite an interesting weekend and I would really really love to share things that I gained from the professionalism workshop that I attended last weekend but my brain can’t really do its job properly at this hour. And I still have some other work that needs to be done before tomorrow. So.. yea, that’s about it.

I would probably leave this blog for a while because I’m going to be a tad busy this week, next week, and next next week and the list goes on. I don’t really know how to describe the vibes I’m currently having but I just hope and pray, that it will keep on that way for as long as it can go. You don’t know what I’m talking about and you don’t have to bother. Crapping is my thing ;P

Anything, just reach me via email.. [bajet mcm ade org nak contact aku je. Ha ha..]

photo taken by wazari.
"You are what you are and where you are because of what has gone into your mind. You can change what you are and where you are by changing what goes into your mind." - Zig Ziglar

Here comes the snow..

2008-01-28T05:13:00.000+08:00

That's all I could give.
You're the shooting star..

Aku..

Sangat..

Takde..

Mood..

Nak..

Update..

Tapi..

Aku..

Nak..

Beremosi..

She's going back to Australia tomorrow. I wonder when we could hang out, catch up on each other, and do things like what best friends always do. Although she's moved to bangi, we're still continentally apart, and have different term and holiday dates. And by that I mean, we'll never get to see each other until God-knows-when.

photo taken by picture.girl.

"I know you’re with me, through and through, in every shooting star." Miss u, izy =)

P/S: Happy 2nd Birthday, Effa!!!!! Mak Na miss u like crazy!! :P

Every Single Thing..

2008-01-24T10:41:00.000+08:00

I talked to a friend the other day..

“Have you ever had something that you really treasure, something that you think it’s yours but it’s just not..”

For example, let’s say you’ve been eyeing on this one particular camera, say, a brand new cybershot by sony. You’ve been dreaming to have a digital camera of your own so you started to save some money from your monthly allowance. After a few months, you used the money that you have saved to get the camera for yourself. Just a few weeks after that, your camera got stolen. And you have thousands of photos that you have not uploaded into your laptop. First, you lost all those memorable pictures. Second, you lost the camera which was bought using your money that you have saved for months. How would you feel?

I don’t know why I suddenly started to think about so MANY MANY things. And what’s worrying me is, I thought about my future. Yes, thinking about your future is absolutely dangerous. Ok, fine. It’s good to plan ahead and have your future sketched in your mind to at least give you some sort of encouragement to keep on moving but sometimes, thinking those crappy things makes you go nuts and you just forget how everything has actually been planned by Him and you have by no means no power to interrupt even into your own life. I don’t want to talk about mission and vision. I just want to find my bearings, get into reality and just go on with this life and let it walk on its own pace.

“Have you had any road not taken in your life so far?” asked a friend of mine.

“Yes. Choosing between Nottingham and Leicester was not as simple as it seemed.”

“Perasan tak, kadang2 benda yang kita nak dari dulu, tapi bila dah dapat, kita rasa x puas. Sedangkan ramai lagi orang lain yang nak benda yang kita dah dapat..”

Yes. Humans have always been greedy and desirous of everything they want. And they never feel grateful.

Things have been tough. Life has not been any easier. Medicine has always been psychologically challenging. I’m aware of those obstacles that I need to face but sometimes; I just don’t have the confidence to confront them. I’m too inferior to let my courage take control over everything. I might not even have the guts within myself. I have more and more exams to sit for even after I graduate and God knows how hard those exams are. I have a family to think about. I have [or might not have] a future family of my own to weigh up. I have endless expectations to meet. And now, I’m saddled with financial problems. I’m fearful with something called ‘life’. I keep asking myself “Why do I need to experience this?” “Why am I here?” “What am I really searching in this life?”

“Tau tak @zh, kita rasa seronok sangat tangkap2 gambar dgn camera kita tu. I’m enjoying taking pictures. Tapi kadang2 rasa mcm camera tu boleh hilang bila2 je..”

I came to realise that we always think everything that we possess in our life is ours.

“That’s MY new car..”

“This is OUR new house..”

“This is MY brand new Nikon D70s camera..”

"This is MY boyrfriend.."

"This is MY degree, MY PhD.."

You didn’t steal anyone’s money to buy the camera. You saved your own money. But He could still take it back from you because everything in this life is not yours. The money, the camera, is not meant to be yours. E.V.E.R.Y S.I.N.G.L.E T.H.I.N.G in this world is His. But we are always concealing ourselves in our own world of lies and forget the real truth. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong to use the word 'MY' in our daily life but just remember that it won't be yours forever.

We always get busy reaching our future when we don’t even know we could make it until that very moment of what we call a ‘future’. Ask yourself “What do I want in this life” and you will never get yourself satisfied. You’re killing yourself, scratching your head thinking about uncertainties when the only person who knows E.V.E.R.Y S.I.N.G.L.E T.H.I.N.G that lies ahead of you is Him. But we always forget who we are. We always forget to ask for His guidance in the darkness of this path called ‘life’. We always think what we want but we never consider what He wants. We ask him this and that, but we never do things that He asks us to do. We want to be, in my case, a doctor, but we never want to be what He wants us to be. So, what do we really want in this life?

For the moment, I just want to zzZZZzzzZZzzZzz..

photo taken by rockstro.

[#22: Fear Allah only; not the people nor anything else]

"Let not any one of you belittle himself. They said: O Messenger of Allah, how can any one of us belittle himself? He said: He finds a matter concerning Allah about which he should say something, and he does not say [it], so Allah (mighty and sublime be He) says to him on the Day of Resurrection: What prevented you from saying something about such-and-such and such-and-such? He say: [It was] out of fear of people. Then He says: Rather it is I whom you should more properly fear."

It was related by Ibn Majah with a sound chain of authorities.
Text copied from Al-Nasir's 40 Hadith Qudsi Software v1.0, www.DivineIslam.com

Wallahu'alam..

p/s: Don't worry, MY kekasih hati masih setia di sisiku :D

Something to share..

2008-01-19T01:09:00.000+08:00

I almost did something stupid today. Well, not that ‘really’ stupid. But it was stupid. I was getting myself a mug of coffee and I inadvertently took my pepper mill and almost ground it into my coffee! Err ok fine. It doesn’t sound that thrilling but I don’t care. I don’t do that kind of accident. But yea, accidents come almost unexpectedly all the time. And ow yea, it was my eighth mug since last night. I know I sound like killing myself with over consumption of caffeine but that’s the only way to keep myself awake. But apparently, it doesn’t keep me sane. Sigh..

But anyways.. Remember the psycho guy that I talked about the other day? Aku kenal dia dari planet Pluto. Tak kisah la.. x penting.. but he’s a freelance photographer and we used to share tips n stuff. Then he added me on ym and we chatted once. But he didn’t behave himself. He talked crap and I don’t compromise my respect to people who disregard others. So I deleted off his ym. Bengang mmg bengang tp takpela, sabar je la kan.

Then he added me again and apologised profusely like he had nothing else to do. Sebab kesian, fine, aku maafkan laa tp mcm malas nak layan sgt sbb.. takde sebab.. saje suka2.. Then he started to get into his personal stuff. He broke up with his girlfriend. And he couldn’t accept it. Dia mengadu kat aku. Tapi bila aku ckp something, which was intended to encourage or support him in any way, dia tak boleh terima. Dia kate aku x tau cerita sebenar so takyah sebok2. Like…. What thaaaaa??? Siapa yg start dulu?? Lelaki.. mmg ego. But anyhow…

Tapi sbb aku risau tgk lelaki mcm dia, yg dah sayang sangat kat prmpuan tu, yg mcm nak bunuh diri tu, aku pun cuba la tolong setakat yg termampu. Yg penting, mula2 aku x rasa aku ada ‘fikrah’ yg sama dengan mamat ni, if you get what I mean. Nanti kalau aku ckp “insaflah, pulanglah ke pangkal jalan.. ingatlah Allah tu sentiasa ada… blab la bla..” nnt kena maki hamun lagi so aku ckp benda2 biasa je la, dengan harapan, dia nampak sendiri the REASON behind all these is to give him a chance to get back on the right track. So, aku biar je dia nak meluahkan prasaan kat aku ke ape ke. Masa dia tgh bebel2 kat ym, aku tgk la youtube ke, buat notes on cartilage and bone ke. Har har.. Jahat kan? Tak kisah laa.. Dan rupa2nya, dia dibuat orang. So dia pegi berubat. Fine..

Lepastu, sejak akhir2 ni, die mcm dah berubah pulak. Selalu pulak nak share doa2 dgn aku. Baru hari tu dia suruh aku dengar lagu jiwang ape ntah, skrg nak bg doa pulak. Hmm.. ini sudah lain ni. Takdela aku nak kata dia jahat and nak bersangka buruk ke ape.. tak langsung.. tp the person I knew was not like who he is now. Tapi aku senyap je laa.. Malas nak ckp pape. Mmg tak pernah nak bring up any story pun sbb malas dah. Lepastu, tadi aku tulis benda pelik kat status ym. Pastu die buzz..

XY: grey matter, u mean
deyna rashid: does it make any difference?
deyna rashid: ahah.. whatever
XY: err
deyna rashid: my brain cant function very well at the mo
deyna rashid: *puke*
XY: occey..someone is going crack already
XY: kenapa ni sis? whats up?
XY: exam next week is it?
deyna rashid: hermmm nothing.. i;ve been locking myself in my room doing nothing else but studying.. since last week
deyna rashid: n the exams are in two days' time
deyna rashid: but i'm not sure if i could stand the waiting moment anymore
deyna rashid: haih..
XY: i can teach u something
XY: but u need to be willing on it and believe it
XY: ada bran?
deyna rashid: oh my god.. i just hope it wont put me into insanity
deyna rashid: haha
XY: u sana what time?
XY: as in what time is it now?
deyna rashid: 311 pm
deyna rashid: and its been raining all day
deyna rashid: n its going to maghrib at 4+
XY: ok..rain is a good time for u to pray
deyna rashid: the weather really doesnt help
XY: tunggu lepas isya'
XY: masuk isya' nanti sembahyang macam biasa
XY: wait
XY: can u pray?
deyna rashid: i guess.. for now yes
XY: occey
XY: lepas semayang
XY: baca bismillahi..lepas tu selawat nabi tujuh kali
XY: lepas tu deyna mintak apa2..make sure 7 perkara, lebih tak apa
XY: n make sure deyna cakap sampai dengar di telinga..jgn baca dalam hati
XY: lepas cakap semua permintaan tu...cakap ya Allah, sampaikanlah hajatku, dan makbulkanlah doaku.
deyna rashid: ooow ok.. good tips
XY: lepas tu sedekahkan fatihah sekali
XY: dah. lepas tu insya allah hilang rasa gemuruh
XY: nanti lepas buat, bgtau mi k ape rasanya
deyna rashid: thanx a lot xxxxx.. i really appreciate that
XY: kalau nak elok lagi
XY: kan
XY: deyna amik segelas air masak
XY: lepas semayang tu deyna baca 7 kali selawat
XY: deyna baca ni: Bismillahi. Ya Allah yang aku sembah, sempurnakanlah pelajaranku, berkatilah pengajianku, cemerlangkanlah peperiksaanku, dan tenangkanlah hati aku (nama Deyna binti nama emak) dengan berkat doa lailahaillallah muhammadarrasulullah
XY: hembus tiga kali pada air
deyna rashid: nama emak?
XY: minum pada teguk yang ganjil la..jgn teguk sekali pulak
XY: haah. nama emak
deyna rashid: ok
XY: memang..slalu orang ckp untuk talkin je
XY: tak
XY: nama emak tu menambahkan baiknya
XY: insya Allah la

Hmm.. not bad. Tapi nyesal pulak ckp “.. i just hope it wont put me into insanity”. Hah hah.. ye la, dia selalu nak peningkan pale otak aku je. Tak sangka pulak dah jadik baik. Alhamdulillah laa..

Now, aku buknla nak kata apa tp aku curious sikit bab2 ni. I mean, so far takdela pulak dia suruh baker kertas yg ada ayat quran ke, celup kertas yg ada ayat quran then minum air tu ke. Takdela.. tapi.. curious la jugak. Ye la, aku mana laa handal n berilmu sangat dalam bab2 ni. Tapi, tak salah pun kalau buat. Elok je.. So, tu laa.. Saja je nak share. Because bak kata maim0t, dan seluruh dunia, “Sharing is Caring..” :D

Okeh.. gotta get back to my books! Selamat!~

picture taken by el7bara

[#33: Awareness of Allah's Mercy]

"A servant [of Allah's] committed a sin and said: O Allah, forgive me my sin. And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for them. Then he sinned again and said: O Lord, forgive me my sin. And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for them. Then he sinned again and said: O Lord, forgive me my sin. And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for sins. Do what you wish, for I have forgiven you."

It was related by Muslim (also by al-Bukhari).

(Text copied from Al-Nasir's 40 Hadith Qudsi Software v1.0, www.DivineIslam.com)

Wallahu'alam..

p/s: Hai @zhreen :)

Feeling Good :)

2008-01-16T07:36:00.001+08:00

You know what’s the best thing to feel? A feeling that you’d never be able to describe how beautiful it is and a satisfaction that only one particular smile can tell?

I used to be a person who hates people easily. I used to have bad judgments on people and let the detestation grow frenziedly from within. And one way to channel it away is of course through this blog. I wrote bad things about people I hate like nobody’s business.

However, was it more by luck than judgment, those people I wrote about found out those entries. Well, as devastated as I should have expected them to be, I regretted it until now. I was very embarrassed with myself and I just didn’t have anything else to back me up. That was when my bad karma was repaid. And I really deserved it.

Anyways, thankfully there is still a good side in me who wanted to go for a change. I was not sure when but I somehow submitted myself to a change, and being someone better. Rasanya lepas pergi E$Q kot, baru la faham, siapa la aku nak benci2 orang, nak dendam2 dgn org sedangkan diri sendiri banyak dosa, mungkin dengan orang lain tp semestinya dengan Allah. Sedangkan Allah pun Maha Pengampun, siapa la aku tanak maafkan kesalahan org lain kan?

Then, slowly, the loathing started to fade away. And I could finally accept everyone as they are and not anyone else. Now, the hatred is gone, and Alhamdulillah, the love is stepping into the light and all I want is too see those people smile and be happy.

Two days ago, I got a bad news from my bro. His friend’s grandmother passed away. “She was crying when I called her..” and the grief just suddenly ate me from inside and there I was, thinking about the totally opposite feeling than I used to sense over this fella long ago. Well, she knows I used to hate her but the way she treats me makes me hate myself even more because she is really a nice person. I felt sorry for her and I felt uneasy myself. I couldn’t sit still and I thought, I had to do something. So I asked S@r@, my 3rd year senior, for her mobile number and I texted her, conveying my condolence and supporting her to be strong.

“Hi dina. Thanx a lot. Hope you’re ok there. Do take care yeah..”

And I felt so relief. And happy. For doing something I’ve never thought of before. And made her feel better. I might not be the reason why she should be strong but at least, I did something good.

And everytime I think about it, I smile to myself. Something might seem so small and insignificant and worthless to one’s eyes but what matters the most, is the other party who wholeheartedly and sincerely gives the best thing to other people. Erti h!dup p@da memberi. It really means the world.

This picture is one of my favourites. Taken by -Dorothea-.

To all first year Leicesterian medics and m@r, I dedicate this gambar cun to all of you, with a message: Good Luck for the exams!! :) Thanx for helping me with studies. Thanx for always be there in the study group. Thanx for supporting each other. May we make this through and succeed with flying colours, insyaAllah :)

Merepek lagi.......

2008-01-13T05:32:00.000+08:00

ijun (12/1/2008 4:20:47 PM): rushdina! anis kate die teringat kat ko. tp bile die msg2 ko, slalu xdek reply.
ijun (12/1/2008 4:24:16 PM): pastu, die suh aku je sampaikan..sobsob..kesiannya die dina. die kate die xde la baik sgt ng ko (boleh juga bermaksud ko xbaik sangat) tp 2,3 minggu ni die teringat kt ko. .pesanan tamat.

Aku sgt sedih bile dpt msg from ijun. Rasa besalah kat @nis. I received her offline message on ym the other day but I totally forgot to reply. I didn't even say 'hye' when she added me on ym. Then, just now she buzzed me again while I was gone for my study group. As far as I’m aware of myself, I’m not that kind of person. I usually reply people’s emails or messages or smses as soon as possible but tak tahu la kenapa sejak akhir2 ni mcm banyak sangat je benda nak buat. Kepala xdela serabut sangat (ke sangat serabut sampai tak faham serabut tu ape?) walaupun nak exam minggu depan tp banyak benda yg berlegar2 dalam kepala otak ni. Tak tahula apanye.. P@m punya message 2 bulan lepas pun x reply lg. dah la dia ada Leicester interview next week. Dengan masalah peribadi budak psycho mane ntah yang aku malas nak layan tp tak sampai hati nak abaikan. Bak kata *n@d, "Sometimes you have to be selfish..". Hmm ntah bila aku mampu jadik ikan, tak tahula. Ya Allah, sabar je la..

Skrg baru pukul 935mlm tp mata dah tak boleh tahan dah. Semalam tido kol 2.30 sbb banyak sgt ambik caffeine n bangun dengan paksa-rela kol 730 dan tak tido smpai skrg. Padahal banyak benda nak kena baca. Masalahnya, kalau otak dah penat sgt, nak push pon x boleh. Ok ok, aku tanak komplen pape. Mungkin ni adalah cara aku utk cope dengan benda lain, whatever that benda lain is.

Oh, and surat cinta aku bagi kat Dr. H@le$ masih belum dibalas. Mcm mana ni? Takkan dia reject aku kot?

Oh, and MARA baru masukkan £650. nak kena bayar 0pal £1261. Mcm mana ni? Nak kena duk dalam kotak bawah jambatan la kot.

Ok, aku dah start merepek. Lebih baik tido..

*mum tak bagi panggil @nid sebab maksud @nid dalam bahasa arab ialah keras kepala. SANGAT!!!

Kata2 semangat from anis utk aku, utk esok hari sbb malam ni dah x larat nak keep awake: "And whoever fear Allah-He will make for him a way out.".. Thanx Anis *hugs* :)

p/s: Ni adalah my first attempt on zoom blurring effect. As what the photo says, I NEED TO FOCUSSS!!!!

pp/s: HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY QIL@H!! :)

O Allah! There is nothing easy except what You make easy, and You make the difficult easy if it be Your Will. Amiinn..

They're Gone..

2008-01-09T13:46:00.000+08:00

It seems like this is the first entry of the Gregorian and Islamic year. Starting off with some emotional and poignant entry couldn't be any worse, could it? Yea, my mum and sisters are gone back home, and leave me all alone.. again. I've never been this bad before. It's just so empty. Incomplete. And lonely. Never thought homesickness could be this painful. This is the worse state I've ever been ever since I came to Leicester. Missing my mum, anid and icah. Missing the sound of merriment. Missing the time spent together. Missing every single bit of it. I know things are now back to normal and I can't have everything I want. But it's just so hard for me to move on. Just so.. hard.

Now I'm in no mood to make this entry draggy and boring and I have my exams in less than two weeks from now and God knows how far things are ahead of me. But He knows as well, how struggling I was to keep everything on pace. Now all I need is strength from Him. And prayers from all of you.

SALAM MAAL HIJRAH.

The Verity Of Judgment

2007-12-31T12:26:00.000+08:00

“It’s not wrong to have feelings because they are meant for human beings. Being able to feel means being a normal person. The problem with it is, it doesn’t always happen at the right time..”

0113am 291207 Room124, Berj@y@ Eden H0tel, L0nd0n.

Wowwee.. it has been almost 3 years of blogging now. It’s Dec 29 already and by the time I key this in it would probably be the last day of the year 2007. ‘How time flies so fast’. That’s the most often used quote I’ve ever had for this year and probably for some more years to come. I know it’s quite late for me to merepek at right this hour but I just have so many things in head that need to be let out, kalau tak mmg tak boleh tido. Since I left my camera at Leicester and I’m in no access to surf the net for any blog update, I had no choice but to grab a pen and this piece of paper and started crapping like normal. Hehe..

Anyways, it has been two weeks of holiday already and I have two weeks left before the hols end and 3 weeks away to my exam (&^%$#@#$%^&*!!!!!). The reason why I really dislike long holidays is, the moment it ends is much much worse than having no holiday at all. Seriously. I’d rather have at least 5-day break than having 5 weeks off. I’ve been trying to cope with it ever since I was in college but nothing seems to be quite helpful. But I really have no choice and have to live with it as it is.

Now I’m back in this old little place called Leicester. Despite the dreadful feelings I have over long holidays, the Ireland-London trip was what I really needed after 3 months of the so-called ‘new life’ in Leicester though I have to go through without my kekasih hati beside. Sob2..

Cork and Ireland as a whole was SANGAT BEST!!!! Even though I couldn’t join my friends to a programme in Dublin and a trip to Turkey, I really had a superb time of my own with mum, anid, icah n lupi. I really don’t know how to describe every single detail of my trip because I’m a real hopeless in describing things but all in all, I really LOVED so much and I was really glad to receive such warm and pleasant hospitality from the people.

I had the chance to meet Malaysian doctors who have been working in Ireland for years. It was quite pressurising when they talked about the no-time-for-yourself situation mostly all the time and all exams they have to sit for. But it was rather inspiring to a further extent especially when they talked about the interesting part of being a doctor and the gains they have got in return. Banyak experience yg diorg share most of which I’ve never heard of before so memang menarik and encouraging sangat2. That’s that part. The scenery kat Ireland pun sangat cantik. Very green, calm, peaceful and beautiful. Memang best la.

Leicester has been a place that I really like too. The people, the M@l@ysian S0ciety, the murah-ness of the standard of living, the med school, my groupmates etc. I really had great 3 months in Leicester. But being a weirdo like me who has a strange psychological needs always demands odd things I rarely got the chance to have. The problem with me is, I can’t keep on staying at one place with the same set of people for a long time. I need to get out of the place and be in another completely different place with different set of people around.

When I was in college, I had my $FC$ friends, fellow bloggers and the E$Q team to distract my mind for a while when my capacity of handling college life reached its max level. But here in Leicester, I hardly have anyone to turn to in that sense. That’s why I was extremely happy when Mr. Tiger dropped me a comment. Rasa mcm alive sikit la hidup. Baru thrill. Poyo la sikit tp betul apa. Heh.. Fortunately mum brought me to Ireland and rescued me from severe depression. Cewah.. But I truly needed that trip and Alhamdulillah, although I really hate to see this moment comes to its end, I’m more than delightful to keep on moving and fight for my dreams.

Actually, I’m still indecisive whether or not to post this entry up but for once, I’m not intending to pretend and lie to myself because this is what I really feel inside. I know it’s quite unfair to say this but if and only if I’ve ever got a chance to choose, I’d rather be in C0rk with lupi and those great people around. I’m a human being and it’s normal to have unlimited desires but I know and I’m aware of the boundaries. I can’t be greedy. I can’t be ungrateful. I can’t be demanding. In fact, everything that I have now is not even mine so yea, I’m more than thankful to be here in Leicester..

I know I’m not a new-year-new-resolutions kind of person. I don’t do resolutions because I have none. But there’s only one thing I really hope I could get a strong grip on for at least one year before I get it renewed next year and that is to have this strong feeling of insights and encouragements and hoping them to last longer than I expected them to be.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, PEOPLE. May you have a great venture into 2008. Ingatlah satu tahun tu ada 365 hari. Dan satu hari ada 24jam. Tak lebih tak kurang. Jadi, gunakanlah sebaik2nye, ok? ;)

“Yet, realising it to take place at the wrong time means you’re still in the verity of judgment..”

P/S: Kalau tak termuntah gak tgk gmbr yg banyak ni, x taula nak cakap ape.

Brief update from Ireland

2007-12-22T16:59:00.000+08:00

Monday 17 Dec - arrived at c0rk at 9.05pm. Lupi rented a car and picked us up at the airport. It was freeeezingly cold that night. Grrrr..

Tuesday 18 Dec - Weather pagi tu sangat best sbb tak sejuk sangat. Bangun lambat sbb masing2 penat travel the day before. Jenjalok kat area Univ College of C0rk. Bangunan2 dia sangat lawa. Med school dia sangat modern. Definitely not like Leicester. Sob2..

Wednesday 19 Dec - Raya haji!!! Smayang raya kat hall apa ntah. Then ada makan2 kat rumah $hid!. He was along ima's collegemate masa A-level kat 0xf0rd. Rumah dia sangat besar dan super best. Makan pun best. Hikhik.. Lpeastu jenjalok kat Kinsale, a very nice fishing village. Sangat lawa and peaceful. Banyak seagull. Kewl gile.. Lepastu bought some groceries kat tesco.

Thursday 20 Dec - Pulled off to Dublin. Lupi yg x pernah2 bawak manual, sangat tabah meng-control stick shift dengan jayanya. Lunch kat rumah fid0 did0, kawan lupi since form 1 kat ST@R sampai la ke KMB. encik peny00 masak sangat best. Lepastu jenjalok kat city centre. Sangat besar dan lawa. Or mungkin aku je yg jakon tgk city yg besar2 ni sbb leicester tu kampung sahaja. Hmm.. Tapi mmg cantik la. Jumpa encik irf@n, my friend masa sekolah rendah! Setelah penat, kembali ke rumah fid0 did0 dan makan dinner plak. Sekali lagi makanan sangat sedap. Lepastu tido tempat n@zi. Seperti biasa beborak dgn n@zi sampai tengah malam. Huhu..

Friday 21 Dec - Breakfast kat rumah kak n0nee and the gang makan nasi lemak. Sangat sedap sehingga tambah sekali lagi. Rumah tu besar dan best. Lepastu kembali ke rumah fid0 did0 utk mengucapkan selamat jalan. Pulang ke c0rk semula dan tiba around 4++pm. Malam tu dinner kat flat encik Kuc@!. Ada kawan Pi ni, doc sy!r@ baru dapat kerja so dia belanja kitorg makan pizza n chinese food yg sangat sedap. Beborak dgn mereka2 semua. Oh ya, encik $h@kur, my senior kat college dulu pun ada. Kawan2 pi yg lain ialah cik lin, encik kuc@! yg sangat pelik dan kelakar, dan encik fred. I was really enjoying myself with them around.

Basically that was it. It may sound "Waaaaah, seronok laaa!" but deep down, I was very very disappointed. Know why? Because I didn't bring my D70s!!!!!!!!!!!! Memang menangis tak berlagu. Kiciwa gile. Haritu la kelam kabut nak pegi train station kat leicester smpai terlupa bawak kekasih hati. Sedih betul. Tapi takpela, Ireland is a very nice place and the people (as in kawan2 lupi) sumenye sangat baik. Datang sini mmg makan adalah satu pekerjaan wajib. Jadi hatiku pun gumbiraaa. Huhu.. Gambar? Hmm.. yg stok2 flickr takdela. Yg gmbr2 pose sume tak upload lagi, maleh :P Nanti2 laa.. Ni nak pergi study jap, ade exam laa bulan depan!!!!! Sob2..

What is it so funny?

2007-12-13T04:48:00.000+08:00

I can’t stop myself from smiling. And to be honest, I’m really not sure why.

I missed my lecture this morning. Again. I swear I really wanted to go. I slept late last night just to get my lecture notes edited and printed. And I know immunology is not a subject I could learn by sleeping. I heard my alarm clock gone off one hour before the lecture, hoping I could read through the notes beforehand and didn’t go blur and sleepy in the lecture but my subconscious mind somehow managed to turn it off and all I knew I was still in bed when the hands of my watch pointed at 9 and 6! Ok fine, I missed Dr. H@le$ lecture!! It’s Dr. H@le$ people!! My favourite lecturer!! Ahah..

But I went to the next lecture though. At 11.00pm. And lucky me, it was Dr. H@le$ presented the talk *big smile* He told us about his Greek geeky friends used to call him ‘Ha-les’ [macam pronounce dalam malay] instead of ‘Haels’ and that brought us, the malay students to call him Dr. Kh@lis!! Hah hah.. Sangat cuteee :D Then at 12.30, I got histology practical pulak. And Dr. H@le$ again!! Oh, what a happy day.. I asked him a question about the nervous system and he looked at me with a smile on his face and said very softly and gently “I’m sorry Rushdina, I’m not sure. I really don’t know. Maybe you should ask Dr. X [tak igt nama doc tu. Heh..]..” and I went “Oh, it’s ok doc..” smiling, as wide as I can. Oh, hatiku sangat berbunga2 melihat Dr. H@le$ tersenyum dan menyebut namaku!!!!! Hah hah hah.. And that made me smile.

Ok, cut it off. Forget about Dr. H@le$ and my lameness. I’m a bit mixed up and I need to find a way to entertain myself. Yep, by being lame!! Oh, I’m so pathetic. I know.

Mum, @nid n ic@h are on their way now. I’m going to pick them up at the train station tomorrow. I really forgot that I have a tutorial session with my personal tutor tomorrow but I would no way leave my family waiting at the train station after hours of journey so I’ve emailed my tutor about me not being able to attend the session tomorrow. I’m quite disappointed in a way though, because after all these months and after one semester passes me by, I’ve never met my personal tutor in person. But yea, family comes first :) And I’m really looking forward to meeting them. It just makes me smile..

I just found out that someone is kinda hiding from me. Well, I don’t know how to put it in the right words but I somehow know that this one fella, actually appear offline to me on ym! Hmm.. Adakah aku ni hantu yg akan memakannya hidup2? Mungkin. Adakah aku ni org gila yg akan mengganggu dan menghantui hidupnya? Mungkin. Whatever it is, it’s none of my bizz and why should I care a toss? He/she didn’t cause me any harm, did he/she? But that’s kinda funny. Hehe.. And thinking about me who used to appear offline to this fella, it makes me smile..

Yesterday, I had a Pe0ple and disease seminar. I’m kinda disappointed with myself. I don’t know in what way but I just am. Haih.. And that makes me smile as well.

Then I stumbled upon a blog. A blog. I mean, a blog. Have I said it’s a blog? Yes, it’s a blog. No, there’s nothing so special about it but I knew the blogger. An old man. Hahaha.. No no, I mean, an old friend. It was a very long time ago and I should have abandoned all those not so sweet memories behind. Well not that I didn’t try but I guess I just need something to hammer my head and wake me up in a reality. But it was kinda funny. I don’t know which part but I did laugh you know, so it must be something funny. No, I didn’t leave any footstep or else I’d shoot my head to death. And thinking about all my stupid actions and words and everything, it makes me smile..

Talking about death, I talked to a friend [ex-friend? Is there any such thing?] few days back. He has always wanted to do medicine but he didn’t make through and he’s now doing engineering in somewhere on this globe. I told him; being a doctor is not always something to be happy about. One thing I don’t like about medicine is I’m going to deal with death, like it or not. Well, it’s very important to be a sensitive doctor who could convey their empathy to the patients but it’s not so good to be a VERY sensitive doctor who could easily get emotionally involved with the patients because it would put her out. And inconvenience is not a good thing while working especially when you’re a doctor. This lad told me; “Well, back off and try look back when you first decided to be a doctor. Death is inevitable. It’s not the reason why you can’t be a doctor. You’ve got this chance and you’re not gonna waste it. Think about people like me who’ve worked our ass off to be in your position but didn’t even get a chance..” Yep, he's right. And thinking about the guy, whom I talked about in my previous entry, it makes me smile.. Believe it or not, we had a falling-out later on. Hehe klakar..

I’m sorry with this emotional and crazy entry. You can call me a psycho if you want but I’m really trying here. Winter break is approaching [Yeay!!~] and mum’s coming [double yeay!!!] and my first semester of medicine is ending [yeay yeay yeay!]. I should be happy. I MUST be happy.

Now, I’m smiling again. But this time round, I know why. I just miss my family :)

Flickr.Expl0re used to be my favourite website. It was a must-surf site. I gained a lot of inspiration out of it and always got awestrucked by the pictures. But as of I got my D70s, I started to put it aside and started to indulge myself with my own ideas. But when I came across this photo, I just don't understand why it didn't get put in the Flickr.Expl0re. It's been quite a while since I last put up photo snapped by others. And this one here, is super beautiful. The editing, the angle, the compo, I just LURVEEE it!! Credits go to the photog!! *applause*

Now, everything makes me want to smile now. Don't get me wrong, smiling is a good thing. Not that I hate it, but I'm afraid it means something else. Hah hah.. Ok, I need to stop crapping and get back to my assignment. It's H@dp0p tomorrow! Yeay!!~

O Sun, Where Art Thou?

2007-12-09T08:09:00.000+08:00

It’s been raining and cloudy all day. Not seeing the Sun for a day is quite depressing to be honest. But I have to get used to it. People always say, ‘it’s all in your mind. Your mind controls everything.’ Oh well, I’m not quite sure about that but I think it’s true, to some extents. I just don’t think it’s true when this moody weather could actually affect my emotions, no matter how hard I struggled to keep myself ecstatic and joyful because it didn’t quite work.

I have a problem with my accommodation since my sponsor amended their policy on our allowance especially when they abolished the 60:40 policy. Not to be lucky, I was sort of designated to stay in a deluxe room, a more expensive room, even though my application form stated standard room. Have I had no choice, I proceeded with the agreement and I have to pay extra £300+ in total, for 42 weeks (or in easier words, until I finish my first year study) which obviously too much, though I got to enjoy the space and the luxury. So I appealed to get a room transfer, from deluxe to standard room. It has been 3 months since I sent in the form and only to receive the reply from the accommodation office two days ago.

I was quite excited in the first place when I got the email. But I also had the thought of not carrying on the plan at the back of my mind. Ye la, nak kena repack n re-unpack barang, nak kena tukar alamat bank and whatnot, it’s a hell of a job really. But just thinking about the extra money that I have to pay, I compelled myself to go on with the plan. So I viewed the room, and the flat as a whole. The room was ok, just as what I expected though the flat was a tad bising with lagu yg dipasang dgn kuatnye. But the kitchen on the other hand was very disappointing. It was horribly filthy and stank to high heaven. I immediately decided to not move into that misery. Just as I was depressed with my financial state, I don’t think things would be any better if I moved into the room with messy kitchen. So yea, I really need to keep my head above water now. Sigh..

And not enough with that, I have other problems with this one chap pulak. Haih.. no, I’m not intending to mengeluh or mengadu kat sesape so I won’t write anything about it here. But I’m really emotionally affected right now and I can’t think straight anymore. Tadi ada study group and I was supposed to present two topics (G6PD deficiency and PKU) but I was terribly messed up. I didn’t prepare anything until 30 minutes before the session. Teruk gile perangai. I know it was my fault. And I’m really disappointed with myself. Kesian kat diorg td sbb aku mcm gelabah n tahpape je tadi. Haih..

However I’m feeling right now, I just hope things would be gone by tomorrow. I seriously need to study before the break next week. I HAVE TO!~ Bertahan dina!!~ Say NO to distractions! Yeah!~

Dear stranger.. sorry for everything n anything. I was not supposed to take it personally but I couldn’t help it. I was and still am in the middle of recovering from my emotional ailment when you came into scene. So it was quite hard for me to pretend like nothing happened. I PROMISE you I would find my bearings and get my head straight and I hope the same thing in return. I hope everything ends here and things would go back to normal. No hard feelings, ok? I'm so sorry..

The World Is Shrinking! II

2007-12-06T05:59:00.000+08:00

The world is shrinking yet even more!! Huhu..

I don’t want to sound so jakun but I can’t help it! Hehe.. Let me give another list..

The other day during the N0tt$ games, on the bus, on my way back from P0wer Le@gue to Sports Centre, I stumbled upon a girl named H@n@. She’s now studying in Kings C0llege in L0nd0n. I browsed his friendster just now and I was quite surprised to see her primary photo with h@di!! H@di is Lupi’s friend since forever [kawan dari kecik la, dulu h@di ni kawan F@rh@n, my kazen, kat JB dulu..], and only to find out that H@di is actually H@n@’s cousin. Hmm.. Pastu some of her friends are my college friends as well like m3k n sh@t. Tapi tu tak kisah la sbb mmg ramai gile pun dak2 kolej kat L0nd0n.

BUT.. I accidentally figured out that H@n@ is a friend of T@ufiq as well! Huhu.. T@ufiq is my flickr friend je la, takde la close pun but still la kan..

And.. One of H@n@’s friends, F@zri1, who was once in my college before he moved to KTJ, is actually a friend of @ni$i$m!! And @ni$i$m is one of my social contacts from $FC$!!!

Ada sorg kawan N@i1i ni, nama dia Ry3, a freelance photographer as well. I just found out that Ry3 is actually N@dy@’s cousin [kalau bukan kazen pun sedara mara la]!! Kisah N@dy@ ni pun complicated sket. Basically the network goes like this: Me - miru1 - MM - TT - N@dy@. Haaa kecik tak kecik dunia ni! Huhu.. Tapi tak tekejut sgt la sbb miru1 n MM n TT n N@dy@ tu famous bloggers so mmg byk network pon. N@dy@ ni jugak lah yg banyak ajar aku pasal photography senornye.

Hmm.. Amazing race btol..

Anyways, to T0k rim@u yg kewl sentiasa, thanx for picking this site as 'blog of the day' couple of days ago. I'm honoured, really =) I'm not sure which part that really excited me but I somehow felt like being at home, reading @KB. Hehe.. Nak suruh Mum bawak laa buku tu. Heh.. Rindu pulak nak baca entry2 pak rimau n pak naga. Haih..

Cues oh cues..

2007-12-04T05:32:00.000+08:00

Ok, enough of the fantasy. Let's get back to reality, shall we?

Just now I had my second c0mmunic@ti0n skill seminar and just like the previous one, we touched about picking up patients' cues particularly the verbal ones. At first, I had a little bit confusion about verbal cues. I mean, it's easy to define non-verbal cues like eye contact, facial expression, body language yada yada yada but how do you actually detect verbal cues?

It took me quite a while to get my head round this. The only thing that could help is by being an active listener. And I tell you, it's not as easy as it sounds. I thought all this while I'm a good listener. Yea, talking about perasan, I can be perasan at times. Anyways, maybe you think 'ahha, it's not that hard to be a good listener. Just maintain the eye contact and do some noddings to show that you understand..'. Well, it doesn't quite so. The main important thing in being an active listener is to FOCUS on what the patient has to say and by that I mean no distraction whatsoever through out the conversation!

Ok, you might think 'Err ok. Just focus.. and.. that's it..?'. Well yea, basically that's about it. But once you're in the conversation, it's very hard to stay in focus, to be honest. I mean, every single word that come out of the patient's mouth could be verbal cues. It's just up to your judgment on which to pick up. Maybe it's quite hard for me because I've never been taught about verbal cues before but once you're accustomed to it, it shouldn't be a problem.

Few things that I learnt from today's seminar are:

I'm not actually a good listener *applause* I mean, it's hard actually to be one.
I'm actually encountering endless list of verbal cues everyday! It's just that it's not a, in my case, medic-patient conversation but still, there are just too many to deal with! Cewah poyo la jugak tapi tu la, tak perasan je selama ni. Hmm..
Patient ni macam2 ragamnye. Not that I'm not aware of this fact but once you've experienced it yourself, then you really know the true taste of it. And I'm not complaining though. They just need help so I'm here to learn to be a person who can help, insyaAllah.

You know why I'm writing this some sort of reflection stuff every time I underwent a seminar or a medical programme or anything? These people believe that by doing some reflections, you'll learn more about it, whether you realise it or not. Mula2 aku macam malas sket nak buat reflection2 ni sbb malas nak kena ada reflection diary lah ape lah, but come to think of it, it really does help! Macam muhasabah diri la kan. And I don't actually need a diary, blog sudah mencukupi. Huhu..

And.. it doesn't need to be lengthy and draggy so yea, I'll stop here. Have a nice evening people! :D

I've always loved sky. Because it reminds me a lot of things. It represents the true meaning of freedom. And it's incomparably beautiful. Because the Creator behind it, is The Most Magnificent of all :)

Smiling makes you feel good :)

2007-12-03T16:35:00.000+08:00

=) =) =)

Last night I couldn’t close my eyes even I was soo sleepy and tired. Now, I can’t stop from smiling. Tak pasti kenapa rasa nak senyum sentiasa. Nak kata happy, xdela sangat sbb petang ni ade c0mmunicati0n skill seminar tapi... ntahla. Heh..

He always surprises me with unexpected things. He still has the element of ‘uniqueness’ in him. Well, I honestly didn’t know him inside out so can’t really tell much about it. Although it was quite brief, it went so monotonously, smooth and clean. Not that we used to talk dirty or anything but ‘clean’ in a sense of no falling-outs, no hard feelings whatsoever. Though, he didn’t have any introduction like ‘salam’ or ‘hello’ or ‘hai’ or anything. That makes me laugh somehow. Huhu..

Yep, we finally talked. After more than 3 years now, I’m glad that he could still accept me as his friend.

Just in case if you happened to read this h@fiz, good luck with your interview tomorrow! Selamat bertugas sebagai seorg junior doctor yg berjaya! =) =)

Of missing my bro.. Sob2..

2007-12-03T01:18:00.000+08:00

The moment at the airport when I was about to depart to Langkawi, Lupi hugged me and said “I love you dina. I know you will make Mum and Dad proud”.

During his SPM results announcement day, my mind did not seem to focus on my studies for the whole day. I skipped my lunch after class and ran straight to my room and quickly grabbed my phone and called Dad. And when Dad said “Alhamdulillah nak, Lupi dpt straight A1”, I could not stop myself from sobbing. I cried and cried, and missed him very much. I sms-ed him immediately “Lupi, congrats for the excellent result. I’m very happy for you” and he replied “Thanx na, sayang kau..”

Time flies. When I got the offer to go to KYU3M, he told me to use the opportunity as best as I could. “Aku dulu teringin sangat nak pergi sana, tapi dapat KMB nak wat camne. Tapi aku happy ah ko dpt pegi lembah bringin”.

“I just want you to do well. And I want you to be better.”

Yesterday, when I saw him from afar, I beamed with delight, explaining how happy I was to see him. Not that we haven’t met for years or anything but knowing that even I’m here, being away from family in Malaysia, I still have Lupi to look after me. He looked good, as usual. I had so many things in head to tell him but since Lupi and I were playing for football n netball respectively, we didn’t have so much time to catch up on each other. Let alone the football field was quite far from the netball court.

My game yesterday was not that bad though there were some dissatisfaction made by the host but we played very well. Out of 5 games, we only won one game and supposedly drew 3 games [tapi referee tu mcm bengong sket kata kitorg kalah satu game] and lost to n0tt$ in one game. So we didn’t manage to go to the next level. It’s been like that for Leicester ever since so no biggy. Heh.. So after I was done with my game, I took a bus to go to P0w3r Le@gu3 to see Lupi’s game pulak.

Because his team was doing very well, they got to play in several matches. By the time I got to the field, his team was playing against W@rwick. Since they won that match, they were qualified to enter the semi-final. It was almost 330pm and my bus to Leicester was at 5.00 so I had to rush back before I got left by the bus. I knew I wouldn’t be able to lepak2 with him so I said to him I have to go.

“Ko nak balik dah? Sedihnyaaa. Kata nak chill2..”
“Bas pkl 5 laa. Takut tak sempat..”
“Alaa awalnyaa..”
“Takpela, lenkali boleh chill2 lagi. Pi datang la Leicester..”
“Aku maybe x sempat nak datang Leicester kot na. Lepas habis game semua ni aku terus balik London. Esok balik cork trus. Aku ada exam x lama lagi..”
“Ok takpe. Nanti jumpa la kat cork dgn Mum anid n icah..”
“Ok, ko belajar elok2..”

I salam-ed his hand. And he hugged me and stroked my head.

“Ko jaga diri baik2 k.”

All this while, we rarely spent time together, you know, brother-sister relationship. He prefers to talk to @nid rather than me about just anything. They play badminton together, he teaches @nid how to play guitar, and he tells @nid about his girlfriend. Well, I don’t really mind because I know @nid does the job better than me and I’m used to it. Even I myself tell @nid stuff and not him. But since God-knows-when, things have somehow changed. I’m not complaining but as I’ve said before, it makes me feel somewhat different. And it’s something good to be felt.

I’ve never believed in horoscopes or those Chinese beliefs about date of births or anything but I somehow can tell that there are actually some similarities between me n Lupi. Yep, we were born on the same date and we’ve been celebrating our birthday together e.v.e.r.y.s.i.n.g.l.e.y.e.a.r and we even look quite alike [masa n0tt$ game, kak f@tin tanye kak @m@ni, ‘eh siapa budak lelaki tu? Muka dia sebijik mcm dina’ sambil menunjuk ke arah lupi. Huhu..], we both are very egoistic [mum kata Lupi ckp aku x penah nak call dia kat skype. Pastu mum suruh aku call Lupi sekali sekala. Aku mcm tertanya2, kenapa aku yg kena call dia n bukan dia yg call aku? And until now, we never speak to each other via skype. Kuangkuang..], we both are very sensitive inside [Lupi actually is a very soft-hearted person. He was the first to cry at the airport before anybody else during his departure to C0rk two years ago. At least I wept after Mum did!! Hehe..] and so many other things but we’ve never seemed to be close. We've never had good memories together. Perhaps words are not always necessary in our relationship because we both just know what is there.

Now, I’m missing him already. And I’m very disappointed for not having the time to chat n chill2 with him :( What even makes me feel worse is, Mum is now in Sydney, having a seminar and she’ll be back on the 7th. Tak boleh nak skype2 lagi for the time being. Sob2.. And as a result of that, I’m in no mood to do anything. Sigh..

This is just a random shot of Qu33n M@ry football team. Good looking jugak mamat tengah2 ni. Hah hah hah..

Stupidity vs Smartness

2007-12-01T07:10:00.000+08:00

“Aku rasa bodoh sangat bila pikir masa dulu2 tu.. Kenapa la aku buat benda bodoh tu ek? Tak boleh terima betul. Hahaha..” said one of my friends, when we were harking back to the pasts, picking up the ones we really wanted to get over but happened to still appear at the back our minds, inadvertently.

I think it’s just normal for one to feel stupid over unacceptable mistakes that they had done when they were younger. I’ve felt the same way too, sometimes. You know when you just wish that you didn’t do it in the first place; and you think things wouldn’t be like they are now. But yea, there’s no such thing as ‘kebetulan’ in Islam. Everything happens with a reason so there’s no point of being regretful.

I have a thought about it and I think, why would you feel stupid over things that actually taught you to be a better person? I mean, yes you feel stupid but of course you learnt something from it as well. Come to think of it, you’re actually growing up and moving one step towards being smarter so you shouldn’t feel stupid, sensibly. And at the end of the day, just without your knowledge, you’d be thankful for everything that has happened. And at that point of your life, all you could do is just smile. And maybe, just maybe, wish it to happen again.

Oh anyways, I shouldn’t be crapping out at this hour and I should go to bed by now. Tomorrow is the ever-waited N0ttingh@m G@me$ and the bus is pulling off at 7. So I think I need to get some sleep now, unless I don’t mind to be left. Hehe.. I’m in the netball team but probably just stay in the sub through out. Don’t really mind actually. I’m just looking forward to meeting Lupi. Heh.. He’s playing football for Qu33n M@ry’s team [Duh!]. Otherwise, I just can’t wait to meet my college friends :D

Have a nice weekend people! :)

P/S: Since it’s only 2313 and still the 30th of Nov, I think it’s not too late to wish Abg Din a.k.a Bro Giggzmo a Happy 30th Birthday!~ Semoga dipanjangkan umur, dimurahkan rezeki dan ditetapkan iman :)

Boundaries

2007-11-23T03:52:00.000+08:00

“I’ve so deeply treasured you..
How can I face you again?
I can’t. I just can’t.
Just go…”

I might not be the most emotionally sensitive kind of person in the world or so I think. But to tell you the truth, I do have some difficulties in handling my emotions sometimes. Not the hatred or rage kind of feelings. Alhamdulillah, whenever I feel annoyed or anything I manage to keep my head despite great complications or at least I try. No, not in that sense. I just get so easily moved by things, no matter how simple it may seem. Occasionally I would keep it to myself and just move ahead but if things happened to weigh me down greatly, I’d just break down and if I’m strong enough, I’d drain things away.

Today, I had Health and Disease in Populations (HaDPop) lecture. It’s the epidemiology part of medicine. At first I didn’t get my head around it as I understood not a single word in the workbook. But now, it is not that bad actually. I just feel responsible to appreciate Dr. R0n’s effort to make it as interesting subject as possible. And he did it very well, though he often makes nonsense of the topic but I guess it’s just his way.

Anyway, today we learnt something about 'Causality', how people have struggled since hundred of years ago to find out and comprehend the relationship between a disease and its causes. What really caught my ears was when Dr. R0n said something like this: “We have always believed that there must be a reason for a disease to come into existence. It doesn’t come from God, just like that.” Well, there might be many ways to interpret what he said but then, at that point, it’s very interesting to see how these people have worked their asses off figuring out the hidden secret of the world.

Ok, I may not make any sense and sound incomprehensible, I admit that but the main important thing is, these people have shown me and maybe other people like me, how limited our knowledge is when it comes to science. It’s very intriguing to hear my lecturers say, “yada yada yada.. yet we’re still unsure about that..” or “it’s still puzzling us how bla blab la” etc. Get what I mean? Ok, what I’m trying to say is, no matter how hard we try to understand the underlying reasons of anything, there are always some elements of limitations in our imagination and we could no way beat the Greatness of Allah, Al-‘Aliim, The Knower of All.

You know when you learn about all these stuff, the science thingy, you can’t run away from the signs of His presence. Yes, you know He exists but being a mundane human being, it’s just normal for you to need a proof to bring yourself round. He knows that, so He’s given us a lot of signs and guidance and when you see that thing in front of your eyes, then you’ll become more convinced and certain. But yeah, yet we are still being ignorance and do not care about anything.

Well, that’s not exactly what I want to relate the ‘emotions’ part to. In the lecture, Dr. R0n gave us some examples regarding the topic. And when it came to ‘Mesothelioma is associated with exposure to asbestos – no other factors are significant causes of mesothelioma (which is a reportable occupationally related disease)’ I just called someone to my mind.

I’ve never heard of mesothelioma before, not until I knew it from M0bileMum [or we often address her as MM]. Yep, as you can see at the sidebar of this site, there’s a purple icon button that links to her blog. I used to visit her blog quite regularly and not until she decided to call a halt to blogging. There are just so many things to say about MM but whenever she appeared in the box of my head, I just miss her writings and how they affected my perceptions about life. “During a routine medical check up, it was one of the blood test I request that tells me I have cancer. Listen to our body.” And now that she’s stopped blogging and I haven’t contacted her ever since, I hope she’s doing ok and happy with her life.

Seeing MM going through all those difficulties and she survived, I always pray for the same thing to happen to my aunty. It was really hard for everyone to take in the truth when she was first diagnosed with breast cancer but alhamdulillah, she’s still fighting for her life now and I’ll keep on praying hard that she would never give up.

After all, everything is written in the book. And He indeed knows everything.

Of Celebrating Birthday at Nand0s

2007-11-21T18:01:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt, at one point of your daily life; you just had a strong feeling to be all alone, indulging yourself in your own space, your own world, not thinking about anything, not sensing the presence of the rest of the world, feeling so peaceful that you just want to stay that way forever.

Well, I’ve felt the urge. But I’ve never had those times.

Urgh, ape aku merepek ni? Ok, I’m actually skipping my lecture this morning, intentionally because I slept quite late last night and I could no way wake up early just for an 8.30-lecture. So, I’m supposed to be studying now. Sigh..

Oh by the way, we, the first years had a great night yesterday. Last Monday was M@i’s birthday so we planned to treat her dinner at Nandos. Although it was not really well-planned sbb minggu ni semua org sibuk [except me sbb my programmes semua dah abes last two weeks :D] it did turn out a blast!

I think we’re starting to forge the bond. I mean, biasa la, mula2 ni kan mcm selalu miss kawan2 yg dulu and always have the thoughts of ‘if only they were here..’ but I’m just certain and know that we’re gonna be great over here :) Thanx korang!! May Allah bless us now, then and the hereafter, insyaAllah.

Happy Belated Birthday, M@iM0t! :) Oh by the way, today is Y@y@'s, my chaletmate back in college, birthday too!!! Haih.. rindu gile kat die. Sob2..

Reflection I

2007-11-18T10:23:00.000+08:00

I believe in love. But I don’t believe in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. I’ve tried but I’m sorry, I just can’t. UNLESS I’ve been jinxed by what I’ve just typed. Hah hah hah.. It’s so funny when the sweetest couple on earth just broke up over some stupid reasons. It’s so funny when the awwwwww-you-guys-are-so-meant-to-be-together relationship has to end because the girl just met another better guy. These things always make me want to laugh. But not anymore though. Because it has become a common thing nowadays.

No, I’m neither the anti-couple nor pro-couple kind of person. I’m neutral for my own personal views. But just within these 24hours, three of my friends just broke up with their so-called sweethearts. I don’t know whether I should be sorry for them. Or should I not? Or should I just ignore, be selfish and go on with my own life? Whatever it is, good luck with your life my friends! Not that it’s something unexpected right? You should be expecting it from the beginning right? No I’m not being cynical but I just think you guys need to grow up first before making any stupid decisions. Be an adult! Get a brain! And then get a life!

Oh I’m not typing at 0230 just to tell you that. Hah.. Now, it’s time for some reflections.

You know how I’ve been quite emotional this lately; coping with John’s goodbye and catching up on studies. It’s quite difficult to handle especially when you’re not quite hormonally balanced if you get what I mean. But Alhamdulillah, Allah is indeed Al-Baasit, The Reliever. I’m getting better now and I’m slowly putting myself in acceptance. I know He must have His own reason for everything that happens around me because He knows best. And yes, I know John’s leaving is the best for me.

Last week, I promised myself to make a phone call to my patient to set a date and time for me to pay him a visit. But I kept on giving myself excuses as I was so nervous and edgy not knowing the right words to ask or say. I knew I had to do it anyway; the earlier the better. So after staring at my phone for quite a while and being unsure of myself whether or not to click the ‘Call’ button, I just rang him up last Friday anyhow. The ringing tone just didn’t get me through, really. Huhu.. Just a few seconds after that, his wife picked up the phone and I heard myself babbling pointlessly. Heh.. So, as what my patient’s wife and I had decided, I visited them this morning [I mean, yesterday morning. Sheesh, cepatnye masa berlalu!].

They live not that far from my place. 30min-walk was bearable and quite soothing actually. I’m quite lucky to get a patient who lives nearby, so that I don’t have to get on a bus or anything. Upon ringing the bell, his wife greeted me nicely and the introduction just went out fine, apart from me being a tad surprised with a presence of a dog inside the house. Heh.. Tapi anjing tu baik je. Comel plak tu. Heh.. Anyway, so I met my patient, finally! Yeay!!~ So that’s the exciting part.

The saddening part on the other hand is the fact that he’s suffering from Parkinson’s Disease (PD) as well as diabetes. His wife kindly printed me a list of medication for Mr James [not his real name, just for confidentiality] and I ran through the long list and thought, “Fuiyoo, banyaknye ubat!! Jenuh la nak makan!”. And then we had some chats.

Mr James is now 65 years old and he was first diagnosed with diabetes and PD 7 years and 5 years ago respectively. He’s been in Leicester since he got married and used to work as a police force and a security guard before he retired. He has a lovely 33 year-old son and two granddaughters [yea, that reminds me of John. Sigh..].

When his GP told him he had PD, he was quite annoyed and couldn’t accept the truth. He just didn’t believe that after all his life spent, he got to end up this way. It took him quite a while to admit it. At first he thought it was the end of everything, being diagnosed with a disease that doesn’t have any cure, for the time being. And he was very embarrassed with himself. It must have been hard for him to swallow everything in one go but he somehow got the strength to fight his life for the better.

After he got hold of the reality, he started to make full use of his new episode in his life. He joined this one Christian club for PD patients and he got the chance to meet other people who are just as unfortunate as him. The club was very useful for him and he came to realise that there are actually many people out there who suffer even more badly. Having very supportive family, neighbours, doctors and other people around makes him appreciate everything even more. He thinks he’s lucky to see the brighter side of his life. And I think so too.

Being in my position, it’s very heartbreaking to listen to other people’s story about how their lives have changed all together after a single simple diagnosis. I could tell from his eyes, how he’s fought very hard to keep his life moving on just as normally as other people’s life. When he was talking to me, he sometimes needed to pause for a while, getting the right nerve working for the right words to say. His body is shaking almost all the time especially his hands and he has a slight difficulty to talk sometimes and it’s very hard for me to see him that way, especially when he kept on hiding his hands from me.

As what it’s said in wikipedia about PD, it’s actually a degenerative disorder of the central nervous system (CNS) that often impairs the sufferer's motor skills and speech. Yes, it has something to do with the nerve. And you know what’s the most emotive and affecting part of this visit? “So do you know what you want to specialise in later on? Neurology?” and I just smiled and said “Well, yea, maybe :)” and that’s just the most encouraging part of all. Because all this while, I really have no idea which specialisation I’d be wanting to go for but there is an instinctive side of me saying that neurology would be the one. And Mr James did give me the hint, didn’t he? Oh well.. I know it’s not important at this stage but I’ll keep that in mind :)

After we chatted for 45 mins, his wife served me a cup and coffee and we had an informal conversation for another few minutes before I made my leave. Mr James and his wife had been very nice to me and I really learned a lot from this visit.

You know at one point, when you think your life is not good enough and you demand more than what you deserve, there are still so many people out there who are struggling hard to get what they actually ought to have. And at the other point, when you think you’re a hopeless failure and don’t feel belonged to the rest of the world, there are still people out there who’re suffering even more but strong enough to fight for their lives. And what’s more important is, as a muslim, we always and always have Allah beside us, all the time, guiding us, helping us to get through this unpredictable life and being there for us to depend on. And we should always be thankful for everything. And this life, this world, belong to Him and He could take them away from us just ANYTIME.

Of emotionally affected

2007-11-15T08:21:00.001+08:00

“Hi, my name is Elvis.”

That was how he introduced himself during our first group work.

It has been only six weeks. Six weeks. Too early for someone to get personally attached to a person whom she’s known for these few brief weeks. But I accidentally and mistakenly did.

Elvis. That name was who we thought he is, for the first two weeks. Not until he told us the truth! “My name is actually John,” and we felt so stupid to be fooled by a person we barely knew. But as time goes by, he’s just the best guy I’ve ever known ever since I came to Leicester.

John’s 33 and already has two daughters, 7 and 12 years old. He used to be involving in Hotel Management for 10 years before he changed his field to nursing for another couple of years. It’s been a long journey before he got the chance to enrol into a medical school and we could tell how much effort he has sacrificed for that. Being the oldest in the group, he was always there for the rest of us, a ‘brother’ to whom we could talk just anything! He’s the best advisor and supporter in the group and always makes sure we’re on track and didn’t get too carried away with unnecessary things.

Just when we were about to build the strong bond, he encountered some financial and personal problems. And as everything seemed so helplessly inevitable, he didn’t have other choice but to quit medical school. Now, everything seems so dreadful and full of sorrow. I just don’t know why I couldn’t accept the fact that he’d no longer be there for the rest of us like he used to be. I keep on missing in the sea of thoughts ever since, denying the whole thing. It’s just hard for me to take it in. It’s just so hard. So hard.

You know how it feels when someone you love just gone and you know you would never get the chance to see that person again. As if he's dead! It’s a terrible thing to feel. I can’t perceive the fact that I could get so emotionally affected by someone whom I’ve just known for six weeks. I mean, how stupid is that? And how tortuous things can be? Kdg2 tertanya jugak kenapa eh Allah jumpakan aku dengan John and hilangkan dia dalam sekelip mata je. I always know the answer, of course, but I still need some time to seize everything as it is.

He knows how to make brotherly and fatherly jokes. He knows how to bring up a topic. He's smart and brilliant. He knows how to respect younger people. He knows how to bright up people's life. He just basically knows how to be a person. Now he's gone. Eerything seems so empty. And incomplete.

There's nothing much I can say but one thing for certain, if you were to be a doctor, you'd be more than just the best. Goodbye John!

Different

2007-11-10T08:17:00.000+08:00

Life. Still goes on. Alhamdulillah. Another weekends arrived. Another day ended. Another night yet to be passed. Life. Still goes on.

I don’t know if it’s just me but things have been different. In many ways. I don’t know in what way. But I just feel different. No, not awkward. But different.

Yes, he finally showed up. H@fiz just appeared. Out of nowhere. No, he didn’t change anything. He didn’t say hello. But he did make me feel different. He might have graduated now, as Dr. H@fiz I presume. I don’t know. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I have a patient to meet next week. A person who’s suffering from Parkinson’s disease. Privately, in his house. With his family. Felt a tad excited at first. But the jitters just kicked in. I'm afraid if I caught myself being too emotional. And I’m afraid if I screwed up. I still can’t accept myself being a medic. I just feel different. Along Ima just had her exams. And she didn’t make out. The one and only one who did was the one who’d taken the exam for the third time. Third time. Yes, third time people. And I’m stuck here, being a very first year medic. Clueless. Full of uncertainties. Scared. And hopeless. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I have a brother, a medic as well. In his clinical year. Struggling hard, coping up with things. And he told me not to learn stuff just for passing the exams. But learn to be a good doctor. “Make sure you have anatomy and physiology off the top of your head. Nobody told me that. Along Ima pun baru bgtau. And now I’m regret for just wanting to pass the exams. I just want you to do well. And I want you to be better.” I know he’s my brother. And having a brother to say that is not something to be surprised over. But he’s Lupi. And that makes me feel different. Because he has never told me such thing that could cause me wept buckets. And I feel different. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I’ve gone to the Interprofessional Programme where I got the chance to meet other people from other disciplines. Pharmacy. Nursing. Social Work. My groupmates were great. We worked very well as a team. I really enjoyed the time. But working with the real people out there makes me feel different. I don’t think I’m prepared for that. It was a different environment. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I do skype with Mum everyday. I just had the chance to talk to Angah Aya, Abg @z@m and @ida for the first time yesterday. Can’t imagine how Angah Aya and Along Ima’s generation had survived those years without skype. Thanks to the technology. Nonetheless, despite of having the opportunity to talk to them face to face, I do feel far-off. It’s just different. Seeing Mum’s face. But can’t get near her. Can’t hug her. Can’t kiss her hand. It’s different. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I’ve been crapping like I have nothing else better to do.

But life.

Still goes on.

I know this is not the most perfect picture I've ever taken but it truely was the most perfect sunset I've ever seen. Sorry for the noise, my camera phone is different. And it couldn't do much :D Yep, life goes on.

I swear

2007-11-06T05:18:00.000+08:00

I saw him.

It was really him.

He was there.

Right in front of my eyes.

After years and years.

He was really there.

I swear.

Of dreaming about her

2007-11-03T20:08:00.000+08:00

Semalam aku mimpi @id@ tengah main buaian kat rumah Tok D@d. Dia tengah bergelak ketawa. Aku pergi kat @id@ and peluk dia. Tiba2 aku terjaga. Tengok2 jam baru kol 2.37 pagi. Pastu terus tak bleh tido smpai kol 3 lebih. Sekarang, aku rasa mcm nak nangis sebab sangat homesick :( Walaupun skype dengan Mum setiap hari, aku masih rasa sangat berjauhan. Sob2..

"Hai Na. Nice to hear from you. Hope na sihat and happy kat sana. We all semua sihat alhamdulillah. Angah Aya akan pasang streamyx next week, nanti boleh skype dgn na. Abg Azam nak pergi korea lagi. For 2 months. Aida mulut becok, sekarang tengah toilet train. Adam sihat, rambut lebat. InsyaAllah aqiqah next saturday. Na take care!"

Oh ye, tadi aku mengusha2 frenster. Sekali tu nampak la sorg kakak ni punya primary photo, aku sangat kenal gambar tu. Sudah semestinye la aku kenal sbb aku yg tangkap. Terkejut jugak la sebab akak ni 'is in your extended network'. Rupa2nya dia memang suka gambar2 aku kat flickr dan telah membuat extra editing dan meletakkannya di frensternye. Hmm.. Baru aku faham perasaan orang yang hasil usahanya di'plagiarise'. Tapi aku tanak la make a big fuss out of it. Dan aku pun terharu jugak sebab dia appreciate hasil usaha aku. Maka dengan itu, aku rasa bersalah sebab main letak sesuka hati gambar2 orang lain yg aku cilok from flickr. Oleh itu, akan aku berusaha utk meletakkan gambar yg aku tangkap sendiri. Oh!~

Of being dramatic. Haha..

2007-11-02T21:42:00.001+08:00

Case 1:
You’ve emailed, you’ve googled, you’ve called, you’ve texted, you’ve ym-ed, you’ve done almost every single thing you could think of but the person seemed to be nowhere!

Case 2 (it’s more of an analogy):
When you were in secondary school, you hated this one person so much. You hoped that you and that person would be in different college later on. Few years later, your wish was materialised. You thought you’d be the happiest person in the world. But it didn’t stop there. Your best friend now was in the same college with that person and you had to listen to all stories coming about. And you prayed again that you’d never need to hear about that person again forever. But life is full of surprises; you got to see that person again in university for the next God-knows-how-many years to come. You came to realise that what you’d gone through all this while was not just in dramas or films, it was really happening in your life.

I started off my day today with emailing a friend, A about one stupid question: “Have you ever felt that your life is such a drama?”.

And then I asked another friend, B: “Do you have anyone in this world that you really want to meet but never got the chance. And at the same time having a person whom you really don’t want to see very close-by?”

And I answered them by myself: “Yes, I have. And yes I do.”

And I always tell my other friend, C: “I really can’t wait for the ending! I’m tired of passing the time.”

Every single person around us has their own roles to play. It’s either you like it or not. If you do like, you’d struggle so hard just to keep that person as close contact to you as possible. No matter how far they are from you, you’d find any way possible to make sure they’re fine, even without having you beside to look after them. And conversely, if you don’t, you’d pray day and night for them to just go away. It does not matter even if you have to trouble yourself. Your one ultimate objective is just to be as furthest as you could from that person.

But things.. do not always come easy. And things.. do not always turn out the way you want it to be. No matter how struggling you are to sketch your plans out, you would never be able to go against reality. And HE doesn’t need any plans because HE already knows what the outcome is. And I hope I’d never give up keeping on praying for the best ending.

“Many people don't know that the human eye has a blind spot in its field of vision. There is a part of the world that we are really blind to. The problem is, sometimes our blind spots shield us from things that really shouldn't be ignored. Sometimes our blind spots keep our lives bright and shiny. When it comes to our blind spots, maybe our brains aren't compensating. Maybe they're protecting us.”